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Hey Internet friends! Thanks for playing so nice with Sarah last week while I was away. I was in Paris with my wife, where I dusted off my French skills after not using them for at least 13 years. FUN FACT: boire is the verb “to drink,” while boîte means “box” (container, not the sport). Get one little letter wrong, and you end up telling a waitress that you’re just sitting down at a café “for box,” which is a fun thing to do if you want to feel like a yokel asshole.

Other things to know about Paris:

• Almost nobody works. The only jobs available to Parisians are “cafe/restaurant server” and “shopkeeper smoking in the doorway of their store.”
• There is one kind of salad dressing: mustard.
• Most buildings in Paris are museums. Just keep trying doors until you gain entry.
• The most common thought I had while walking around Paris was “Whoa, that dude looked SUPER French!” They are a scarf-loving people.

Anyway, Paris is great: excellent cheese and pastries and wine and culture and romantic crap. It’s not overrated at all, unlike Eli Manning.

On to your mail!

Good afternoon!
Fantasy Football: I was pretty surprised to see Toby Gerhart get more money than Ben Tate in free agency. I think the Jaguars feel like he can be a Steven Jackson or Marshawn Lynch-type of back. What do you expect from Gerhart as a 15-20 touch per game back going forward?

I’m not sure what exactly you mean by a “Steven Jackson or Marshawn Lynch-type of back,” because Steven Jackson and Marshawn Lynch are two VERY different backs these days. I’m assuming you mean the Steven Jackson of a couple years ago, and if you’re talking about a physical three-down back, then yes: Gus Bradley sees Gerhart getting between 15 and 18 touches a game.

If you’re talking about a Pro Bowl running back, I have my reservations, mostly because (a) I’m not used to expecting that of Jaguars, and (b) I’m racist against white running backs. Still, touches matter in fantasy, and Gerhart did well enough in spot duty with the Vikings to suggest he’d be a fine RB2.

And if you’re talking about a guy with dreads, then no. In general, no one named “Toby” reminds me of anyone named “Marshawn.”

Sex: what is the “rule” regarding sex with a guest in the house? Obviously if you’re a college student with a roommate it’s generally accepted, but my wife and I own our own house and have no roommates. I’ve had a couple cousins stay the night in our guest room while passing through town, and we’ve ended up having sex (quietly) both nights. Is this an acceptable practice, or should we be expected to keep our pants on with guests over since we have our house to ourselves every other night of the year? Thanks for your help (also, thanks for your help a couple months ago when I wrote in about other issues…we’ve since resolved them with the help of a very productive doctor visit).
Firebert (not a good commando name)

Your house, your rules. Fuck away, quietly or not. If your cousins don’t like it, they can pay for a Holiday Inn.

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Dear KSK,
A girl and I had a thing for a few months, during that time I signed into Netflix on her computer. She continues to use it (it’s not a huge issue but is kinda annoying). Is there a nice way of asking her to stop considering we are in the same circle of friends?

Well, you could text/email her and politely ask her to stop. If she’s a kind and reasonable human being, she’ll stop. If she’s petty, she’ll load up your queue with endless Kate Hudson and Katherine Heigl rom-coms. DIABOLICAL!

Maybe I’m under-thinking this, but… can’t you just change your password? That will force her to re-log in on her computer, which she won’t be able to do.

I guess if your Netflix password is somehow to precious to change, try calling Netflix’s help line. You can explain the situation and identify which movies/shows she’s watched, which, I assume, would be sufficient information for an administrator to block that IP or sign out that particular computer. Or maybe they’ll just say, “change your password, dummy.”

Also one of my friends wants to have out ff draft before the actual draft to “add risk and make the actual draft more interesting.” Please explain how shitty an idea this is to him.
-Sam Jacinto

What a colossally moronic idea. I hate that people feel the need to take something sufficiently enjoyable for a large group of people and make an unnecessary tweak to make it more “interesting.” Putting on a blindfold before climbing up Half Dome will make the ascent more interesting, but that doesn’t make it an intelligent idea.

I don’t know what kind of braindead child needs this list, but here’s why you have your fantasy after the NFL Draft (and, ideally, as close to the start of the season as possible):

• A rookie’s value changes depending on which team drafts him. 
• Training camp and preseason produce several season-ending injuries.
• Unexpected youngsters win job, veterans get cut.
• Players get suspended.

If it was up to your friend, somebody in your league would have drafted Aaron Hernandez in the 5th or 6th round last year. I suppose, technically, that’s more “interesting” than drafting in August and knowing a star tight end is in jail on murder charges, in the same way that glory holes are more “interesting” than sex with someone you’ve met and have confirmed is the gender you’re attracted to.

Anyway, my point is, I hate your friend.

*********

Dear KSK:
Lady Issues: We (29M 24F) lived together for 2 years (dated for 3) was planning on proposing within the next year. She broke it off about a year ago. I was in a bad place working long hours at a wall street job I hated and I basically imploded on myself, turned inward and did not go to her for support. I understand now and forgive her for why she made that choice (asking for help/good communication is not a sign of weakness etc…)

She left for another city that summer for an internship and started dating someone there right away. I followed and highly recommend the KSK Definitive Post-Breakup Guide[1] and was doing very well. I made some major life changes including ditching the job, traveling the world and learning how to be happy on my own.

Flash forward to the end of the summer internship and she is back in the same city. She had broken it off with the other guy and told me she was just using that relationship to try to get over me. We talked and went to the park/dinner together several times. I did my best to show her that I had made big changes in my life and that she would never have to be the sole source of happiness in our lives. I apologized and told her I understood why she broke it off.

By Thanksgiving she told me she wanted to give us another chance. I agreed that I still had unrealized huge feelings towards her and subsequently broke things off with another girl I had been casually seeing. But she wanted to wait until after the holidays because of her exams and she had huge anxiety about reintroducing us as a couple to our friends and family (we are both from the same hometown as well).

Mid-January rolls around and she pulls a complete 180 with no explanation or discussion. She no longer wants to give it another shot. I was basically devastated all over again and broke off contact ala the KSK advice until I foolishly asked her out to lunch on Valentines day. She said it would be inappropriate and I jokingly replied “what are you seeing someone?” She was, cue fork in the heart.

This is the whole point of NOT CONTACTING YOUR EX.

She is seeing one of her professors who is 37 and fat. She has refused to talk with me or offer me any explanations. The lack of closure here and false hope is killing me.

General advice is welcome as well as any insight as to what the hell happened here with that 180. I’ve already fired up the patented post break up guide.

Listen to me: your ex-girlfriend is DEAD. She wanted to wait until after the holidays to date you again, and then a drunk driver killed her on New Year’s Eve. Tragedy. You will never get closure or ever speak to her again. There’s no reason or “making sense of it.”

People needed death to be sensible. A reason for each casualty. I’d seen the same feeble theodicy at funerals in the civilian world. If lung disease, the deceased should be a smoker. If heart disease, a lover of red meat. Some sort of causality, no matter how tenuous, to sanitize it. As if mortality is a game with rules where the universe is rational and the God watching over maneuvers us like chess pieces, His fingers deep into the sides of the world. [Phil Klay, Redeployment]

Even if we drop the ruse for a second and admit that you’re dealing with merely an emotional gut-punch and not an actual death, the larger point remains the same: shit happens, and not always for a reason.

TL;DR GF of 3 years broke it off took some time away from us decided to give it another try and flaked. HALP!

