Getty Image
Break-ups are rarely honest. The old trope “It’s not you, it’s me” is now widely accepted to mean “It’s definitely you,” but even beyond that, we’re not forthcoming in our reasons. When your heart curdles on a relationship, suddenly everything about the other person is wrong: their laugh, their clothes, their smell, the way they always want to TOUCH you (ugh!).
When you finally decide to stop being casually mean to them and just break it off, it seems an unnecessary cruelty to give them an honest exit interview. “Well Jessica, my friends found you annoying, and you weren’t very good at head” is not the what Jessica needs to hear when she’s tearfully asking “Whyyyyyy?”
ENTER: the disappearing act. No explanation, no conversation, no “See ya never!” — just complete silence from someone you used to have sex with. Rude? Yes. Cowardly? Absolutely. A staple of the modern dating scene? Getting to be. We’ll discuss it more later.
For those of you looking to write into next week’s mailbag, contact us here. If you’re looking for my other fantasy football stuff, you can find Keepers here and the War Room show here (or as a podcast!). Let’s get to your questions:
Greetings, Uff.
FF: For a 14 team league, I’ve got some surprising depth, especially at WR (AJ Green, Brandon Marshall, Sammy Watkins). So last week I’m offered a desperation trade for an RB. Fancying myself a fairly savvy manager, I settle on shipping Bobby Rainey and Cordarelle Patterson off for an obviously injured Knowshon Moreno. My rationale being that Bernard Pierce and CJ Spiller are consistent, if not overly impressive, and will undoubtedly be bolstered by my strong receiving corps. I felt like Knowshon ought to come back strong and give me a boost at RB going (ideally) into the playoffs.
Dang. That … that is not a trade I would have made.
Now the Ravens backfield situation is muddied by the Taliafero/Pierce/Forsett Cerberus, CJ hasn’t been as strong as I would’ve liked, and I’ve got an underutilized Bishop Sankey on the bench with no hope for Knowshon for another 5-7 weeks. Am I being a tad reactionary here? Should I give it a few weeks or is it wise to push a big-name receiver in the interest of getting a premier back?
Okay, so there’s s a certain kind of fantasy owner who gets two or three weeks into the season and starts making knee-jerk reaction trades because, say, Eddie Lacy looked bad going up against three of the five best rush defenses in the NFL. If you happen to be one of those owners, SETTLE THE HELL DOWN.
Look: there are early-season trades to be made if you auto-drafted and the bot put Jimmy Graham and Julius Thomas on your team but left you bereft of good running backs. There are early-season trades to be made if your starting running backs were Adrian Peterson and Jamaal Charles. I understand that you can’t afford to stand pat if you’re losing matchups, but don’t go tweaking your roster because you’re confident about depth at one position before the bye weeks even start.
For you, personally, I’d suggest waiting to see how this week goes. Like, this is gonna be Week 4. Pierce missed Week 3; in Week 2, he had 23 touches for 103 yards. I would at least wait and see if he gets the bulk of the workload before declaring pandemonium in the Ravens backfield and rashly making a big-name trade, especially since your first move was packaging two players to get an injured guy. Who knows — maybe that extra week will help Ken Whisenhunt decide that he should give Bishop Sankey more of the workload.
Sex: It’s sort of odd when I have to verbalize it, but I’ve been single for 6 years now. For the majority of that time, going stag was my prerogative. I pursue the occasional random lay. More so out of physiological necessity rather than avoidance of commitment.
But as I’m pushing into my later 20′s, I’ve begun to realize that I’m ready for more romantic stability and am, frankly, sort of lonely. I’ve adhered to the oft-repeated Ufford System of Personal Maintenance–working out, volunteering, applying to graduate school, attempting to meet new people through nonconventional avenues, generally focusing on my own health and happiness–but have thus far been unable to find anything that’ll stick. I consider myself a reasonably attractive, intelligent, charming dude. I’m not currently employed, but it’s temporary while I’ve been studying for the GRE. Is that singularly enough of a turn off to drive women off? I’m pretty inept when it comes to shit like this. Some insight would be greatly appreciated.
Trap or die,
The Dutch of Kib
While there certainly are SOME women who will rule out a man without a job, I’d wager that most would happily look past that for someone who’s kind, thoughtful, funny, and trustworthy — especially if there were mitigating circumstances like getting ready for grad school, as there are in your case.
