“that’s just, like, your birthday gift, man” – Getty Image
I’ve always been fascinated in life transitions, and the obstacles they present for people in different stages of them. When you’re single, you can call up any of your single friends and they’ll meet you at any bar within an hour. If your single friend is dating someone, they’ll occasionally take a pass if they’re hanging out with the significant other.
Once those dating friends get married, you need make plans to hang out with your friend about 3-5 days in advance so that he can make sure they don’t have anything else going on (married people often plan dinner, like, a week in advance). And when that couple has a kid? You gotta lock them up like two weeks in advance, because getting a sitter ain’t easy and leaving the house is a whole thing that takes serious logistical effort.
This is a grotesque and lame existence to single people, who (justifiably) revel in their ability to get drunk whenever they want and have casual sex with acquaintances. But between people in the same tier — single, dating, married, married with kids — everything makes perfect sense.
Anyway, that’s just what was on my mind as I had a discussion about kale smoothies with another married father. Let’s get to your questions.
Dear KSK,
Should I be gambling more on Atlanta’s offense at home against Chicago or Giants offense at Philly? I have Matt Ryan, Stephen Jackson, Victor Cruz and Andre Williams. I have to start Ryan and Cruz, but since I have to double up by playing either Jackson (v. CHI) or Williams (@ PHI). Help.
WILLIAMS. Steven Jackson’s leaking touches to three different backs, and Williams has already shown the last two weeks that he can handle the workload of a lead back.
As for some relationship question, I don’t know, things are going pretty great. My birthday is coming up, what should I ask the wife to get me? This seems like a dilemma for anyone who isn’t a failure by 30 – if you want something, you can go out and buy it. So what the hell do I want?
I’m the same way. The only things I really buy are food and booze, and maybe some pants like once a year. The trick is to keep a running list of “Hey, I want that.” Snap photos of books you think are interesting, start a Pinterest page, or keep a running tab on your phone of fleeting ideas about things it might be cool to have (I actually do this when my wife says she wants something — I open up the Notes app on my phone and jot down anything she says she wants. No reason you can’t do it for yourself.)
Actually, also along those lines. What’s a good gift for a woman that seems very expensive (like a main gift expensive) but isn’t? I want to get her a portable vaporizer for her birthday, but obviously she can’t go around telling people I got her a $250 vaporizer to smoke weed, so what kind of gift can get in addition that won’t make people go “that’s it?”
Thanks,
Donkey Teeth IV
“Vaporizers. This Christmas, say ‘I love you’ with less tar in your lungs from getting baked.” Ah, the life of a married couple without children! You’re still so young and full of pizza rolls.
Get her some lingerie. It’s not prohibitively expensive, but it certainly CAN be. And her co-workers aren’t gonna ask to see it. Well, they shouldn’t, at least.
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Dear Captain Caveman,
FF: This season marks my first attempt at fantasy football. It’s an office league and I got asked to join because they needed a 12th player. Having grown up the daughter of a bitter Jets fan, most of my early experience with the game involved swearing and remotes being thrown at the television. Once I became an adult and discovered that football provided an excellent excuse to drink beer with one’s friends on a regular basis, however, I decided to give it another shot. It suffices to say that I have a casual appreciation of the game and am by no means an expert. I panicked during the draft and grabbed Brady in the first round (I know, I know),
Oh, honey.
thinking that he was a safe bet, if only for trading purposes later; we all know how that went. So, my question is, do I drop Brady completely and pick up someone who isn’t fucking things up or just bench him for a while? Or, like a true scion of the Jets, shall I hold on and hope for the best and keep starting him, even while he continues to fuck me over and over again?
So, this email arrived in the KSK inbox BEFORE Touchdown Tom’s resurgence on Sunday Night Football, so that should at least put you off of dropping him outright. But yeah, you need another QB until we have some evidence that Brady can be the Brady of yore on a week-to-week basis. I don’t trust you to make a trade, so try to find someone on the waiver wire.
Sex: My boyfriend of almost two years and I have just moved in together. We’re disgustingly in love and are in it for the long haul, so this was a logical step. Over the course of my dating life, I have only cohabited with one other guy and it was not a success. Over the period of two years, our sex life suffered a slow and painful death until we were little more than roommates. Obviously, I am anxious that this should not repeat itself. I know that there were other issues at play with my ex and that living together did not magically destroy our perfect relationship, but I am still wary; I don’t want to fuck this one up. Aside from honesty and adult conversations, any tips for keeping the sex in a long term relationship healthy, especially when living together?
Cheers,
Picked Last
When men ask this question, the answer tends to be long and nuanced: Is she comfortable with the state of the apartment? Have you taken care of her emotional needs before trying to service your physical ones? Etc etc for like two paragraphs.
When women ask this question, it’s much easier: come on to him. Oh, he’s busy or stressed or not in the mood? Touch his penis. Bang, now he is. In 99% of cases, you will have sex whenever you want, as long as you’re not trying to get it, like, twice a day. Who has time for that?
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Hey Captain,
Fantasy — Right now, I have a glut of similarly-productive PPR players: Eli, Romo, and Foles at QB (I added Eli because the other two stunk early);
“… so I added a THIRD guy who stunk early!” (Oddly, this tactic worked.)
Bradshaw and Ellington at RB; and Benjamin, Quick, Wayne, and Wallace at WR. I have to add a TE because it’s Graham’s bye week (he and Lynch are my two top guys). Am I better off dropping Andre Johnson (my only other non-kicker or D) or trying to clear one of my positional gluts?
You don’t need three quarterbacks. I’d trade Foles before I dropped Andre Johnson — at least you can play Johnson in a flex if there are some injuries. Surely SOMEONE thinks Chip Kelly’s gonna fix him.