TL;DR – stick to the rules of the break-up plan this time.

Fantasy Football advice: none needed as I was bashing peoples faces in Thailand for most of the past season so I submit to you an entire album of Fedor Shmidt favorites (because he is a god amongst us).
Best,
Hating Online Dating

(NOTE TO READERS: scroll down far enough and that link gets NSFW.)

I … wow. Those are some very fit women, some of whom have a generous budget for lingerie and shoes.

**********

Uffmeister,
I don’t really have a football question. Though I did just finish reading “Collision Low Crossers” by Nick Dawidoff. It was pretty good, and made me very happy that I’m not a football coach. Have you read it?

I have not. I typically don’t care much for sports books, even the ones that everyone agrees elevate, define, or surpass the genre. Because I read and write and talk about sports so much, spending my leisure time on MORE sports reading inevitably feels like homework. I’m mostly a fiction guy.

Relationships: I don’t want kids. My girlfriend does. We haven’t talked about it. I know that we need to. I’ve been on the fence for a while. I’m not really fond of kids, but I’ve always figured that I’d just accept it and have one someday. But now that I’m getting older, and more of my friends and family start to have children of their own, I’ve realized that it isn’t for me. The more time I spend with other people’s children, the less I want one of my own.

I admire that decision. It takes a particular strain of resolve and individualism to hit the manual override on your DNA programming and say, “The species is doing fine without me procreating, I’m just gonna keep spending my money on travel and good booze.” I wish I had an extra life to burn like that. Unfortunately, I want kids.

So, I need to talk to my girlfriend.

Yeah, probably.

That’s the hard part. She’s been very clear that she doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want kids. Which sucks, because I think we have a pretty good thing going. And I feel like it might come as a surprise to her. She knows I don’t like babies, but every time it comes up she just plays it off like some phase I’ll get over. I know this whole conversation is going to hurt her, and whenever I think about it I feel like a piece of shit. I know what I need to do, so I guess I’m just asking for some advice as to how to do it. I’m not naive enough to think that she’s just going to accept it and move on, there’s going to be some pain involved. But this is the first real long term relationship I’ve been in, so I don’t really know how to go about doing the talking. Any help?
-Hoping For a Graceful Exit

I hate to get all Occam’s Razory here, but if your girlfriend’s been “very clear that she doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want kids,” and you don’t want kids, what exactly are you doing with her, besides wasting her time?

You don’t need experience in a long-term relationship to have a difficult discussion about your future. It’s just like everything else that sucks in life: you take a deep breath and rip the Band-Aid off. This is adulthood: you pay your bills, you do your taxes, you pack your shit into boxes before you move, and sometimes, you look into the eyes of someone you care about and say, “We don’t have a future together.” And you apologize for feeling the way that you do, and you feel like shit, and you go on living knowing that not everyone on the planet has a sparkling opinion of you. C’est la motherfucking vie.

**********

Hey Cap,
Fantasy: I’m in a 12-team, fairly competitive PPR league in which our first runner-up (I was second) enjoys the casual and frequent use of racial slurs. I named my team ______ (his name) Cooper, then switched it to _____ Incognito about halfway through the season in his honor. Do you have any suggestions for team names next season to highlight this dude’s racist dickishness?

I’m guessing by the black man in your Google+ avatar that you’re black, which seems to me like a key piece of information here. I mean, the racist slurs are inexcusable in just about ANY context, but the ignorance and thoughtlessness to use them in your presence (even if it’s “just” e-presence) is unfathomable to me.

I suppose, in Cooper Incognito’s moronic brain, your digs at him via your team name weren’t messages of “Hey, stop it, asshole,” but rather the playful shit-giving that so many fantasy managers seem to enjoy. So eliminate any chance for confusion: at the next slur, say “HEY YOU RACIST FUCK, KNOCK IT OFF.” If your leaguemates don’t come to your side in this exchange, then your leaguemates are human garbage, and you’re better off in any of the millions of fantasy leagues where the members don’t use racial slurs.

Not-Sex: I graduated from college last May and now live in NYC, along with a large portion of my friends from school. One of them is rooming with an old friend from home, and it is not going well. Was it wrong of me to ask my friend’s roommate out knowing that they weren’t on the best of terms?
Yours,
Jammy Jammy-Jammy

HAIL NAW. Get yours.

**********

Dear Captain,
Football: Would you have any concerns about keeping Cam Newton for next season?

No.

I can keep him for one more season in my dynasty league at a fairly cheap price ($750 budget, most top-level QB’s go for $220+ in free agency, and I’ll have Cam at around $75 next year). I know that it’s still incredibly early, but between his recent ankle surgery and the lack of receivers on Carolina’s roster currently, I’m starting to think it’s less and less of a no-brainer.

Still a no-brainer. This year’s draft has a deep and talented WR class, so at least postpone this hand-wringing for another six weeks.

Sex: Well, not really. My girlfriend and I have talked about taking the next step in our relationship and getting engaged. When you proposed to your now wife, what level of planning did you put in to the actual proposal? Based off of my Facebook news feed over the past year, I feel like guys are going more and more out of their way to set up these elaborate proposals where they have the girl’s family/friends hiding off in the wings watching the whole thing so they can take pictures and video. That seems incredibly difficult to pull off without someone blowing the “secret” aspect of it. I just wanted to see if this is indeed the norm nowadays and I’m just being lazy about it, or if I would still be alright taking her somewhere sentimental and just doing it with the two of us present.
Thanks in advance for the advice,
Ray Rice’s Punching Bag

First, an all-caps NO. That is not the norm. Facebook is the public persona people WANT you to see, which means it’s a forum designed to showcase the people DO create a Rube Goldberg machine of friends and photographers to show off to the world what amazingly romantic, perfect people they are. You ever notice how you only see close-up photos of the engagement ring when it’s a 2.5-carat beast in a Tiffany’s box? That’s because no one’s showing off the simple-but-effective ring passed down from their grandmother.

Personally, I think going someplace sentimental and relatively private makes it MORE special now that goddam everything is on social media, but I have a friend who SWEARS it’s a great idea to hire a photographer to capture the moment. Do what feels right.

Of course, you’re getting this from someone who proposed to his now-wife in front of their friends at his birthday party. I like to think it was a noble effort, but my wife was hoping for something more like a choreographed group dance in front of the Flatiron Building set to Hall & Oates’ “You Make My Dreams Come True.” So take it from me: try to see if she has anything specific in mind. It’s worth sacrificing some of the surprise if it means getting a little closer to what she envisions. Not that I was going to organize a group dance in front of the Flatiron, but I could have at least walked into traffic with a boombox, you know?

Hello friends. Apologies for the slightly-later-than-usual mailbag. My Wednesday night preparation was thrown off by the USA and Mexico playing a soccer game that started AFTER 11:00 p.m. on the East Coast. That perverse scheduling set off a series of dominoes in my life, the largest of which was “being hung over all day.”

Fortunately for you and me, a li’l hangover has never stopped me from writing TOP-TIER, SUPER-PREMIUM life advice. Let’s do this!

Hola Cap’n,
I know you hate baseball,

I don’t hate baseball at all. Baseball is fine, and I enjoy going to games occasionally. I don’t care for baseball supremacists or people who live-tweet the game they’re watching, but these are complaints about people, not the sport. Baseball as it is is a charming and endless endeavor. It is America’s cricket.

so I’ll ask a fantasy question: two keepers, standard 12 team league, lose the round you drafted the keeper in.

