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This week’s mailbag kicks off with a PIPING HOT TAKE about referees. But, because I like to keep these intros nice and lean, you’ve got to wait for the first response in the mailbag before I baby-bird my wisdom down your eyeholes. As always, if you have a question for next week’s mailbag, please email us. Onward!
This first email is from a week or two ago:
Dear KSK,
So in the Seahawks/Rams game, at 9:13 the rams complete a pass, but the clock never starts, and stays stopped until the next play. Basically an extra 30 seconds were added on the clock. It was never addressed by anyone, or changed. As far as I can tell, I’m pretty much the only person in the world who caught this glitch. I feel like Roddy Piper in ‘They Live’. It’s freaking me out.
Anyway, the game lasted about 30 seconds longer than it should have. Can they change that at all if they catch it like 10 minutes later?
Nope. And I commend the refs for making a Rams game shorter.
What happens if a team loses because of that extra 30 seconds? Like they have a lead, and then in the last extra 30 seconds (that shouldn’t have existed) the other team scores and wins? That has to be one of the biggest fuck ups by refs ever right?
-Brian in Seattle
Are you seriously writing that from the city where the Fail Mary happened?
You bring up an interesting point, though, especially in light of all the shit that went down in the Lions-Cowboys Wild Card game. As a Seahawks fan who felt jobbed by Bill Leavy’s crew in Super Bowl XL, I have a certain amount of sympathy for Lions fans, but I also know that neutral fans’ tolerance for complaining about the refs lasts for, oh, about two days.
The healthiest thing you can do as a sports fan is accept that referees are human and prone to error, even incompetence. A football game — any game, really — hinges on so much: a toe on the line, a torn ligament, a split-second head start at the snap, a momentary flick of the eyes upfield as the ball arrives, a coach’s decision to go for it or punt, the pressure that forces a pass to be overthrown by an inch, as well as every decision to throw a flag or keep it tucked away: every late hit on the quarterback produces a fresh set of downs, and almost every offensive hold kills a drive.
I’m telling you: accept it all. It is all part of the game, and it’s not always fair. If you’re going to choose an alternate history for the Wild Card round where the referees call pass interference on the Cowboys instead of picking up the flag, why not also change the seven plays that had a more deleterious effect for the Lions? What if all of Matt Stafford’s throws had been perfectly on target? What if DeMarco Murray had fumbled three times? Hey, while you’re playing make-believe, make the cheerleaders’ tits a little bigger, too. Wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which fills up first.
Anyway, sorry to pivot away from your question, but the answer is: nobody cares about the Rams-Seahawks game.
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Ahoy matey,
I’m tired of drinking the same old “go-to” liquor on the weekend. What are some recommendations you have for the following types of booze? I’m thinking definitely not cheap, but not too pricey:
Rum
Gin
Vodka
Whiskey
Tequila
Well, this varies wildly depending on what kind of drinking you’re doing. If you’re at a bar and slinging whiskey & Cokes, I’m not going to advise an upgrade to Blanton’s. So I’ll make my recommendations based on the assumption that you’re drinking these straight or in cocktails that can highlight a quality spirit.
Rum — Congratulations! If you are drinking rum, then you are on vacation somewhere in the West Indies, or possibly Hawaii. Buy something local you don’t recognize (Dominican rum is great!) and drink it with coconut water and fresh fruit.
Gin — I’m perfectly content with Hendrick’s for most gin drinks (mmmm… negronis), though I go with something a little less floral if I’m having a martini with olives (Tanqueray, usually). If you like Hendrick’s but want to mix it up, you’ll like Bulldog and Tanqueray No. 10. And if you can find it, DH Krahn is an American gin made that has the same floral bouquet that marks most quality gins right now.
Vodka — Vodka serves two kinds of drinkers: people who don’t actually like liquor, and Russians. The Russians I’ve known all favor Russian Standard, so that’s the bottle I buy.
Whiskey — I ain’t even getting into a huge whiskey discussion, because some asshole’s gonna be like, “there’s no E in Scotch whisky!” and then we all just go fight in the comments about what we like best. So, here are a couple whiskeys I’ve been enjoying this winter:
- Oola Waitsburg Bourbon Whiskey — It’s made in Seattle (and delicious), so I drink it during Seahawks games.