Sex — Nothing on the horizon there, so maybe a general question: with so many online dating and casual hookup situations, what are some good boundaries for casually dating multiple people?
Armen Tamzarian
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going out on as many dates with as many different people as you like. The obvious line is sex, and once you cross it with one person you need to show a lot more of your cards to her (and anyone else in your technological harem). Now, the reality is that a lot of people have sex with more than one person at the same time, and while it may feel marvelous and cool, it’s a shitty thing to do to someone who likes you enough to get naked with you.
And if that isn’t enough to weigh on your conscience, consider the effect it has on your attention span. With all of the fantastic advances in cell phones / social media / et cetera, one of the rarest and most precious gifts we can give each other is our undivided attention. And if you spend all your time swiping right and collecting notches on your belt, you’re going to see someone fantastic and smart and sweet and loving — and never get to know her, because she didn’t put out, and you had two other girls who would if you texted them.
tl;dr — if you’re having sex with one person, you shouldn’t have plans to fuck others.
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This email arrived too late to put into last week’s ‘bag, which is why some of the worries may seem unfounded.
Hiya Cap’n:
Fantasy: Count me among the unwise who looked for a Tom Brady rebound this year. I’m now benching him for Flacco (ugh). Flacco looks decent so far (#7 QB in our league), but he doesn’t seem like a long-term solution.
He is not.
In our PPR auction league, I’m stacked at receiver (Marshall/Maclin/Cruz/Garcon) and TE (Donnell/V. Davis) and wondering whether to make a move to get Rivers, or should I stick with Flacco and try to upgrade RB? I started out gangbusters with D. Murray and Arian Foster, but I’ve had to ride Spiller while Foster nurses his hammie. Spiller is the 8th scoring RB in our league, but I don’t see it lasting.
Right now I’ve got Murray + his handcuffs, Foster/Spiller/SJax in the RB2-hole, 4 good to great receivers, and Flacco/Brady.
So: Upgrade at QB (maybe Marshall for Rivers)? Upgrade at RB (maybe Cruz for Chris Ivory or Gio Bernard)? Or stand pat? I don’t want to let go of Donnell, and I don’t see anybody giving value for Vernon right now.
I’d ride Murray and Foster ’til the wheels fall off, and try to upgrade for Rivers. Brady’s performance against the Bengals was great, but
Relationship: I’ve got a strong marriage to a woman I met after my first wife passed away a few years ago.
Oof, terrible. About the first wife, I mean. Very glad to hear about the new marriage.
Also, I have ONE THOUSAND questions I want to ask you now.
We have a toddler and are looking to add one more. For reasons relating to Europe’s economy, my wife’s earnings have trended sharply downward for the last few years and aren’t picking up any time soon.
*shakes fist* GREEEEEEEEECE!!!
We talked last year about her looking for a career change so that we can be more secure with a new baby, but she hasn’t taken any serious action on that front. Now she’s talking about starting to try for the next kid because of her age (late 30s). I think getting pregnant will make it damn hard for her to change jobs for at least a couple of years. My lawyer job is pretty secure, but I’m in my late 40s and need us both earning at capacity to support a family, buy a house, and plan for retirement.
Oh, look at Mr. Responsible over here! Hey guys, check out at Mr. Upper Middle Class wanting to own a home! Awww, Attorney P. Lawyer, Esq. doesn’t want a second kid until his wife steps up and maximizes her earning potential! And look: the clouds are made of cotton candy!
We can have a rational discussion about it, but I think I need to be in a position to tell her I’m just not going to agree to have another kid until she has changed jobs. The idea of another kid on the way while she’s making a third of what I make gives me a LOT of anxiety. Obviously I wouldn’t open the conversation with “no kid till you’ve changed jobs,” but I think that’s my final position here.
Does this sound reasonable to a third party?
Thanks,
Perennial Playoff Pushover
It sounds reasonable to a robot, I’m sure. As a human, I read your words and kept coming up with “NOPE.”
You’ve been around the block longer than I have, and you have a wife over the age of 35, so I’m sure I don’t need to stress how much harder it is to conceive and bring a healthy baby to term the longer you wait to have that second kid. If you want to have two kids — and you should, because only children end up being self-centered weirdos — then your wife should take the lead on when to have that second kid. This is one of my hard-and-fast rules of relationships / general well-being for males: do not fuck with a woman over 35 who wants to have a baby.
Now, you and I are fundamentally different people. You have made responsible decisions with your life (law school, back when it was a responsible thing to do), you have responsible goals, and you’re seeking responsible paths to reach them. I, on the other hand, moved to New York City without a job, went broke, and started this football dick-joke blog you’re presently reading. I willingly concede your edge in adulthood, but I can’t help but feel your position sets you up for a less joyous life. Hear me out.
Assuming you have this talk with your wife and she takes it well and agrees (DOUBTFUL), she MIGHT be able to get a new job/career in a reasonably short amount of time, allowing you to conceive a second child with the full might of two fully realized careers and the cushion of sweet, sweet 401(k)s. Or it might take her five years to find a better job, and the window to have a child closes and it becomes a HUGE rift between you two because SHE wanted to have a kid back when she had eggs, but NOOOOOO, you just HAD to have it YOUR WAY, didn’t you?
Here’s what I propose: she looks for a job while you two try to conceive (and by all means, stress how much you would like for her to get a move on that new career). Maybe she finds that new job, maybe she doesn’t. Maybe you guys have a second child, maybe you don’t. Mayeb EVERYTHING takes longer than you expect it to — or shorter. Life is filled with shit we can’t control, and getting pregnant after 35 and finding jobs are two of them. Don’t make that stuff any harder.
Is that not the life you had planned? Welcome to life. If you have the second kid before she gets a new job, you’ll find a way to make it work. People always do.