Ufford
I didn’t always write this here mailbag. It started out as Drew’s thing, and I gave it a spin when he started getting bogged down with other gigs — this was back in 2008, I think, or maybe ’09. And because I’m not as funny as Drew, or maybe because I was in a phase of earnest self-improvement — I was coming off a break-up, after all — this morphed into a forum where we all kinda helped each other get through heartbreak and weight loss and addiction and drafting Chris Johnson.
Five years is a long time to answer questions about fantasy football and sex, and I fear many of my answers have become something approaching rote. In that time I’ve gone from single to engaged to married to fatherhood, and I’m stuck between being out of touch with dating and not wanting to write about my kid (too much, anyway).
So. Time to move on from this column. As always, I’ve deleted anything nice you lovely emailers had to say about me writing the mailbag, but I *did* take note of them. As always, thanks for writing in. It’s been fun.
Now stop making it weird and just read the rest of the mailbag already.
Oh Captain,
10 year emotional relationship. 6 year physical. 14 year friendship.
So wait, there were four years of friendship that weren’t emotional? And four years of a decade-long relationship that didn’t have any sex? Oh man. This is gonna be a disaster, isn’t it?
Up and down roller coaster. We broke up and got back together multiple times.
PRO TIP: breaking up is a good sign that two people shouldn’t be together. Breaking up SEVERAL times is a neon blinking billboard on a dark country road. It’s so easy to be like, “Our insane chemistry keeps pulling us back together!” But that’s only one side of the coin. The other is “We’re too stupid to stay apart!”
6 months ago, she came to me and said “I need you out of my life. I will never move on if we keep being friends.” Understood. It hurt, because I was still hoping she would come back, but I get it. Fast forward four months. I kept seeing a car that reminded me of hers on my street. Played it off. Had to be a coincidence. This past weekend saw her car, was stopped next to it by pedestrians. Looked closely and it was undeniably her car. Hate to say, I stalked it to make sure. It was, without a doubt. Was still there in the morning, so despite my telling myself not to, I texted her
— against her wishes —
“please say you sold your car”. Shockingly, (not shocked) she didn’t reply. She is parking across the street from my house, the house she basically lived in for years. A heads up would have sucked, but stumbling upon this sucked more.
I know we move on. I was starting to finally move on after 10 years. But I am disturbed by her callousness. I would have given her a heads up if the tables were reversed. She is basically advertising that she is fucking some new dude right across the street from me. I am following your plan, but this has thrown a wrench. Thank you, and good luck for the future.
– I Know Better, but I still care for her.
So. I know you’re stuck in the whirlpool of your own anguish over this slight, but I’d be remiss in my duties if I didn’t point a few things out. Bear with me one moment.
- She specifically said, “I need you out of my life.”
- You texted her because you saw her car.
Now, I fully grant that seeing her car on your street is a mind-fuck. But seeing as how you weren’t even sure it was her car the first time you saw it, I assume she’s not driving the PUSSY WAGON from Kill Bill. She has a common enough car to be seen and looked past, for the most part. Would it be nice if she parked it around the corner where you’d be more likely to miss it? Sure. But let me ask you this: how often have you parked farther away from the place you’re going?
A car on your street is not the greatest impediment to getting over someone. There are thousands of people who have to face their exes at work, and others who break up while still living together. THAT would be worth your stress and anguish. Her car is just a car, and she’s driven it to a new place. Metaphorically, I mean.
Again, I’m not trying to beat up on you when you’re feeling down. But four months have gone by — fully one-third of a year — and she’s seeing someone steadily, which you dismiss as her “fucking some new dude.” Who’s the callous one? I know it was ten years, but she’s moved on. You need to, too.
**********
This is Double Dog. You took my question on Tawny and Maddie.
Ah yes! Sexy Tawny and Maddie, who was merely sweet and cute but you weren’t looking for a relationship.
I took your advice and went for Tawny. I had to go for it. I made her a mixtape
no
with a bunch of sad love songs that’ll really explain to her how I feel.
No. No no no.
I spent 2 hours trying to pick the perfect songs. When I got to her apartment I told her “Remember me when you play them” (why).
oh god man NO
She gave a half panicked smile and put it away. After two days, I ask her if she listened to it, and she texted me saying yes. And after, say, 10 minutes of a bubble with 3 dots, another text saying she doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore. She loves sad love songs, just not on a CD from me.
Or on a CD from ANYONE. It’s fucking 2015, man. I don’t even have a device that PLAYS CDs, and I’m old as shit. I told you to keep hooking up with Tawny for as long as she’d let you, not to scare her away with an antiquated gesture. “Hey baby, just play this on your gramophone!”