- Hudson Baby Bourbon — At $40-$45 for a 375-ml bottle, it’s not a sensible purchase, but I’ve accepted it as a reasonable substitute for Pappy Van Winkle. I know, I know: nothing is a substitute for Pappy, but the Baby Bourbon beats the headache of finding (and paying for) Pappy.
- Yamazaki 12 — A gift from a very kind friend, and the convincing I needed that Japanese scotch is more than worthy of your hard-earned scotch dollars.
- Medley Bros. — A nice bottom-shelf option that I use to get away from my daily dose of Evan Williams.
Tequila — I don’t drink much tequila outside of summer or Mexico, but I prefer añejos and reposados. The fact that blancos are so popular is a testament to advertising and the idiocy of people who go to clubs. Have you had much mezcal? It’s more complex and smokier than tequila, so it pairs well with liqueurs and, in my opinion, makes better cocktails. Most decent liquor stores should have Del Maguey in stock; pick up a bottle and enjoy on ice or in a white negroni (1.5 oz mezcal, 3/4 oz Suze, 3/4 oz dry vermouth, garnish with grapefruit peel).
Also, what’s your prediction for the games this weekend? Who would you rather the Seahawks host on Championship weekend (if they win)? What AFC team would be the toughest matchup for the Seahawks (if they make it back)?
Sincerely yours,
Aaron Rodgers Beady Eyes
So many questions! Here’s my preview for this weekend:
If you don’t have 11 minutes to watch that, I think we’ll see chalk advance, with a few covers and the Cowboys as the best chance of seeing an upset. Not exactly the boldest of predictions.
As for the Seahawks, I’m not speculating on anything beyond this weekend. That’s a great way to get your dick punched by an upset.
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Hello!
Longtime reader, despite not being the biggest football fan. A friend once asked me to name every NFL player that I knew, and I could only list the quarterbacks and the ones in the news for beating their wives.
Say what you will about Ray Rice punching his wife unconscious, it really raised his visibility!
Relationship: My boyfriend actually wrote into the mailbag a while ago (he was the one going to Africa) and now we’re about two weeks into living on separate continents. Your suggestion of an engagement ring was a little premature- we’re both young and really only just getting started with our careers (his just happens to be in Rwanda for the next year).
To be fair, my “suggestion” of an engagement ring was more of a dry dismissal of a subject that’s exasperating to address several times a month. “Hey, I know you recommend against long-distance relationships, but we’re going to do it anyway. Can you come up with some extra ideas for us to keep things fresh?”
He’s doing surprisingly well at communicating- iMessage works pretty much normally and we even have a blurry FaceTime conversation every few days.
I guess my real issue is with myself- I am really struggling with living alone and have major anxiety without him. I’m also paying twice the rent now in a major city, which is adding to that anxiety (it was low when we were splitting it, so it’s not unfathomable now but still sucks).
Wait wait wait. Was this somehow not anticipated by either of you before he left the country? “Bye baby, I’m moving to Africa, have fun with the rent!”
Between that and knowing that I can’t see him until possibly an August visit, I am kind of dreading waking up everyday. I’m so proud of him and committed to getting through the next year (since it has set end-point), but how can I adapt to being on my own? I don’t want to spend this year in a funk while he’s having this amazing experience.
“Poor ol’ me, stuck in the First World while my boyfriend has an amazing experience in Rwanda!”
In a perfect world, I would jump into Step 3 of the post-breakup plan. So basically, I am wondering how to avoid Steps 1 and 2, because I can’t afford to do poorly at work right now and I don’t want to alienate my partner by being a miserable train wreck when we do get to talk.
I mean, you can definitely undertake the self-improvement of Step 3 without going through Steps 1 and 2. Seeing as how Step 1 is “Break all contact,” that’s a pretty easy one to ignore. So all you have to do is not drink your way through loneliness. And in order to do that, you have to not feel sorry for yourself. And in order to not feel sorry for yourself, you need to stay occupied with activities — HEY! That’s Step 3!
Your boyfriend is experiencing something that you can’t really understand until you visit him in the summer (and even then, what you see will only scratch the surface). You need something like that: a new hobby, a new interest, new aspect of yourself that exists outside of your relationship. If you’re anxious without your boyfriend, then you probably NEED to spend more time working on yourself as an individual. Kick ass at work and ask for a raise. Hang out with your friends. Join a rock-climbing gym. Take a cooking class.
I apologize if I’ve been less than sympathetic to your and your boyfriend, but this is the path in life that both of you have chosen. So don’t mope about conditions that you’re responsible. Moping is fucking BORING, especially when you can be learning awesome things about yourself and the world around you.
