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Suck it, Hanukkah
Happy Thursday! Apologies for today’s mailbag being slightly late; I hope that its viewership isn’t hurt by the Titans-Jaguars ga- AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Anywho, it’s fantasy championship weekend, people! If you need more fantasy stuff, you can watch Keepers or The War Room over on YouTube. But for now, let’s go with words on the page. Your emails:
Hello Captain!
Fantasy. RB has been a tire fire but I am playing for the Championship due to my WR stable and PPR scoring. Need to start 2 RB’s, 2 WR’s and a Flex from these guys.
Lamar Miller v Min
Jonathan Stewart v Cle
Matt Asiata @ Mia
Andre Williams @ Stl
Demaryius Thomas @ Cin
Antonio Brown v KC
Dez Bryant v Ind
Odell Beckham @ Stl
I think Miller and Stewart for RB, and really, you can’t lose at wideout. But let’s have you hash it out:
All four of those RB’s have been waiver pickups after drafting Zac Stacy and Bishop Sankey (ugh). I’ve been playing Miller and whoever else happens to look like a good risk/reward play with middling results (Denard Robinson until he went on IR). Most of the season my WR’s have picked me up. Thomas, Brown and Bryant usually score well but I picked up ODB on waivers and now I face the conundrum of leaving a ton of points on the bench any given week from one of these guys. With ODB’s recent performance I benched Dez last week and still won, but who do you think will post the low score of those guys this week? (Peyton Manning is my QB fwiw, when Thomas and him have a game I typically win)
I think the two guys you can’t sit under any circumstance are Brown (PPR machine and the #1 fantasy wideout this year) and Beckham (seven straight 90+ yard games). That means you’ll have to sit either Dez or D. Thomas, which is INSANE. No wonder you’re in the championship.
So: who to sit between Dez and Thomas? Well, look at the matchups: the Colts give up the third-fewest fantasy points to wide receivers, but Vontae Davis might not play due to a groin injury. The Bengals: 2nd-stingiest against WRs, behind only the Seahawks. Given the state of the Broncos offense and the better matchup, I’d go with Dez.
“Sit Demaryius Thomas” –> not something I usually suggest.
Relationship. I’d like to ask you what you got your wife for Christmas,
lol “got”
What I’ve got is another five shopping days.
but seeing as you likely don’t want to spoil the surprise how about gift ideas for the wives/girlfriends? Between dating and marriage I have spent enough years giving gifts to my wife that sometimes it’s tough to find something interesting anymore.
It doesn’t have to be interesting, it just has to be something she wants. Don’t get me wrong: a thoughtful gift is great if you can think of it. But we’ve got jobs and kids and deadlines and years of buying each other stuff, and really we don’t even need stuff any more because the house is too damn cluttered.
So, flowers. Ladies love flowers. Buy her something she wants — a book, a sweater, whatever — and then spice it up with some flowers. It’s unorthodox but will be totally welcome. (NOTE: florists will likely be closed on Christmas, so buy them the day before and stash them at a neighbor’s.
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Oh Captain my Captain,
FF: Didn’t make the playoffs :(. I got the highest draft grade for the second straight year and for the second straight year I just missed out on losing to Flyin’ Matt Ryan in the first round of the playoffs. Our 12 team league is switching to an auction wavier wire next year, any tips so I can turn my fantasy luck around?
In the early rounds, always nominate players that you think are overrated and don’t want — that’ll burn cash from others. And don’t be afraid to pay big for a couple star players, particularly running backs. My first auction, I kept thinking, “Well I’m not paying $60 for THAT guy!” Then you end up with Trent Richardson and Doug Martin as your running backs.
Relationship/Life: This may be a little long so I offer my apologies in advance. Short version is; 2014 can burn in hell. Long version is this:
ehhhh do i have to? okay, let’s do this.