(This all happened two days before Drew Magary’s Failed Romantic Gestures mailbag, god dammit.) Now I’m stuck, I think literally, in snowbound Boston, listening to fucking Patriots fans fawn over life while reading about the Browns disintegrate into a toxic slurry.
Oh, and I learned on Facebook that Maddie’s now dating someone else. This should be a great Valentines Day.
-DD
Okay, for starters, you didn’t WANT to date Maddie. Your precise words were “I’m 22, and it feels like the last thing I should be doing is ‘settling down’.” I think you should be happy for Maddie; she deserves to be with someone who doesn’t spend his time with her thinking about someone sexier.
Second, knock it off with the starry-eyed, hands-clasped-by-your-heart act for Valentines Day. You’re a 22-year-old man. At that age you’re mostly impulse and testosterone and boners, and sometimes you confuse the boners for feelings. Which is to say: do not be sad about being alone on Valentines Day. Cherish every single Valentines Day that doesn’t require you to buy a gift or flowers, or make a romantic gesture, or try to get dinner reservations at a place where everyone will be dressed nicely and you’ll have to wear a tie. Valentines Day sucks and it’s way easier to ignore when you’re not dating someone. Go get drunk at a bar.
Third, I think we’ve learned a pair of important lessons: (1) do not make grand romantic gestures to casual hook-ups, and (2) if you have to, just make a Spotify playlist.
**********
Captain,
First, I hope you enjoyed your time in our Valley of the Sun for the Super Bowl festivities. That cloud cover you broke on Shaw Butte occurs only every few years, so the timing couldn’t have been better.
Wow for real? Shame that I used up all my good luck on the morning of the Super Bowl.
I think Phoenix did its best job yet for the “big game” now that the necessary infrastructure is mostly in place, and can hang with most other sites to get the bid every 4-6 years.
Phoenix is fine. I don’t think the distances between downtown and Scottsdale and the stadium does it any favors, but then, I didn’t go to any parties or the game while I was there, so it ended up not affecting me. I’d still prefer a three-city rotation of Miami / New Orleans / San Diego, though. I’m already dreading Minneapolis in 24 months.
My question: I work with a *stunning* South American woman, who is also sweet and very smart, in a professional office setting. After months of pleasantries, she revealed to me last week that she’s had dreams about me. Dreams, Matt. Dreams that she couldn’t articulate because they were “inappropriate” and “could lead to bad things”. I’m no ogre but I wasn’t expecting this in the slightest.
Giggety.
She’s married. To maintain green card status; to a guy she was interested in seven years ago but not at all anymore, and his feeling seems to be mutual. By her account he plays golf and hangs with his bros exclusively, can’t be bothered to sleep with her (picture Rod Stewart yawning when Rachel Hunter is right there — dick), and essentially treats her like a maid. She’s understandably miserable. She’s been here 15 years, but extreme circumstances dictate that if they were to divorce in the next 18 months, she would likely be deported, and she’s earned a graduate degree here and bought a house. If she stays married past 18 months, she’s eligible for naturalization regardless of marital status.
Ooh, this is shaping up like the plot of a sexual thriller! Are you gonna murder the husband? As a semi-professional advice-giver, I cannot in good conscience recommend murder.
We flirted via text all week, connected quite a bit, and got a drink together Friday to talk. She clearly felt guilty about doing even that. Biology took over after three hours (both sober btw) and I attempted to kiss her but gave her a big windup to see it coming, and got rebuffed. That’s a good sign to me, loyalty-wise. Since, it’s been constant texting (getting-to-know-you basics, her describing both emotional and sexual frustration) and her situation does sound genuinely terrible. Shit, she has texted me while I’m typing this about how she wants that change too, but has so much on the line that it could backfire in an incredibly disastrous way. I’ve been in some pickles in my day, but this is all brand new.
I want to get to know her, and made it clear that i’m not simply a shoulder to cry on, but an interested party. She’s into me and there’s no governmental benefit for her regarding citizenship. I also don’t want to step on any marriage, no matter how dysfunctional.
Oh, bullshit. You’d happily burn that marriage down. And I, for one, hope you get the chance to.
I’m confused and eager and could use some straightening out. Do advise.
Godspeed,
Garth Marenghi
I’ve never wooed a married woman, but I have been interested in someone who was in an unhappy relationship (more than once, unfortunately). You’re obviously treading in dangerous territory — dangerous for your emotions, dangerous in the risk of failure, dangerous if the husband happens to be a gun owner.
