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You wanna go on an adventure? Allow me to link to this extensive and thorough interview with a zoophile who’s attracted to horses. And when I say extensive, I mean EXTENSIVE. And when I say thorough, well, I mean you’re gonna get details about the female equine orgasm. Oh my God there’s just SO MUCH there. So many twists and turns and it just. Never. Ends. You will leave that article a different person than the one who clicked that link.
If that sounds like too much, well, just read the mailbag below. No horse humpers here — at least, no one who’s copping to it.
Captain,
BUSINESS: I wrote you before the season, appreciated your insight, so I thought I’d give it another shot. (Last e-mail here) HOORAY REPEAT BUSINESS!
It hasn’t been my best year, as I thought an elite WR corps (Jordy, Alshon, Megatron) could balance passable RB’s (Doug Martin and Zac Stacy). Feel free to ask Pete Campbell how that worked out for me…
I have a league like that — I went with Doug Martin and Montee Ball. I would have had just as much fun lighting that $200 entry fee on fire.
Somehow by the grace of the fantasy gods, I find myself at 6-5 with the opportunity to win out and make the playoffs. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! I finally have passable RB’s. I need to start 2: Denard Robinson @ IND, CJ Anderson vs MIA, and Tre Mason @ SD. Denard’s been consistent (top 5 RB since Week 7 according to Yahoo and Jonas Gray put up half a Melvin Gordon in Indy last week. Denver’s down a couple of weapons. It feels like Tre Mason is the guy who gets benched here.
Concur. Denard’s got a great matchup, CJ Anderson is in the Broncos offense, and Tre Mason — though not a bad option — still feels like the least reliable bet.
PLEASURE: Going on a bachelor party in Vegas next month. I’ve had a rough few months and have self-medicated when things got especially dark. People have begun to voice concerns for my well being. A clear pattern has emerged and I no longer trust myself when I’m under the influence. Obviously my friends want to make bad decisions (the good kind) in Vegas,
“Y’know, the good kind of bad decisions.”
and I want to make sure I keep myself in check and don’t ruin anyone’s good time. What advice would you have for a guy who doesn’t have a problem, but realizes he will if new habits aren’t developed?
Thanks again for doing the lord’s work.
SULTAN OF SHELBYVILLE
Okay, so there’s kind of a wide spectrum for your burgeoning “kind of a problem-but-not-really-though maybe soon?” problem. I don’t have any examples of what your habits have included, or how often things are problematic, or even what the root problem is. So the resulting responses to your problem will reflect that; if you look in the comments and see a range of people saying “NBD” to “You shouldn’t even go,” well, that’s why.
In the interest of your safety and well-being, I’m going to lean on the cautious side here and recommend that you limit yourself to a beer or two with meals, and not drink outside of that. (And if you can’t have fun with your friends without drinking more than that, you probably shouldn’t go to Las Vegas for a bachelor’s party with them). Be open with your friends about what’s been going on and why you’re going to abstain from getting shitfaced, and ask them to (a) respect that and (b) keep you from disappearing down the various dark holes — real and metaphorical — littered throughout Las Vegas.
If you’re capable of more than that without veering into “unstable drunk” territory, great. You and your friends know you better than I do. But at the very least, employ the buddy system to make sure you don’t end up dead in a gutter (or broke in the champagne room).
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Dear KSK,
Football: No PPR – Cecil Shorts III @ IND or Crabtree v. WAS?
Crabtree’s found a way to make one or two big plays a game this season, but hasn’t been terribly reliable as a legitimate fantasy receiver — only Boldin fits that role in the Niners offense. Even with Vontae Davis on him, I’d lean towards Shorts this week.
Fantasy Commissioner Related: Last week, a trade occurred between one definite (got Megatron) and one possible playoff team (got Mike Wallace and Dwayne Allen). As a first year commissioner, I kinda knee jerked into trying to not allow the trade because I viewed it as so dumb and unbalanced as to require some sort of collusion, but relented because both sides argued it was fair and several other managers weighed in to say it should go through. So I guess my question is – how do you draw the line between a very dumb trade and a trade that should be disallowed?
Maybe this makes me sound like a Republican, but I’d argue that less interference from the league and manager is typically better for a fantasy football league. Much like a nation and its government, there should be constraints provided to prevent abuse of fair play, but people and fantasy owners should generally be left to their own devices, even if that means the occasional uneven trade.
I mean, it’s not like Calvin Johnson is tearing up the league this year: he’s the 37th-ranked wideout in standard leagues, tied with Eddie Royal and Reggie Wayne (Mike Wallace is 20th). He has three touchdowns and only two games where he’s cracked 10 standard fantasy points. If you had vetoed that trade, it would have been based on reputation, not performance.
Non-Football: I don’t really have a relationship problem, and I’m married so I can’t even think of some non-cliche celebrity/attractive woman to send photos of. So how are things going for you? I hope swell.
– Bob
Things are good for me. My in-laws just left after ten days of helping with the baby. And they were great! They’re nice people whose company I enjoy, and they were incredibly helpful around the apartment.
But MAN, if you happen to live in New York City and feel like you have a spacious two-bedroom apartment, all you have to do is add two more adults to realize OH GOD THIS IS A SHOEBOX.