If you’ve occasionally gone to bed with women over the last several years but never really wanted to date anyone, there’s a reason for that. And there’s a reason you haven’t jumped into a relationship even though you’re lonely: you’re picky. And that’s great! More people should be as selective as you are.
It sucks, of course, that that pickiness can be a two-way street: nothing’s worse than deciding you FINALLY like someone, only for her to be like, “Nah.” But that’s part of the process. Don’t get discouraged.
**********
Captain: FF: I’ve somehow lucked into having two of the better performing fantasy TEs this year – Martellus Bennett & Greg Olsen – but also have a pretty solid underachieving WR corps – V. Cruz, Alshon Jeffery, Emmanuel Sanders and Torrey Smith, so I’m looking for advice in trading away one of the TEs for a WR that is more likely to produce some consistency for me. Any advice on which of the TEs I should trade away and which WRs to target in return would be much appreciated.
Looks like I used up my “Settle down with the early-season trades” advice before it was REALLY warranted. Victor Cruz had five catches for 107 yards and a touchdown in Week 3. Alshon Jeffery just had 8 for 105 in primetime. Manny Sanders had 11 catches for 149 yards against the best passing defense in the league, the second straight week he broke 100 yards receiving. (Torrey Smith, well, I’m not gonna stick up for Torrey Smith.)
Take a step back and tell me what’s more likely about your trio of proven, talented wideouts who just combined for over 42 fantasy points in Week 3: that (A) a fluke of variance lined up a less-than-ideal week or two among them, or (B) you’re being pretty goddamn impatient considering Cruz and Sanders are playing in new offenses and Jeffery’s dinged up and playing alongside one of the best five receivers in the game?
Sex: For the most part, can’t complain – married, 2 kids, good sex life. However, I’m going to “bite the bullet” and in a couple weeks will be undergoing a vasectomy. I know my doctor will give me advice as to how to proceed in the sexy time department after I’ve healed, but I’m concerned about performance issues after I’m cleared to return to action. While I’ll defer to him on most of this stuff, I figured that I’d reach out to a mostly anonymous Fantasy Football expert to see if you or the Kommentariat can provide any anecdotes of post-recovery copulation to assuage my fears.
Thanks,
There are no good vasectomy jokes
I haven’t had this experience yet, but most vasectomized men will tell you that it’s no big deal. Your twig and berries aren’t touched at all; only the vas deferens – the little pipes that load sperm into the chamber, so to speak — are sealed off (hence the procedure’s name). It’s an outpatient procedure that takes 30 minutes, then you spend a day or two on the couch with ice packs on your crotch.
If that doesn’t assuage your fears, here’s what the WebMD page says:
You may have some swelling and minor pain in your scrotum for several days after the surgery. Unless your work is strenuous, you will be able to return to work in 1 or 2 days. Avoid heavy lifting for a week.
You can resume sexual intercourse as soon as you are comfortable, usually in about a week. But you can still get your partner pregnant until your sperm count is zero. You must use another method of birth control until you have a follow-up sperm count test 2 months after the vasectomy (or after 10 to 20 ejaculations over a shorter period of time).
Hope that helps.
**********
My dear old chap, (I’m British, it’s how I begin all my missives. I care not for your judgement)
As evidenced by all the double spaces between sentences that I deleted from your email. But don’t worry, I let you keep all the extra letters in your British spelling variants.
Sex: 2 young whipper-snappers around, so not too much of it about just now. When we do I try to make it really marvellous for the missus, in the hope she’ll want it more than fortnightly. Intercourse is nice, but I want the blow my head off orgasms I get from oral, too. She’s submissive and likes being cuffed, so usually I have to be the one to position myself so that oral is on the menu. What ratio of blow job orgasm to intercourse orgasm would be gentlemanly? One BJ to 2 other? Or 1-to-1?
Why ask me what’s “gentlemanly”? Your wife likes being handcuffed; maybe she doesn’t WANT a gentleman in the bedroom. Maybe if you have this conversation with her, she’ll surprise you with her desire to please you the way that you want to please her.