And so the best approach is the most passive one possible: let her set the bar for communication, physical contact, etc. You’re free to reciprocate, of course, but I shouldn’t need to remind you of the risk of fucking a married woman without citizenship. All it takes is one slip-up or an admission of guilt to her husband, and BOOM! Back to Colombia or wherever, unless you wanna marry her before Customs can file the paperwork.
As long as you’re in this early stage — that is, woozy with desire and amped on the adrenaline spike of clandestine communication — you’re going to particularly susceptible to falling for someone who is (a) married/unavailable and (b) in danger of being deported should that marriage end. Translation: there are a LOT of booby traps here, and most of them end in heartbreak (who’s to say that she didn’t hook ol’ Rod Stewart the same way she’s going after you?). So don’t put all your eggs into this emotional basket. Continue dating other people, or at least remain open to the idea of dating someone else. Tread carefully here, and with patience.
**********
Dear Cap’n,
Nothing really on the fantasy front, managed to get third place despite Lesean Mccoy being my first pick (running backs man) and recouped my entrance fee.
Real question has to do with dating while in the military. To keep it short I’m recently out of college and for the last year I’ve been in an intense training pipeline in a pretty dumpy town thats about an hour or more away from any city worth going out in.
Oh, so you’re at Every Military Base?
It’s an all male environment and during training rotations that can last for several weeks I’m out in the woods just thinking about executing the tasks presented by the cadre. Outside of training, some weekends me and the other students drive out to the cities into civilian society and basically have a difficult time interacting with women and people outside the military. I’ve noticed it getting better over time but I was wondering if you had any tips from your experience in the Marines for how to get over this hump of feeling kind of detached with non-military people. Not even totally sure if this is a military problem or just a constantly in new strange places issue though they could be the same thing. I should be down here for another year so any advice would be greatly appreciated.
-John
Okay, so I’m not going to go into a whole thing on the civilian-military divide. That’s part of what you’re experiencing, but it would be like discussing ways to fix global warming when you’re in the middle of a hurricane. Sometimes it’s just best to fill sandbags.
So, let’s just pull this Band-Aid off: if you are a young, single military male who is educated and looking to date a similarly educated woman, well…
You are not going to find Miss Right in the proximity of your base, because military bases don’t have many jobs for educated civilian women. It’s not like, “Oh, Edelman PR just opened an office next to Fort Bragg, so many hotties!” Any attractive women you see near the base are (a) already married, (b) in the military themselves (and probably enlisted — a no-no for officers like you), or (c) someone who wants a military husband for health care. NOT OPTIMAL.
So you drive over an hour to the nearest city with three of your lieutenant buddies to get drunk and chase women. If you are like most lieutenants, you have high-and-tight haircuts and conservative, unfashionable clothes. You are the only four guys with high-and-tights in the bar, and at least one of you is wearing a braided belt. Even if you are handsome and fit — and surely you are — many (most) women will prefer men with cool haircuts and good clothes.
But let’s say you successfully break away from your clique and talk to an attractive and engaging woman. She likes your chivalry and is intrigued by your job. Maybe she even kisses you! She wants to hang out again — how’s next Wednesday? Ooh, you can’t really do during the week, because you have to be up at 6:00 a.m. over an hour away. Well, what about next weekend? The next two weekends aren’t any good, because you’re going to be in the field. You won’t even have your phone with you.
Put yourself in the woman’s shoes: are you worth the time and patience?
As a veteran, I’ve typically blamed an uncaring populace for the civilian-military divide, but it’s not like the military is super-approachable. We live on guarded bases and shave our heads and speak in acronyms. So if you want to connect with civilians, try looking and acting and thinking like them. Grow your hair a little longer (but still within regulation, of course). Burn any khaki pants you might own. I won’t tell you how to dress, but a good general piece of advice is “not like anyone in the military.” (Example: regular humans wear Ray-Bans, not Oakleys.) And instead of rolling up to a bar with your testosterone team, maybe go with just one friend to a small place that has live music.
No one crosses the civilian-military divide alone; you can only meet in the middle. And to do that, you’re going to have to cross into no-man’s land. There’s no map, but wandering around by feel isn’t as bad as it sounds.
(Other places to find Matt Ufford online: @mattufford on Twitter, SB Nation’s YouTube channel, The Inactives NFL podcast on iTunes and PocketCast. Follow / subscribe / say hello, if it suits you. Oh, and here’s the Definitive Break-up Guide. Bookmark it.)