- Stafford (and hope he puts up video game numbers with now a #2 WR) for an 8th
– Megatron for a 1st
– Jimmy “Don’t Bend My Goalposts” Graham for a 3rd

People will yell and throw rotten vegetables at me for this, but I’d go with Stafford and Graham. While I happily admit the awesomeness of Calvin Johnson, he’s appropriately valued as a first-rounder — and if you end up with the first or second overall pick, he’s probably not the guy you’d want to use that pick on. Meanwhile, Jimmy Graham is typically gone by the second round, and Stafford is an excellent fantasy QB for an 8th-rounder. GO WITH VALUE, says I.

On to (too long and complicated) relationship stuff.

Obligatory background info: I’m 27, have Bachelors and a Masters degrees, and have a stable job that pays me to be solidly in the middle class. I was married at 21, divorced by 24, and have dated girls since.

The lesson: do not make important life decisions at age 21.

All of those girls were objectively pretty, so I know that I’m not ugly, but I’m not gonna model anytime soon either. Problem is, I have zero (and I do mean goose egg) amount of self confidence. This stems from childhood sexual abuse issues, and I’ve seen a therapist about these, but they still stick with every single day. Sometimes they take the form of flashbacks (as a military man, I’m almost positive you know these suck), anxiety attacks, and the aforementioned utter lack of self confidence. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, if I actually like a girl for more than wanting to hookup, I can’t pull the trigger to simply ask her to drinks or dinner.

I’ve been on the Ufford Approved Post Up Plan, even though there isn’t a breakup, and I just moved to a new city, so I’m actively trying to get involved in things that interest me in the community. I’ve really tried to work hard on not having a negative outlook on things, but my past (sexual abuse, had two miscarriages while married, divorce, etc) is really having an effect on how I perceive woman and relationships (or lack thereof). This is why things like Tinder are good, since I objectively know (for lack of a better word) that certain girls want to be flirted with/asked out/whatever else.

Going to my therapist was the best choice I ever made, and I could not stump harder for people to go and see one for any issues. But I still can’t manage to go up to a girl I like, with confidence, and ask her out for a drink. Any suggestions?

As a reward, Anna Kendrick is going to be on SNL, and she was already in GQ. Because she’s basically perfect.
Signed,
First Time Caller, Long Time Listener

First of all: Anna Kendrick is a national treasure, and her DNA should be harvested so that future generations can clone her and appreciate her mix of talent, humor, and approachable sexiness.

As for your self-confidence issues, I won’t tread on your therapist’s territory, and I applaud your decision to get professional help for an awful thing that should happen to no child. This mailbag is a nice community for us to talk about shit, but we can’t compare to actual, professional help. So, good on you.

I will say this, though: having anxiety about approaching an attractive stranger is just about the most normal thing ever. The only solution for it that I’ve ever known is to genuinely not give a shit about the outcome of the interaction. Think about everything you’ve survived — “sexual abuse, had two miscarriages while married, divorce, etc” — and ask yourself: what do YOU care about one person saying no to hanging out with you? You’ve been through the SHIT, what’s a little rejection?

Oh, and that person you can’t just walk up to and ask out? She’s not some flawless goddess. She’s just a normal person who’s self-conscious about the weird mole on her back, or her teeth, or her belly button. Do you like the way she wears her hair? It’s to hide her ears, which she thinks stick out too far. Maybe she’s got an annoying laugh. Maybe she doesn’t like “Game of Thrones.” Maybe she’s a complete bore (this tends to be the case with very attractive people).

Here’s an anecdote (and one I’ve probably told before). Years ago, I saw a cute girl at Penn Station. We were obviously waiting for the same train, which was delayed 10 minutes, then 20, then an hour and 15. I said, “Hey I’m gonna get a drink while I wait, you wanna join me?” And she was hesitant, so I was like, “If you’d rather sit on your luggage for the next hour, suit yourself.” Because fuck her. I’m happy enough with who I am that I can get a drink by myself, you know? Anyway, she joined me for a drink, we started dating, and now she lives on in all my stories that include the words “the worst person I ever dated” and “just an awful human being.”

Anyway, the point of the story is we’re all just sentient meatsacks whose pointless lives don’t even last a cosmic eye blink. No human is too intimidating for conversation.

**********

Dear KSK,
I’m getting married in a few months and lately I keep having dreams where I’m having sex with a girl who is not my future wife. I never had these dreams until recently and now they’re happening at least twice a week. The girl is usually someone different from dream to dream. Sometimes it’ll be one of my exes and other times someone I don’t recognize. In my dream, I’m always fully aware that I’m cheating on my fiancee and I always feel guilty. I don’t read into dreams, so I’m not worried about actually cheating, and I don’t feel guilty in real life. I’m just wondering if this is unique or if you and the readers have had recurring dreams like this leading up to a wedding as well?
-Fart Stupidton

That’s a good question, Fart, and now seems like a good time to remind readers that I make up fake names for submissions that aren’t signed.

Anyway, it’s totally normal. You’re normal. The whole point of sex dreams is having sex with people you can’t have sex with. Like, why would you have a sex dream about your fiancée? SHE’S LAYING RIGHT THERE. You can have actual sex with her whenever she wants.

Fun aside: I once dated someone who got mad at for something I did in her dream. Allow me to repeat that: her unconscious self concocted a version of me that did something wrong, then she woke up and was mad at me for a construct in her brain. This was the Penn Station girl. Never pick up strangers.

**********

Hey Captain (no time for nicknames, I’m terribly busy),
Relationship shit first, and I’ll do my best to keep it succinct. Last year, I dated a girl (we’ll call her “Girl 1″ because creating an alias for an already-anonymous story is idiotic)

I agree! Why give people human names when we can label them with numbers? It’s such a pointless part of storytelling, which is why my favorite characters in Top Gun are Pilot 2 and Navigator 1.

who broke things off because she wasn’t over an ex. We remained friends and occasionally hung out, though I was always loath to take another shot because I kinda didn’t buy her reason for ending things- I just assumed she wasn’t as into me as she’d originally thought and wanted to bow out gracefully. Whatever, shit happens.

Fast forward to a few months ago and I have a new girlfriend (henceforth known as “Girl 2″.) Everything was going fine- we got along well, she was great company, all that jazz. Then, last month, my brother died.

He had been dealing with heart issues (he was 32 and in phenomenal shape) but he was feeling much better and was optimistic about his recovery when we last spoke, so naturally it came as a huge and awful shock. While I was out in San Francisco with my family taking care of his affairs, I noticed that Girl 2 was really just getting on my nerves (pro tip: sending constant “How are you?” texts and GIFs to “make you smile” to someone in the middle of a massive life event who clearly needs some time and space isn’t a good idea.)

Oh God, that’s awful. How old is she? Twelve?

Meanwhile, Girl 1 was amazing: incredibly supportive, very patient and very understanding- she’d gone through the same thing with her sister when she was younger, so she has a much better grasp of what it’s like.

Why is everyone’s sibling dying young? It’s like you’re writing from Downton Abbey.

By the time I got back to New York, I was fed up with Girl 2 and broke things off, telling her that I couldn’t be in a relationship with anyone, which was true when I said it; HOWEVER, Girl 1 had me over for dinner the next night, we hung out more after that, one thing led to another, and we’re dating again. She’s been amazing throughout all this- I honestly have no idea how I’d be getting through this without her, and I’m extremely happy that we’re back together. Girl 2 and I haven’t talked much since the breakup, but she’s under the impression that A) I’m still single (I’ve done nothing to disabuse her of that notion since I didn’t want to look like I dumped her for my ex- I guess I made my bed on that one) and B) We’ll be resuming our relationship once I’m feeling ready to do so.