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Hello attractive fantasy advice person,
I wrote in a few weeks ago asking whether or not it was worth holding into Knowshon Moreno during his first injury. We all know how that ended up. Fortunately, it was about the time that he got reinjured that Ronnie Hillman came into fantasy relevance (Thank you, keepers waiver wire edition!).
Aw, shucks! Thank you for watching my sports videos.
On to my question. WR1 and RB1 slots are permanently filled (Maclin and Murray). Pick 3 for WR, RB, & Flex:
CJ Anderson (vs Miami), Justin Forsett (@NO), Joique Bell (@NE), D. Hopkins (vs Cin), and O. Beckham Jr.(vs Dal)
Anderson, Forsett, and ODB.
On the sex/relationships side, nothing much to ask really. The girl at work has calmed down a little after I was very forward about being not interested. Instead I’ll ask you a question. How has having a child affected your relationship/sex life with your wife?
Sincerely,
Fat guy in a little coat
Well, sex right after the baby’s born is non-existent, for medical reasons. A vaginal birth can lead to a vaginal or rectal tear, or an episiotomy (if you don’t know, DON’T look it up), any and all of which require stitches and several weeks of healing. Even if you have a C-section — as my wife did — there’s a postpartum discharge called lochia that goes on for several weeks, during which it’s unsafe to insert anything into her vagina due to the risk of infection.
HOWEVER, on the relationship side, things are great. She’s turned on by me as a dad, I’m turned on by her as a mom, and we’ve found the occasional work-around when we’re not both dead tired. There’s a lot of love in the house right now, and that’s emotionally satisfying, if not exactly the happiest scenario for my penis.
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Good day, Captain.
I’ve been switching between Matt Ryan and Ryan Tannehill week-to-week. Some weeks I choose wisely. Other weeks I leave a lot of points on the bench. I’m leery of both in this critical week – Ryan vs. a decent CLE pass defense,
Better than decent. The Browns allow a league-low 74.1 passer rating, and in fantasy terms, only the Lions, Dolphins, and Seahawks are stingier against quarterbacks.
Tannehill vs. a middling Denver defense but with forecasted snow. (Weather may play way too large a role in how I choose QBs.) Who do you like for this weekend?
Probably Tannehill, though if you can get Josh McCown off the free agent list, I’d recommend picking him up against the atrocious Bears D.
I’m also unsure what to do about the Gio Bernard/Jeremy Hill duo. I was lucky to acquire Hill shortly before Bernard went out, but now Bernard seems poised to return. Starting both isn’t really an option since there’s no flex spot and Eddie Lacy is my other starting RB but I’m conflicted about who to roll with. Any advice on how to handle that?
Gio’s been getting the first-team reps in practice, so go with him. That’s no guarantee of how things will shake out, of course, but if Marvin Lewis is giving him the nod ahead of Jeremy Hill, then you should, too.
As for my relationship, my girlfriend is a rapid-fire relationshipper in contrast to my preferred glacial pace. She sees still living separately after dating less than a year as pathetic inaction and I see it as normal since it hasn’t been that long and we both like our respective homes. But now she doesn’t want to visit my house because apparently not having her move in with me also means I don’t want her to even hang out or stay over.
Okay, I gotta stop this email before I even get to the end of it. She thinks living separately after LESS THAN A YEAR of dating is “pathetic inaction,” and her response to NOT moving in together is to STOP GOING TO YOUR APARTMENT.
I apologize for all those all-caps, that was me highlighting where your girlfriend is a crazy person. And I don’t mean “crazy” in an adorably kooky fashion. I mean “crazy” as in you should probably get the fuck out of this relationship as soon as possible.
But maybe I’m jumping to conclusions! I’ll let you finish.
In the nicest way possible, I told her that was silly. Her place has the PS4 anyway. I don’t at all mind going over there. But I wonder if the we-must-move-in-together-and-get-the-ball-rolling-on-everything-that-typically-follows moment will spark in me if it hasn’t by a year… or whatever arbitrary duration point. I have a suspicion that this conversation is coming up again over the holidays. I think she’s forcing the issue because it’s what she’s known. (And I am loath to say it hasn’t worked out in the past, so don’t insist upon it.) Is there a good way to comfort a person while also telling them to cool their jets about an issue like this?
Thanks,
T.J. Juckson
Well, I’d point out that what you’re loath to say is probably what she needs to hear, if she’s willing to listen. But here’s the thing: a girlfriend who refuses to go over to her boyfriend’s apartment because he won’t move in with her is not the prototype of a person with things like “self-awareness” and “mature thought patterns.”
As an unlicensed and unqualified advice-giver (never forget those two qualifying adjectives), the fake-ass therapist in me wants to tell you to sit down with her and have a level-headed discussion about WHY she thinks it’s so important, during which time you should gently point out that it’s what she’s known, and it’s not a blueprint for success. Then maybe — if she’s somehow more reasonable than you’ve painted her to be in your email — you two can go back to advancing your healthy relationship along more normal timelines.
As a dude, though, I just keep thinking, “Get the fuck out of that relationship before you get browbeaten into a lease with that maniac.” If that’s unfair of me, then go with the paragraph above.
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