Fantasy: I started a new job this past summer and joined the (18!!!) team office league
wut
to make friends, despite never having been that into football. My boyfriend is OBSESSED with football and managed my team every week. I also drafted my team using that Pro Football Focus auto-drafter thing.
Well… after being in the middle of the pack for a lot of the season, I won my last 6 games and pulled ahead to WIN THE LEAGUE. And… now I’m feeling really guilty, because I never once set my own lineup. Should I do something nice with my winnings? I’m thinking of buying some beer for the office happy hour, at least. Am I right to feel like an asshole about this? I was pretty open about it at work, since I could barely even name who was on my team. Next season, my team manager will still be in Rwanda so I will definitely go down in flames then, if that makes it a little better.
Thanks, and congrats again on the baby!
Sincerely,
Pseudo-Single
It’s unnecessary but a nice gesture, especially if you’re looking to expand your world beyond the lonely walls of your too-expensive apartment. Ordinarily I’d recommend keeping all that sweet, sweet fantasy cash to yourself, but in this case I think it’d be nice to throw a little party for your league-mates/co-workers.
And don’t sell yourself short: by next season, you might be a fantasy expert. It just depends on what you want to throw your extra time and energy into.
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Hey UFFSEASON,
Fantasy wise, thanks to Odell Beckham’s insane weekly stats, and a late season surge by the rest of my squad, I took home the Championship in my ultra competitive 12 man league. It feels great to enjoy Fantasy Football again! Ok done bragging, my question is, what have been some of the better last place “penalties” that you’ve heard of. Our league has been intact for over 12 years, but we can never seem to come to an agreement on something. This season, we decided, on 2015 draft day, we will be EGGING our last place finisher. Quick, and well, sort of painless. As someone who hears the good, bad, and ugly of Fantasy Football, curious to hear your input.
I’m not down for the last-place penalty. “Thanks for paying money to be in our pretend football club, you were bad at it so we’re going to throw eggs at you.” I don’t have one friend that I’d throw an egg at.
I’m not trying to be all high and mighty here: some fantasy leagues exist for trash talk and fratty behavior, and that’s fine. It’s probably a lot more fun than being a 36-year-old husband and father. Obviously, if your league has been together for 12 years, you’ve achieved a certain amount of closeness. But hazing the last-place guy isn’t going to build any camaraderie; it’s just going to be a humiliating event that the dickheads in your league will bring up to razz the poor fool who got egged. Also a waste of perfectly good eggs. Why can’t he just make everyone omelets?
As far as relationships go, since you provided me some excellent wedding day advice already–DON’T BE DRUNK– I’m proud to say that I’ve been happily married for just over a year now. However, my wife and I (and our families) are originally from different states, so our Holidays tend to be a bit more hectic than normal with all the traveling. Add in the fact that BOTH of our parents are divorced and remarried, you end up with the two of us schlepping to a minimum of FOUR Christmases,
Warner Bros
in multiple states, and unfortunately now find ourselves enjoying the holidays less and less each year. So Yes, in short, my life is like a Vince Vaughn Rom-Com. We’ve talked about the idea of just going away from the Holidays next year, we don’t have kids, and this might be the time to do it. My question is, is this a dick-move on our part, or justifiable? The idea of just splitting the Holidays (Thanksgiving with one, Christmas with another) is also impossible since our families are in multiple states.
Happy New Year!
Odell Beckham’s #1 Fan
Yes, ABSOLUTELY get the hell away by yourselves for the holidays. Go to the tropics or on some ski vacation if you can afford it. Oh wait, of COURSE you can afford it, because it’s cheaper than traveling all over the fucking country during peak holiday season (not to mention infinitely less stressful).
You should do what you want to do at the holidays, and here’s why: you’re never going to make everyone happy no matter what you do, so you may as well make sure that YOU’RE happy. I’m friends with a couple who live in New York, but their parents live in California. And a few years back they were like, “It’s too expensive to fly during the holidays every year. We’ll come see you guys a couple times during the year when we can get good rates on airfare, but we’re not going through the holiday rigamarole any more.”
And what choice do the parents have? Are they gonna say, “No, don’t visit us”? Not when there are three other families competing for face time they aren’t. Do what you want to do, and if someone doesn’t like it, cool — that’s one less visit to make.