This past July, I was completely blindsided by my ex girlfriend deciding to end our nearly four-year relationship. It didn’t appear that we had any major issues. We had our fights, but it was nothing too big that we couldn’t resolve it in a day or so. I felt like everything was moving along perfectly. I had no doubt in my mind that this was the woman I was going to marry, then, pow, right in the kisser, it was over. I followed the scientifically proven Post Breakup Plan (and also drank more in three weeks than I had the entire year) and felt pretty decent about myself. I worked out, got in touch with people I haven’t communicated with in a while and spent a lot of time with friends.
On top of that, I finally got a job offer in my hella selective field (athletic administration). The university is in a very rural part of Southeastern Texas but I didn’t care, I just wanted to leave home and be nowhere near my ex. Tragically, three weeks into my new job, my father passed away unexpectedly. My father was my best friend and we had an amazing relationship, one that every parent and child should have. I’ll spare you the details, but life has been inexpressibly more glib and lonely these past few months without him. His death, combined with being 2,000 miles away from my support system and losing the woman I thought I was going to marry have proven to be an emotional mountain that I haven’t been able to climb.
When I first came back to Texas,
From your dad’s funeral, I assume?
I tried to carry on like nothing happened. I kept going on the dates with the woman I was pursuing and trying to explore this small town. Eventually life’s events caught up to me and I’ve withdrawn from socializing for the past month or so. I’m going home next week for the holidays and hope to recharge and start the new year with a fresh, more positive outlook. My question is, whenever I’m ready to start dating again, how do I go about it in such a small city? There aren’t any groups I’m interested in, there are few volunteer opportunities and there isn’t much in the way of a night life. My coworkers are all older and married and I basically only have one friend here. There are a lot of emotional hangups I still need to work through before being ready to throw myself out there again, but I want to hit the ground running whenever I get through those issues.
Sincerely,
Skinny Michael Turner
I N T E R N E T D A T I N G
In addition to Tinder and whatever else you want to use to find singles, you could also take a walk through Facebook and seek out someone you had a crush on in high school or college. Send a message, reignite an old flame. Long-distance is crap, of course, but when you live somewhere shitty the best place to find a mate is somewhere not-shitty. (When I lived in the Mojave, I dated people in L.A. and New York. Certainly not ideal, but it beat not dating anyone at all.)
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Hey Captain,
Light on the Fantasy stuff. The money league I’m in just concluded its playoffs and I wrapped up a second straight consolation bracket victory so hooray mediocrity! Also just haven’t been up to date with football. Still reeling from that fucking robot Madison Bumgarner crushing an entire city’s hopes and dreams.
Relationship stuff, though. I am a 22-year-old virgin currently in a relationship with a 21-year-old virgin. We were friends of friends in high school, recently reconnected through a college course after three years of sometimes running into each other and avoiding eye contact, and now it’s like I’m with a completely new human being. She is a huge dork and I am fond of her.
3 months in and we’re starting to move towards sex. She’s a month on the pill, I have condoms stocked at both our places, we have discussed it at length multiple times after doing make-out/oral stuff, mostly me playing the giver cause I get a rise out of that stuff. As the above paragraph would indicate, we flounder at times and are still learning (maybe grasping is a better term) many different ropes. I will say I’m very glad to be doing this with someone I have built a decent relationship with, and someone who is also as crazy-inexperienced as I am.
Anywho, she sprung me recently and for the life of me I just couldn’t get/keep my wang hard enough to go in.
The only moment I was rock solid we had issues getting Lil Me in the right hole and he quickly returned to half-chub. Needless to say I was upset with myself and hope it was just a combination of performance anxiety, scotch and a very gross burger I had for dinner (really wasn’t expecting her to say she wanted it that night).
I’m taking measures of my own, getting back on my old running regimen (I am a skinny motherfucker but in no way am I in good shape right now), cutting off porn and cutting down on masturbation altogether, trying to eat less shitty and reading sex forums and the sort.
Any advice in regards to this scenario, however little, would be greatly appreciated.
Well, stop reading sex forums, for one.
I am also wondering if you have any advice on how I can communicate with her on anything she can do in bed to warm me up without coming across as selfish/dickish. She’s definitely capable of getting me excited with so much as a little graze of my thing, but sometimes feels a little inactive with the foreplay. I’m struggling to think of ways to talk to her about that aspect without making her feel inadequate or uncomfortable.