My question is twofold: since Girl 2 and I only dated briefly, am I obligated to tell her that I’ve found someone new and don’t want to date her again? And if so, how do you suggest doing it?
Thanks for the help,
Herb

You are under no such obligation. If you broke it off with her and have drifted out of touch, then she can figure things out from the standard social media stalking that every human now does.

If you’ve been texting her, do so less often and more tersely; you don’t need to say “I’m dating someone else” unless she asks you to hang out. Otherwise, initiating that conversation out of the blue might feel like you’re rubbing it in. “What’s up? Still single? NOT ME!”

Also: I am terribly sorry to hear about your brother. I will not share a GIF to make you smile at this time.

Those are solely for me to enjoy.

**********

Caveman,
Fantasy First: I’ve been in a league with mostly the same core group of friends since the beginning of high school with a few of the spots rotating. Through college, we could always meet up back home before school started back up for a live draft and designate someone as the money guy and pay the winner on Christmas Break. Most of us graduated last spring though and are spread out throughout the country. We still did the league last year, but no money got exchanged due to this geographical issue and as a result things weren’t taken as seriously. Is there most efficient system for long-distance leagues to handle finances and make sure they are handled in an organized and timely manner?

Yeah, it’s called PayPal.

Sex: Just started law school in the fall and still figuring out how dating works within such a small community after getting used being a small fish in a big pond in undergrad. But I asked a girl out at the beginning of this semester and she turned me down and essentially said I was great and she knew she would have fun going out with me, but she was going through too many personal issues with school stress to get involved romantically with anyone (she also implied a bad breakup from last summer).

In undergrad, I had some success with girls but dealt more often than not dealt with rejection and developed a good perspective on it in that there is no point in getting hung up on someone who isn’t into you as there usually isn’t much you can do to change that. However, past rejections for me have usually just been straight “no’s”, “let’s be friends”, or girls leading me on because they like the attention without any intention of taking me seriously. Like I said, not much you can do to change their minds and you need to move on when those things happen. But I never had a, “It’s not you, it’s my issues right now” response before.

Is that just a response nice girls give to guys to make them feel better about getting turned down, or is it common for a girl to tell that to a guy she would go out with under better circumstances? If it’s the former, I wouldn’t have a problem getting past this girl. If it’s the latter, then I might try one more time with her in the fall as I do genuinely like her.
Thanks,
An overworked and undersexed law student

Ordinarily, I’d be pretty resolute in believing that she was merely giving a softer edge to your rejection. In most cases, “I’m going through some personal issues and can’t get involved with anyone” means “I will never be attracted to you. Your mere physical presence turns my stomach, and I’d rather listen to Ugly Kid Joe’s cover of “Cats in the Cradle” on repeat for six hours than hear your voice.” (Loose translation.)

I’m willing to admit, though, that law school is a weird environment populated by people with terrible judgment. I’ve encountered some law school weirdos who were like, “I can’t try to have sex with someone, I have to read up on tax law” — particularly during that brutal first year.

So why not? Ask her out again, and if she says she doesn’t want to get involved with anyone romantically, say, “Perfect! I’m just looking for something sexual.”

My wife and I have a fairly large one-bedroom apartment by New York City standards. Which is to say: we have what realtors claim is a two-bedroom apartment with a freakishly small kitchen, no dishwasher, and no laundry in the building. We will occasionally host another couple for a meal, and for sporting events we can seat six, maybe seven people (including ourselves).

We rarely have overnight guests crash on our couch, and when we do, that person — always person, singular — stays for only one night. Anything more is madness. Small apartments already make co-habitation tough; there’s no need to add to the degree of difficulty, as you’ll see in the first letter in this week’s mailbag. (If you have a question for next week’s ‘bag, hit us up here.)

Let’s dive in!

Dear KSK,
I love my girlfriend, I really do, but living with her makes me insane. Before signing the lease we had agreed that weeknights are sacred and, barring a drunk friend needing a non-jail bed to sleep in that our small, 1 bedroom apartment was fine for us but not a great place to have people come visit. Weekends are one thing but there is no way to be there on a week night without changing my routine and being in the way – and I love her friends so I’m not just a jerk trying to get out of seeing them.

Cut to last month when I find out her friend is coming to town for a job interview. She’s being flown in by the company but “has to” stay with us Sunday – Tuesday even though I had one of the biggest meetings of my career that Wednesday. I was annoyed but whatever, things happen and I want her to be happy. Now, I find out another good friend is coming here to start a business but is still couching it with us from EASTER SUNDAY through that Thursday even though, IMO if she has the money for a business then she should be able to afford a hotel.

IMO you’ve never started a business. Don’t get me wrong: four days of a couch-surfer in your tiny space is too long, but let’s go easy on the judgment. Maybe save that ire for the girlfriend who’s ignoring the agreement you made.

I know this seems selfish but I need my space and routine on work nights which I don’t feel like I can do in our 1 bedroom apartment. I’m already annoyed about this and now I find out that her Mom is coming to stay with us in a few months and will be staying on the couch.

“Oh, your mom’s staying on the couch during her visit? Cool, I’m looking forward to not having sex with you during her entire stay.”

I’m 30 and don’t want to be a baby here but I feel like my apartment is becoming a hotel. We don’t have room to accommodate people staying here without it affecting me. Is this unreasonable? Am I a jerk for asking for a little extra rent money ($50 at most) from her those months that I can’t even be comfortable in my own home when this was a conversation we had and established we’d do the exact opposite before ever signing a lease?

If you’re 30 and don’t want to be a baby, then start talking to your girlfriend like an adult. This whole thing wouldn’t have happened if YOU had just put on your big-boy pants and given your girlfriend a polite but firm “no” to either of the first two houseguests.

There’s two things at work here. One is that you’re completely in the right. The other is that you’re being an asshole. Fifty dollars from your girlfriend for a houseguest? How is THAT the first solution that pops into your head instead of, say, REMINDING YOUR GIRLFRIEND ABOUT THE AGREEMENT?

As I’ve stated many times before in the mailbag, probably the  important aspect of living with the person you’re dating — and likely the most difficult, as well — is open communication (and patience during the subsequent dispute resolution). So I’d suggest sitting down with your lady and saying, “Hey, remember when we said we wouldn’t have houseguests during the week?” From there, you can discuss how it disrupts your work week by making you feel uncomfortable in your own home, and — if your girlfriend doesn’t see the problem — you can explain how this hurts your feelings because she’s ignoring something that bothers you in order to prioritize her friends. (COHABITATION PRO TIP FOR MEN: talk calmly about your feelings. They don’t have to be rational — they’re feelings, not doctorate theses. Bonus: women tend to operate on those wavelengths.)

Anyway, give that a shot before demanding more rent money, ass.