Fantasy: 12 team, .5 ppr. I am going well (3-0) but have Romo as my best QB option. Cutler and Wilson are backups on other teams, so I’m trying to assess a decent trade option. Cutler owner is short on WRs, Wilson owner is a clusterfuck and also has Luck. I have Le’Veon Bell, Pierre Thomas, Jackson and Richardson at RB, Antonio Brown, AJ Green, Crabtree, Decker, Gordon at WR and Julius Thomas and Kelce at TE. Who do I try to package? I thought I could try Wilson and Alshon for Crabtree, Romo and Jackson, or Cutler straight up for Crabtree. Or could I swing for the fences offering Crabtree and Jackson for Luck? I can’t assess what is fair and proper. Thank you kindly, Earl Grey
First, that is too many names and possibilities for me to keep track of. Second, see above to the other two guys who were too eager to trade.
Romo had a slow start to the season, but — fantasy-wise — he’s going to be in the same tier as Wilson and Cutler as the season progresses. Don’t weaken your very-good lineup at a different position for a minuscule upgrade at QB. (If I were you, I’d ride that lineup to the playoffs, then try to flip Josh Gordon the week he before he comes back for a Top-5 QB.)
***********
Dearest Caveman,
FF- Flex, pick two (PPR, standard otherwise): Hurns @ SD, Bowe vs NE, Martin @ PIT, Bernard Pierce vs CAR. I’m thinking Martin and Hurns are the best options due to Bowe’s potential matchup with Revis and Pierce going against CAR’s front seven but I’d love me some additional input.
I think you might have the wrong Allen on Jacksonville. Allen Robinson started ahead of Hurns last week, played 70% of offensive the snaps, and caught 7 of 10 targets for 79 yards. He’d be a better play than Hurns, if I absolutely HAD to make the desperate decision to start one of two Jaguars wide receivers.
If Doug Martin gets the nod for Tampa, I’d start him. Same thing with Pierce — I have a hard time fearing a front seven that just allowed two 100-yard rushers in the same game.
Sexy- I’m recently single out of a pretty long-term relationship. I’m doing all the requisite “tindering” (begrudgingly, it’s basically hot-or-not and I’m no Brad Pitt) that a single gentleman must do. It lead me to a girl, let’s call her Cinnamon, who seemed really great. Cinnamon had a really great job, made good money and for all intents and purposes, had her shit together. We went on some dates, the sex was really good, the personal dynamic was great. We had similar senses of humor, pretty sarcastic, liked sports, etc.
I know exactly where this is going.
Suffice it to say, things were going swimmingly until all of a sudden, she throws a smokebomb and disappears. No reason, no story, just completely stops texting and responding to texting and doesn’t answer the phone (I’m no creeper, it was over the course of the week, 4 texts total, a facebook message, 1 phone call-no voicemail, that’s all).
“Hey, uh, just checking to see if you got my previous texts?”
I’m figuratively at a loss. I ask for some explanation and get no response, whatsoever. I’m resigned to the fact that sometimes, people just suck, and that’s basically going to happen a time or two during this period of being single but there was some serious potential there with Cinnamon and the total drop off was something I never saw coming, at all. I saw a future. If in a couple months I’m still unoccupied, is it a bad idea to attempt to reach back out? If it isn’t, how should I go about doing it?
Thanks,
-You never see Kid Rock and Dan Carpenter in the same room, do you?
So this is the reality of our 21st century Tindr-fed cornucopia of dating options: as our options increase, our attention spans shrink. In ye olden days, if you got naked and shared a bed with someone, you typically owed them a face-to-face explanation when you didn’t want to date them any more. Then it became a phone call. Then a text became acceptable. And hell, if you’re only going to send a text to break it off, why text at all? Just freeze ‘em out — they’ll eventually get the idea.
So since Cinnamon doesn’t want to tell you, I’ll fill in for her: SHE DOESN’T WANT TO DATE YOU. She found you decent enough to have sex with for a while, but didn’t think you were boyfriend material. Or she was seeing other people and decided to get serious with another guy she was dating. Or she joined a convent. Or — this is how I prefer to think of these things — she was hit by a truck while crossing the street. (RIP Cinnamon.)
The point is: she dumped you. Whether she did so actively or passively (like a coward!) is moot, because you are DUMPED, sir. And when you’ve been dumped, you don’t hit her back up in six months to see if she wants to reconsider. “Oh! Dan! The guy whose four texts, Facebook message, and phone call I ignored before he took a hint! Yeah, sure, let’s go out again.” No.
Dating sucks, y’all. Bad things happen, and you don’t get an explanation. Think of it as a metaphor for how the entire planet works, and do your best to enjoy life in spite of that.