Okay, rambling over! Danke schoen, good sir.
- Seriously though, fuck Madison Bumgarner
So, just relax about everything. You lost your boner because you were super-nervous, which is something that has happened to basically every man who’s had sex (and some, of course, who haven’t). Relax about communicating to her how to turn you on. Knock it off with the sex forums. And don’t worry about jerking off. (Though generally, more exercise and less porn is a good idea.)
Just fuck each other, man. It’ll be good, then it will get better. You’ll get used to each other’s bodies and get more comfortable and then it’ll seem silly that you ever needed to seek an outside source. Have enough regular sex that you can get into a rut, THEN you can ask for some advice.
PS: A while back you did a Twitter game where you gave people “Lacrosse player names.” The one you gave me is still my Twitter handle, so like, cool shit I guess.
That’s one of my favorite things I’ve ever done on Twitter. It’s right up there with live-spoiling the finale of “LOST.” Good times.
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Dear KSK,
I have no fantasy question, because I know the answer to “Should I draft Jay Cutler and Adrian Peterson again next year?”
I’d draft Adrian Peterson again. He’ll still be good next year.
As far as sex, I’m stuck between two women. One, who I’ll call Tawny, I am infatuated with. She is beautiful, funny, interesting, we share a lot of the same interests, and I get genuinely excited when I’m able to see her. But she seems like she just tolerates me. Whenever we’re hanging out or having sex, I absolutely love it, but at the very least, Tawny doesn’t show the same reckless enthusiasm.
The second girl I’ll call Maddie. I enjoy having around her around, but I definitely don’t like her as much as Tawny. She works odd hours, and wants to see me whenever she’s free. She’s sweet and cute, but when I’m with her, and I feel guilty for this, I can’t help but think about Tawny when I’m with her.
Because Tawny’s way sexier, duh.
I’m going to have to make a decision soon. I know Maddie wants to be in an official relationship, and is vaguely aware of Tawny. Tawny’s mentioned she’s not looking for “anything serious”, but, at least in the past few weeks, has been warmer to me than in the past.
My friends are no help either, and they’ve witnessed the same things I have. I seem happier around Tawny, but Maddie seems happier around me than Tawny does. Also, Tawny has a sexy radio voice, and Maddie’s voice is clunky at best.
I’m a young man in the undefined internet age, so I’m trying to figure this out like everybody else. I know I’d be content with Maddie, but I’ll be so much happier with Tawny, even just continuing the hookups. I’m 22, and it feels like the last thing I should be doing is “settling down”, but I know Tawny doesn’t love me as much as Maddie does. So Captain, what do you recommend?
Signed
Double Dog (sorry)
You’re 22. Ride Tawny for as long as she’ll let you. Maddie’ll be hurt, but you’d only hurt her more later if you tried to commit to her now.
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Captain,
Pigskin: I have two top defenses with potentially excellent matchups. That, plus the pressure of the Championship game is making me flip flop faster than Lovie Smith on who should start. Standard team defense scoring, Options are Seattle @ ARI (obviously not Palmer/Stantion or Ellington makes this appealing) OR Detroit @ CHI (Cutler… end of story).
NOT the end of story! IT’S CLAUSEN TIME!
Putting aside your Seattle fandom, what do you recommend?
I can’t really put aside my fandom, but I’ll take a swing. Detroit and Seattle are probably the best two defenses in the league right now (though they’re not the best fantasy defenses), and they both have matchups that should excite you: Jimmy Clausen (career: 3 TD, 9 INT; last start: 2010) and Ryan Lindley (career: 0 TD, 7 INT; last start: 2012).
I’d probably go with the Seahawks, though, because the Cardinals offense is just so anemic. Even with the Bears in Ultimate Suck mode, they haven’t scored fewer than 15 points all season. The Seahawks seem more likely to hold the Cards to zero or 3 points on the board and get you that nice bonus.