Fantasy: I’m not sure what to do about Tom Brady. Obviously last year was a really down year fantasy-wise while you could argue he did more with what he had than anyone else in the league. Getting to the AFC title game with that roster is insane to me. Having said that, I think he could be a huge sleeper next year and be had in the round 5-7 range. Do you think last year was a blip on the radar as he was adjusting to new people and playing without Gronk or do you think his days as a high-end fantasy QB are over?
-Overlook Hotel Front Desk

According to FFToday, Brady was the 14th-best fantasy quarterback in 2013 (4300 yards, 25/11 TD to INT ratio, essentially worthless rushing the ball). Much of this, of course, was a result of Brady losing all of his best receiving targets, and the Pats offense certainly clicked better when Gronkowski played. Whatever Brady’s real-world football accomplishments were in 2013, he was definitely a fantasy disappointment.

So, what does that auger for 2014? As in 2013, it will depend on his receivers. Frankly, I think that Gronkowski’s injury history is extensive enough that at this point I no longer expect him to play more 10 games, and I’d extend that ballpark estimate for Danny Amendola. Julian Edelman has been re-signed, and the Pats added Brandon LaFell in free agency, which is hardly something to get excited about given the swaths of disappointment he laid in Carolina. That leaves the receiver-deep draft; if Belichick uses the Pats’ top pick on a much-needed threat at WR (or even tight end — Eric Ebron will be gone by the time the Pats pick at 29, but Austin Sefarian-Jenkins in the second round would be a nice windfall), then I’d feel a little better about Brady’s fantasy prospects.

As it is, I’d only target him as a backup quarterback (if at all), and not before the 7th round.

**********

O Captain–
My fantasy question first: After several years in a league with high-school friends, I’m considering dropping out this year. I find it negatively impacts my enjoyment of games I’d rather just watch as a neutral party, and I’d free up a little more leisure time too. Reasonable enough, perhaps, but I also think about losing touch with my friends, and I wonder if I should just curb my competitive nature and get over myself. Which side of me is right?

Let’s pretend you all your friends got together every Saturday to smoke a shitload of weed. Just a full day of bongs rips and ordering pizza and listening to the Flaming Lips and having, like, deep conversations about the universe. Like, have you seen COSMOS, man? That shit will BLOW. YOUR. MIND. Nobody’s a burnout and it doesn’t affect anyone’s job; it’s just one day a week where everyone’s getting high. You and your friends have done this since college, and you used to enjoy it. But lately you’ve found growing more paranoid than relaxed. You catch yourself looking at the sunlight leaking through the drawn curtains and wishing you were outside, DOING something.

So do you keep wasting your Saturdays getting high and not enjoying it so you can maintain your friendships? Or do you go outside, live your life, and try to find other venues to hang out with your friends?

Fantasy football isn’t the only way to stay in touch with other human beings. Drop out of the league and enjoy the NFL the way you want to. You may not get certain inside jokes, and it’ll take effort to maintain friendships via email and texts instead of intraleague trash talk, but it can be done.

As for sex… about six months ago, I ended a multi-year relationship; it was one of those cases of not wanting to let go of it too soon and letting it go way too late as a result. Call it naivete; it was the first serious relationship for both of us. The sex was pretty vanilla, as communication wasn’t our strong suit, and prior to that, sex was always very infrequent for me. Thus, my breadth of sexual experience is really not high for a guy pushing 30.

It took a while, but lately I’ve finally been getting better at enjoying life more and saying yes to more things. A few weeks ago, I was introduced to a very sexy woman who was also coming off a long relationship, and we both knew that we weren’t seeking anything serious. Our first night together, I had a bout of ED, which seems to happen to me after a long drought. Though neither of us got off, we still enjoyed ourselves and it seemed like things would be all right next time.

Since then, we’ve spent two more nights together, and both times, all that’s happened sexually is that I’ve attempted oral on her, and both times she eventually had me stop because she wasn’t getting there. 

No reciprocation? Bad form on her part. (Or was it due to your bad form? Hmmm.)

On the most recent occasion, I was quite down on myself afterwards,

I mean, someone had to do it, right?

and we talked a little bit. I think she likes me generally, and she says we can keep trying, but she also noted that some people just don’t work together. I get the impression that she’s skeptical and losing patience with me. I’m very willing to listen and learn how to get her off, and I told her that, but I can’t shake the question of why, given what she’s looking for right now, she would bother with me when she can just find a guy who knows what he’s doing.

You’re in a tough spot — sexual satisfaction is a two-way street, and right now she’s the only one with a car. And she’s driving down the center of the street, taking up both lanes, and not using her turn signal at intersections. This metaphor is getting out of hand.

Anyway, I have no way of knowing what’s going on. Like, sure, MAYBE you suck at cunnilingus. Maybe the way you learned is great but doesn’t work for her. Maybe she doesn’t get off with people until she feels more of a connection. Maybe she doesn’t want to give instructions because other guys she’s dated haven’t needed them. Maybe she kind of sucks for not reciprocating. Maybe SHE’S the one who’s bad at sex (“very sexy” people often are).

And yeah, in case you haven’t figured it out, I’ve always struggled with low confidence and self-esteem, particularly with women. I’m working on it, including in therapy, and it’s gotten a little better, but it’s a pretty big hole and I’m far from out of it at this point. Fumbling this situation certainly wouldn’t help things, to say nothing of the sexual frustration.

So do I redouble my efforts to improve my prowess and to communicate with her and hope she’s receptive? Or do I stop embarrassing myself, cut my losses, accept that maybe I’m not the type of guy who does well in this sort of situation, and focus on the more traditional dating route with new women?
With sincere thanks,
Eqqsquizitine Buble-Schwinslow

If you like her and she wants to keep trying to make it work, why not? Take a deep breath, relax, and look at the bigger picture: you’re wringing your hands over someone who’s willing to get naked with you. You’re a good dude, and she can tell — that’s why she’s sticking with it despite the lack of fireworks. I’d say the problem is 90% in your head. Stop feeling pressured to get her off, and start enjoying the beautiful expanse of a woman’s naked body. Take your time with things. Relax.

And if nothing comes of it (please savor the accidental play on words there), then who cares? So you went on some dates and things didn’t work out. Welcome to THE MOST COMMON DATING EXPERIENCE POSSIBLE. At the end of the day, she went from “complete stranger” to “naked body in front of you” in the course of one night. That’s reason for confidence, and you should have more of it.

**********

Hey Matt,
Who are your top 5 RB’s for next year, and where would Chris Johnson make the best fantasy impact?

Good question! I pushed hard for Jamaal Charles and LeSean McCoy before the season last year, which suggests I know what I’m talking about in this regard. There’s still a lot to determine in the draft — not just in terms of rookie running backs you might draft, but in how offenses can be built up. Example: you may love Knowshon Moreno from last year, but I’d want to see the Dolphins improve their O-line before I recommend him as a fantasy option. With the caveat that I’ll change this list after the draft and then again during training camp/preseason, here are my top 5:

1. LeSean McCoy
2. Matt Forte
3. Jamaal Charles
4. Eddie Lacy
5. Adrian Peterson

I think Marshawn Lynch’s workload will be lessened to maintain his health, and I could see huge steps up in production from Gio Bernard and Zac Stacy.

There’s been a debate going on between my friends and I since we discovered a girl two years behind us started doing porn. I can’t provide proof that I know her, but this is her. She goes by the stage name [REDACTED].

Sorry, but given the blowback on the recent outing of the Duke student who does porn, I’ve redacted her name and pixelated her face.