**********
Dear Football Sex Guy;
Football: In 1st place, pretty happy with my team, but so far my waiver wire TE committee has drummed up a total of 5 pts through 3 weeks. Are there any guys out there outside of Graham/Thomas who would warrant giving up something of value? I dont see any trades that offer enough upside over the Jared Cooks and Coby Fleeners of the world that id be willing to give anything up for. My potential trade chips include T.Y. Hilton (on my bench) and Lamar Miller (currently flexing but who’s value may be near its peak).
There’s certainly a tier between Graham/Thomas and Cook/Fleener — Niles Paul occupies it at present, and Larry Donnell’s probably nearby. Martellus Bennett has had a terrific start, but his history suggests he’ll cool down a bit. Greg Olson and Zach Ertz figure to be steady plays throughout the year.
I’d take a look at the roster of the guy who owns Julius Thomas. Thomas is on bye this week, so after Sunday, that guy won’t be needing a second tight end on his roster. If his backup TE is someone you can rely on (or on the rise, like Travis Kelce), see if you can pry him away with one of your expendable players.
Sex: Got out of a long term relationship about a year and a half ago. After a few months when i felt i was ready to get back out there, i decided to message a girl who ive been friends with for a long time but never super close with, lets call her Kelly. Kelly is really cool, a ton of fun to hang out with, and most importantly throws alot of parties and has alot of attractive friends. Type of friend any single guy would love to have.
So a couple weekends later, Kelly messages me saying shes going out to the bar with some friends, i should come out and she’ll be my ‘wingwoman’ and help me find some tail since she knows i havent been single in ages and dont have a fucking clue. Well, one thing leads to another and I end up back at Kelly’s place making out with her. Were obviously both wasted but as things start to heat up she puts a stop to it saying it doesnt feel right because she is friends with my ex. She confessed she’s had a thing for me for a really long time and shes super into me but it doesnt feel right.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I have too much respect for your ex. And also you don’t use apostrophes.”
Now Kelly and my ex were not close, they have some mutual friends so they probably see each other 2-3 times a year through birthdays, bachelorettes, weddings, etc. I told Kelly I didnt give a shit what my ex thought but i understood it put her in an awkward position, so it was up to her. Coincidentally I ran into my ex shortly thereafter and during the awkward ‘how have you been/what have you been up to’ conversation Kelly’s name came up and my ex blurted out ‘yeah dont date Kelly that would be really weird’ so obviously Kelly had asked her about it. After that Kelly said lets just stick to being friends, but didnt really respond most times when I texted her so i took the hint and fucked off.
Fuck your ex. And fuck Kelly for asking her permission. Once you’re out of a relationship, you have ZERO say in who your ex sleeps with. That’s one of the many things that’s awesome about not being in a relationship.
And that “awkwardness” that people always want to avoid? Adults get over that shit.
Fast forward like 9 months and she texts me out of the blue, ‘hey whats up i miss hanging out with you we should catch up!’ I say great, lets grab some dinner or drinks sometime, she says she’s really busy with work and travel but she’d love to. Next couple times i bring it up she says she’s still busy and it never happens. I say fuck it and forget about it. Fast forward 4-5 more months to yesterday when she texts me out of the blue again. Now she says she just needs to get her next schedule (she works evenings) then we will definitely do dinner.
So it was kind of framed as just a friendly reunion (we were friends 10+ years before any of this) but that’s bullshit at this point right? And is there like a statute of limitations on dating the ex of a friend/acquaintance?
Thanks,
Grits N Gravy
Kansas City, Missouri
There’s no statute of limitations, period. You can ALWAYS date whoever you want, and so can Kelly. What I’d be concerned about is that someone you made out with WELL over a year ago has jerked you around two different times, ostensibly out of respect for the “friend” she sees three times a year. I have a hard time believing that you’re more than some guy she’s keeping on the back burner in case she needs some companionship.
I could be wrong, of course (I often am). Maybe she’s been super-focused on work. Maybe she’s just a flake. But if I were you, I’d go to dinner with low expectations, and I’d hold her feet to the fire about her repeated disappearing acts. I’m not saying that you should be rude to her, but she should know that she can’t waltz in and out of your life every few months when she feels like some attention. More than likely, her reaction will be to prove that she’s into you.
(I’m talking about sex.)