Sex: Just got married 2 months ago to a caring, gorgeous & sexy woman who makes me laugh every day,
sheesh, rub it in why don’t ya
so no issues to report. We’re only 26, so no rush to have kids, but I don’t think right now either of us can even imagine having kids right now; we’re just not ready (and in agreement). That said, we are also both in agreement that we do want children. How quickly does it go from “I want kids eventually” to “Let’s start having kids” and how/when did you know it was time to start having kids?
Thanks for all of the advice.
-Daniel Snyder is the Worst
Well, you and your wife have a couple more years to play with than my wife and I did when we got married. But the short answer is that it will happen organically. There are little drops that slowly fill the cup of desire: one of her friends will have a baby, she’ll see you holding your nephew, you’ll find yourself attracted to the form of a pregnant woman, et cetera. Biology plays a hand, your peer group will influence you without you realizing it, and your financial situation may (should? fingers crossed!) become firmer.
Or maybe she’ll just go to a Justin Timberlake concert, then come home and have birth control-defying sex. Happened to a friend of mine.
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Dear KSK,
I started off the season bad, then got worse, and somehow I am competing for the championship this week. My team is stacked with 7-9 point projected players, and I need help sorting through them (non PPR):
– Gio v. DEN, Gerhart v. TEN, or Asiata @ MIA
– Fleener @ DAL or Witten v. IND
– New York Giants @ STL or Jacksonville v. TEN
Gross. Gio, Witten, and … ugh, Jacksonville.
On the relationship side: Since you’re already there, how did you deal with the “so when are you two gonna have kids?” hounding from the immediate family (parents, sisters, 6 year old nieces, etc)? My wife and I have been married for exactly 6 months and we’re in our early 30s so there’s an obvious clock, but we aren’t in a rush at all. It’s already getting incessant; good deflection techniques? I need ALL of them.
Thanks,
Random Internet Guy
“We’re putting it off another six months every time we get asked that question.”
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Cap’n,
Fantasy: Well, the DeMarco Murray injury that everyone predicted finally came, and just in time for the championship! If he can’t go, I have the choice between Lamar Miller, Latavius Murray, or could try to get Doug Martin or Carlos Hyde off waivers. What’s my best option there? And if the Cowboys medical staff pull off a miracle of modern medicine and he’s healthy enough to play, do I start him?
DeMarco will probably play, and if he does, I’d start him. My next option would be Carlos Hyde if he plays, then Miller. Do not play Latavius Murray against the Bills or Doug Martin, ever. Fuck Doug Martin, man.
Sex: I found out that my cousin is cheating on her husband. At her wedding. With my best friend.
Wait, so did you find out at her wedding? Or was she cheating at her wedding? Because I thought that only happened in porn.
She’s best friends with my girlfriend and made her swear not to tell me. Obviously that didn’t last long. This really bothers me because her husband is a great guy who I consider a good friend. Since I wasn’t supposed to know, I’m stuck keeping my mouth shut (not my strong suit) or basically every friendship and relationship in the scenario is over. Is there anything I can do here to deal with the fact that I’m resigned to pretending like I don’t know anything about the horrible actions that the people in closest to in the world are trying to keep a secret from me?
-Frogmaster Flex
First things first: telling someone about your affair is a tacit admission that you want to be caught. Or a sign that you’re very, very dumb. It could be either with your cousin.
We’ve covered this before in the mailbag, but being the whistleblower for an extramarital affair is a dangerous proposition. There tends to be this notion of “the right thing to do” and “If it were me I’d want to know,” but that doesn’t take into account how often the cuckhold blames the whistleblower instead of his cheating wife. Think about how much a break-up sucks, regardless of whether you’re the dumper or the dump-ee. Sucks, right? Now imagine being a third person thrust into that break-up. When you get involved with other people’s shit, you end up covered shit.
THAT SAID: the closeness of these people to you — both friends and relatives — suggests that there’s something atypical of this particular situation, and I think it may be worth having a “knock it the fuck off” talk with your best friend, seeing as how he’s the interloper here. Of course, IF you do that, you need to clear it with your girlfriend, who will hear it from your cousin when your best friend spills that you know about the affair.
Ugh, I hate that last sentence. Get the fuck out of that telenovela and into a group of better friends.