So, as to the debate: some of my friends feel squeamish about blowing their load to a girl they knew once. I disagree. It actually kind of makes it hotter to me. I was hoping for your thoughts. Also, you’re unapologetic opinion of what she looks like.
Thanks,
Cooter Shooter

Hypothetically, if you masturbated to a classmate from high school or college, and then that classmate participated in a video specifically made to help you masturbate, that’s an extraordinarily convenient aide for your sexual gratification. And even if you DIDN’T previously fantasize about her, what’s the hang-up? “Sorry, I can’t get off to Sasha Grey. She was in my history class.”

Anyway, your maybe-acquaintance from school isn’t what I’d select from a porn database, but that doesn’t mean she’s unattractive. Sorry, I prefer not to bad-mouth the looks of naked women. Unless it’s Lena Dunham. Ugh, I can’t stand her.

Getty Image

Early in the KSK sexbag’s existence, readers seemed to only have one interest: convincing their love interest to try anal, to the point that everyone who read it was like, “ENOUGH WITH THE ANAL.” And while I hope that doesn’t return as a weekly staple, I’m pleased that today’s anal question at least has a different angle.

But let’s talk about MY gaping hole. I had a wisdom tooth pulled yesterday, and now I’ve got collagen packed into the crevasse, which the dentist secured with a couple of sutures. It was my third trip to the dentist in about three weeks, and now all I can think about is how much money you could make if you started a dental practice in which the patients couldn’t hear the sounds happening in their mouth. Like, I don’t mind the needles or blood, but the crunching and scraping makes my palms sweat. I would pay five times as much money to go the SILENT DENTIST.

None of this has anything to do with the mailbag. Sorry. Let’s get to your questions.

Heya Cap,
Fantasy: I don’t have a question. As recompense I offer a picture of Ann Margaret being a saucy minx.

Finally, a reader who gets me.

Sex: My boyfriend and I have been together 6 months and everything’s going great: he’s a caring, gentle, incredibly smart man going after his Masters and then his PhD while working full time in a super stressful job. We’re on the same page on almost everything – family, life plan, sense of humor, and the sex is through the roof. About three weeks ago I came home to find he’d downed a bottle of wine and a 6-pack in the 2 hours I was gone. This was 2 days after I’d come home to find a 6-pack in the trash where there hadn’t been a 6-pack in the house at all earlier in the day. This led to a meltdown on his part, telling me through tears that he had a drinking problem and it was getting away from him. I did what any understanding person would, I helped him get rid of the booze in the house, and I abstain from drinking as well.

“Everything’s going great, except for his drinking problem.”

Remember how I said our sex is through the roof? We have a ton of fun in bed but we both want more anal. My problem is I can’t do it unless I’m a little tipsy, which wouldn’t exactly be considerate of my darling alcoholic boyfriend. We use beads and plugs already but that’s more for my pleasure than his, and I feel bad that he’s being denied something he likes to do because I need a little help relaxing.

Technically, he’s being denied something he likes to do because you’re being compassionate about his alcoholism.

Any advice on how to have anal with my alcoholic boyfriend when I need a few drinks to do it?
Signed,
I needs a drink

First of all, I need to take a moment to applaud your fast-twitch emotions; the change in direction from “I just discovered my boyfriend’s drinking problem” to “How can I give him more anal?” was a crossover that sent me flying out of frame.

If you need alcohol to physically relax for anal, then I’d guess most other relaxants would work, too: pot, Xanax, whatever happens to be your drug of choice. And of course, you can always move up a size in your plugs and beads, working your way up to something more dick-sized.

I would, however, venture that this anal question brushes over the larger problem. Alcoholism tends to be a lifelong battle requiring peer support, not something solved merely by getting rid of the booze in the house while no one around the drunk tipples. If your boyfriend broke down while admitting he has a problem, it’s a bigger problem than you alone can solve. He should seek professional treatment, so that you can confidently have a glass of guilt-free wine and give him the anal you both enjoy so much.

**********

Dearest Mr. Ufford,
How are you on this fine post-tax-season day? I hope that this mailbag inquiry has found you quite well indeed.

I’m fine, thank you.

I am in a standard-format, standard-scoring, vanilla-by-all-accounts ESPN league, except that there are two keepers. And I had Megatron, Shady McCoy, and Josh Gordon. I’m at a complete and utter loss at which two to take. Any thoughts?

No cost relevant to which round you drafted them? That IS vanilla.

I’d recommend Shady as the must-keep, as an electric RB in Chip Kelly’s offense will continue to perform at a high level (barring injury, of course).  As for Gordon/Megatron, it depends on your inclinations — and also when you have to declare keepers. If the Browns draft a competent QB who meshes well with Gordon, I’d probably lean towards him over Johnson. Yes, yes: I know Megatron is an unstoppable football god, but Gordon’s six years younger and put out a Megatron-like season with a rotation of awful quarterbacks. Pending some very easy football decisions in the Cleveland front office (NOT a gimme, unfortunately), Gordon’s the better keeper over the long term.

Pertaining to the sexy side of things, I’m in a situation. The backstory: I’m a college student, and last semester I had a huge thing for a girl who has a shitty past with men. Knowing this, I was trying to slowly approach something with her, and it had gotten to a point where we were speaking constantly and very flirtatiously, and she had told a mutual close friend (who tells me everything) that she had feelings for me. But, before I could make a move she abruptly stopped speaking to me and began ignoring me completely, and shortly after started again seeing her ex-boyfriend who had previously cheated on her.

I was at the time unaware that she had started seeing him again, and would have been shocked to hear it, quite frankly. Anyway, months later and during winter break, she started speaking to me again out of the blue, which I quite weakly welcomed. Turned out she had been mistreated by him again when she started messaging me, and I stopped speaking to her when I found out about the whole situation. She obviously can’t get over this guy, whom she’s still with even though he’s cheated on her again even since I stopped speaking to her, and she wanted to jerk me around as a backup option when he was being a dick.

Hold on, lemme just break out my “email from a college guy” checklist…

☑dickhead boyfriend

☑girl who can’t stop loving him

☑nice guy she won’t date

Yep, your story checks out.

The above probably sounds like something I shouldn’t allow myself to get too upset about. Well, I didn’t – I just think she’s a disingenuous bitch.

I mean, she’s what, 19? 20? It’s not like she’s TRYING to be a bitch. She just hasn’t cycled through the range of adult romantic emotions enough to know that she doesn’t need her boyfriend or that she’s hurting you by leading you on. Same thing with that “asshole” boyfriend — he’ll probably grow into a decent human adult once he stops making out with drunk freshmen girls.

College students are powered by the dangerous twin engines of hormones and inexperience. Even those who don’t crash spectacularly end up burning a lot of people.

Anyways, it didn’t take long for me to get over her and to find a girl I think is far worthier of my time. I took an interest in a person I’ll refer to as Jess, someone I legitimately deem to be among the coolest girls I’ve ever met. We started hooking up for a few weeks, and then started dating, because college. We’ve been dating a month and a half, and I’m very happy about that.

The issue is that Jess and her roommates (who are some of my best friends on campus, going far back before she and I started dating) joined a student organization they’re now very serious about, the two top dogs of which are the girl I had a thing for (let’s call her Bitchface at this point) and her cheating boyfriend.

Stickin’ with the bitch thing, huh? Okay.

In the time I’ve been dating my girlfriend, she and her roommates have gotten very close to both of them through this organization. Also, none of them know what went on between Bitchface and me.

Probably because nothing did?

I haven’t said anything to Jess about Bitchface, because I thought it would be awkward to bring up while we’d just started dating. The organization they’re all in is a co-ed fraternity,

“It’s like a regular fraternity, but with more fucking.”

and two of Jess’s roommates (two of my best friends) recently became the respective “littles” of Bitchface and her boyfriend. Which is some forced frat thing that basically just means they are going to be heavily involved with our lives. This past week, when my group of friends has been hanging out, we’ve been joined by them on multiple occasions.

My question is: do I tell Jess about my past with Bitchface, and if so, how do I approach that? It’s an odd story to tell, for my original reasoning and because I don’t want her to be made uncomfortable; due to Jess’s and her roommates’ connection with the organization, Bitchface and Co. are here to stay. However, the continued presence of Bitchface makes me really feel like I’m keeping something from Jess, and I feel that it could be quite bad if she hears about it elsewhere before hearing about it from me. What do you think?

Thanks for any input you might have, and I’m sorry it was so long (I usually don’t apologize when saying that).
Best,
Joseph

I’d say the odds are pretty good that Jess’s roommates — however close they are to you — have already gossiped to Jess about whatever connection you may have had with Bitchface. And not only have the roommates shared everything they know about you to Jess, but Jess has probably already blabbed to them about the contours of your penis and whether you’re any good at oral sex. I mean, they’re female roommates who all joined a co-ed fraternity together. What else would you expect?

Still, your past crush on Bitchface is a harmless enough piece of ephemera. If it’s weighing on you, by all means, share it with Jess. Just don’t go too overboard in slamming Bitchface — that will come back to haunt you if and  when you and Jess break up. Stick to the basics: “… I broke off communication because I wanted to put my emotional energy into someone who cared about me — and then I found you.”

**********

Dear Caveman,
Football (soccer): With the friendly struggle against Mexico, the seemingly decreased playing time for any of our Euro players, and the coaching staff turmoil, what should I, as a USMNT fan, be most concerned about 2 months before the World Cup?

DISCLAIMER: I opened up the mailbag to topics besides sex and fantasy football a few months back, so I’m going  to field this soccer question. If you’re opposed to that, just skip down to the next bold section.

I wouldn’t stress too much about any one friendly, particularly one in which Michael Bradley looked so brilliant at the offensive tip of a midfield diamond. Bradley, of course, is one of several U.S. internationals who’ve chosen leading a team in MLS over fighting for playing time in Europe, and thus far he’s looked like the best player in the league.

Also in the argument: Clint Dempsey, who leads the league in goals despite serving a two-game suspension for nut-punching an opponent. He’s scored five goals in the last two games (both away), with three of those in the final five minutes to salvage four points from what looked like two losses. Regardless of where you fall in the MLS versus Europe debate for developing American talent, it’s great to see the team’s best players in top form going into this summer.

As for the players in Europe, I think it’s a wash. I certainly had higher hopes for Jozy Altidore at Sunderland this year, but Aron Johansson’s been excellent for AZ. Jermaine Jones has been declining for a while, and I don’t think additional playing time in the Bundesliga would have changed that. A year after many called for Brad Guzan to replace Tim Howard, Timmy elevated his game and has helped Everton flirt with a Champions League berth.

The coaching staff changes: I’m not too concerned about Martin Vazquez’s demotion; since he’s a Klinsmann acolyte (and not an American or a Bob Bradley holdover), I wouldn’t presume that it would affect the players much. The promotion of U-20 coach Tab Ramos reflects Klinsmann’s focus on developing younger talent, and Berti Vogts has managed Azerbaijan against Portugal — the U.S.’s second opponent in Brazil — twice in the last 18 months.

So, that’s the good news. The bad news is that our back line is thin as shit. Brad Evans, a midfielder who looked like a starter at right back, suffered a calf injury that’s kept him out of the last several matches. DaMarcus Beasley — also a natural midfielder — is old as shit and playing at left back. Centerbacks Matt Besler and Omar Gonzalez seemed to provide some quality, but Gonzalez looked terrible in the second half of the friendly against Mexico. That’s the best-case scenario; the guys behind them on the depth chart are glaring holes that Ghana, Portugal, and Germany will happily exploit.

But I don’t want to be the doomsday prognosticator. The U.S. has an enviable midfield, solid attacking players, and a world-class goalkeeper in Howard (plus another one behind him on the bench). The draw was a stomp in the balls, but as Spencer Hall wrote in December, that was just act one of the underdog movie. And there’s fun to be had in believing in an underdog.

Okay, back to football and sex.

FF: Please talk me out of taking Matt Stafford before the 3rd round in our standard, no-keepers league. He’s not going to have enough accuracy or weapons to exceed our expectations, right, even if the Lions draft Watkins or Evans?

Actually, I think the Lions already have an excellent second receiving option — finally — in Golden Tate. I think Stafford will have a great season (I see his ceiling as a top 3 fantasy QB), but his perceived value doesn’t warrant the early pick. I don’t think I’d go for him in the third round unless there was a run on quarterbacks and I was worried about not having a viable starter.

Other: My wife and I went to see Broken Bells in concert the other night. The band Au Revoir Simone opened for them. Video below for your context:

During Au Revoir Simone’s set, my wife leans over to me and asks, “You can think they’re cute, as long as you don’t think they’re beautiful.” I appeased her by saying something like, “My eyes are only for you.”

My question is this – is this standard-issue batshittery, or is this beyond the pale of what I should expect someone I love to say?
Thanks,
Guy Remaining Obstinate Under Pressure In Eardrums

Maybe your wife’s just making sure you have good taste. Those girls are cute, but they ain’t beautiful.

That said, any person on a stage performing with talent and confidence instantly becomes thirty to fifty times sexier, so I think we should all — as a society — accept our attraction to musicians, even the ones that aren’t THAT cute.

**********

Dear KSK,
Fantasy football – I don’t play it. I don’t want to have to root for players on teams I can’t stand. I’d rather spend my football Sundays rooting for my team that I know is always going to let me down in the end.

Cool start to the letter. “Hey, fuck what your readers like! Anyway, here’s what’s going on with me…”

Sex – Been married 8 years, two kids now. Got no real complaints in the sex department, my wife is pretty much down to bang whenever I want.

My question concerns whacking off. Despite the fairly healthy sex life sometimes a guy likes to look at a little strange after the same vadge all the time.

I read a fantasy football/sex advice column on my favorite football blog this week and they showed a porn girl they pixellated out & didn’t give her working name. I now want to rub one out to this chick badly. Reverse Google search didn’t help AT ALL. Thanks a lot fuckheads at Google. I don’t care about outing her real identity at all, that’s for shitheads. Can you help a brother out here?
Thanks, Jack Mayhoffer

I absolutely can. But I won’t, because your email was abrasive and inconsiderate. Have a great day, and may the wide world of porn offer something to satisfy your tastes.

Hello and welcome once more to the KSK mailbag! Nice weather we’re having, isn’t it? OH GOD WE’RE CHATTING ABOUT THE WEATHER JUST GET TO THE SEX.

Very well. Let’s get to your questions. As always, if you have something for next week’s mailbag, email us!

Dear KSK,
Sex: I work with a girl who’s incredibly intelligent, beautiful and has a dry, dark sense of humor that I really enjoy. I don’t know her especially well, but we have very similar tastes and our conversations seem to have become increasingly flirtatious. As an example, the other day she was complaining to me about being single and how difficult it is to meet a decent guy. I may be reading into this too much, but she is stunning and I find it very hard to believe she actually has a hard time meeting guys. I’ve been dishing out subtle compliments to her and she’s been responding in kind. I know your policy on workplace relationships and I generally agree, but she only works there occasionally and we see each other maybe once or twice a month.

Game on, says I.

It seems like the potential damage if things go poorly is limited to my own embarrassment and sporadic awkwardness. I have a hard time reading women in these type of situations (I’ve gone both ways, making apparently inappropriate advances and also ignoring insinuations, then being told they were flirting with me after it was too late)

Oh, so you’re every guy on the planet.

and I’m not sure if I’ve given you enough information to work with, but I wanted to hear your opinion on whether it’s worth the risk of asking her out. The job isn’t super important to me career wise, but I like the people there and I don’t want them to think I’m sleazy or have to find another job right now. I’m pretty heavily infatuated with her, but I just can’t decide whether or not to pull the trigger and find out if my feelings are reciprocated.

While it’s true that I’m generally against dating people you work with, there are TONS of exceptions. I take that stance with the assumption that you have a career you like and an attractive co-worker you couldn’t avoid if things happen to go south. It’s not the same if you’re just in a job and your crush is only there intermittently. Like, if you’re working at the frozen banana stand for the summer, then by all means hook up with your attractive co-worker. That’s the best perk you’re gonna get.

That said, you still need to handle the situation delicately. Work is a weird place to ask someone out. Maybe you can organize a happy hour with some co-workers you like, then invite her to be part of the group. That will give you a chance to interact with her in a more informal environment, and a beer or two will help ease the stress of asking her out on a date. And if she says no, it’s not a big deal. You asked her out at a bar after a couple drinks, which is a way more appropriate scenario for doing so than in the communal kitchen hoping that no one else walks in on the conversation.

FF: Keeper question; Eddie Lacy for a 2nd round pick, or Randall Cobb for a 12th? Cobb is obviously better value, but he seems fragile and I’m not sure what sort of role he will have this season. Lacy seems like a durable RB who should be drafted in the 1st. What do you think?

Eternally Indecisive.

Lacy is definitely a first-rounder this year, but Randall Cobb will be fine. I’d probably take Cobb simply because you’re getting a premium wideout — 4th round value, give or take — for a 12th rounder. As much as I love having reliable, workhorse running backs, I think the better way to build a solid fantasy team is to steal value from the back of the draft wherever possible.

**********

Fearless Leader,
I’m a long time follower, and look forward to your mailbag each week. Unfortunately, I don’t have a fantasy question, so hopefully this picture of Anne Hathaway will serve as penance.

Ah, Anne Hathaway. She’s so delightful in still-picture form.

Relationships: About 4 years ago, I moved to a small rural town to take a job I love. As you can imagine, I quickly saw how limited the dating pool was, especially if you start eliminating people who have criminal records, and other less than desirable traits. So when I met my current girlfriend a little over a year and a half ago, I was positive that the other shoe would fall any day. Luckily for me, it hasn’t and I’ve only learned more and more about how awesome she is. She comes from a great family, has a job that really lets her make an impact in the community, she’s gorgeous, she’s really smart, and the sex is amazing. We get along great, and spend almost all of our time together. Not to sound corny, but she’s the full package. For the past six months or so, I’ve been thinking more and more about marriage, but always backed off the idea because of how expensive rings and weddings are. That said, after listening to some sage advice from a few older co-workers and my parents, I’ve finally decided to stop making excuses, and have saved up enough money to buy a ring (Yay, me!).

Oh. From where this started, I thought your story was going to take a turn for the depressing. I am simultaneously happy for you and sad for the mailbag.

And there is where the problem comes in. I have some ideas of what she wants ring wise (cut, type of gold, size, very general style…), but I’m scared shitless I’ll buy one and it won’t be right. I mean, if she says yes, she has to wear the thing the rest of her life, and I want that to be a good thing. She is already on pins and needles about wanting to be married (Her roommate gets married in just under a month) so I am worried about asking any questions that might give her clues that a proposal is coming. Also, she can be the anxious type, so if I come flat out and say “Hey, I’m ready to buy you a ring, come give me some ideas of what style you want… ,” she will drive herself bonkers stressing until the point in time where I ask the question. Seeing as to how you’ve been there before, do you have any advice on how to go about this without ruining the surprise? Should I just call up one of her close girl friends and pick their brain, or should I go to the jeweler with what I DO know and then do my best to find something that looks great within those parameters?
Thanks in advance,
-amazingly witty nickname that hides any trace of my real identity

This is a very common conundrum for the soon-to-be affianced male: finding a balance between surprise and ring satisfaction. And let me assure you: ring satisfaction is WAYYYYYYYY more important than the element of surprise. If you can’t suggest some casual ring shopping — for, you know, some indeterminate time in the future — then enlist one of her friends to take her around. Don’t let her be obvious about it, either. It should be a girls’ brunch — or whatever they have in rural towns instead of brunch — that turns into a “Hey, let’s go look at jewelry!” after they’ve had some drinks. Then she can report back to you with her findings.

**********

Hey Matt,
Last year I grabbed Jordan Cameron in the 15th and felt pretty good about myself for a decent part of the season. I’m starting to plan my drafts, and going to try and pick up Zach Ertz and Travis Kelce in the late rounds this year. Are those two good to target, and can you recommend any other upside/sleeper TEs?

I doubt he’ll be available in the late rounds, but the Chargers’ Ladarius Green seems like a decent option, assuming the wheels finally fall off Antonio Gates. And of course there’s the new crop of rookie tight ends. But who are the best tight ends in the draft? IF ONLY SOMEONE WOULD MAKE A VIDEO TELLING YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

Ah, how convenient!

(By the way, if you happen to not hate that video, Dan Rubenstein and I have been covering mock drafts, team needs, and draft prospects every week on our Future Consideration show. This is the end of my plug.)

Sex: I had a bad breakup a while back, and recently got over it with a late implementation of your plan. I’ve gotten over the idea that all women are evil and out to get me, and am trying to get back on the horse. I haven’t had much luck with girls in a while, or been on a date/gotten laid in a couple years.

During that time, I graduated college and am living with my parents looking for a job, so I don’t get out much. I’m not really sure how to get back into it, specifically worried about not being laid in a couple years and being bad/rusty/generally inexperienced at sex. Is that a legitimate concern (or am I overthinking it?) and do you have any general advice about getting back into dating/relationships?
Thank you,
Late Round TE

The first step is embracing who you are, and loving yourself and your situation, even if that doesn’t feel particularly sexy. The best armor against someone judging you or writing you off because of your work or living situation is to not give a shit what they think. I’m not suggesting that you be one of those deluded weirdos who talks about how awesome it is to live with their parents (“It’s practically my own apartment, rent-free”), but there’s a self-deprecating line where you can acknowledge where you’re at without being a sad-sap Woody Allen type.

Of course, it’s hard to get out there and meet people (and buy drinks) without having a job, so the best way to get out of the house is to find reasons to get out of the house. Personally, I think volunteer work is the best and most rewarding way to do this — you’d be astounded at the number of education, animal, and veterans non-profits could use an extra hand — but you can also just make plans to meet up with old high school or college friends. Just being out and social will give you the boost in confidence you need to talk to the occasional lady. Relax: you’re young, and there’s a lot of living left for you.

**********

Dear KSK,
No fantasy question today, so instead I offer this picture of Miranda Kerr:

I appreciate this, I do. I also want to point out that it feels strange to “accept” photos of sexy women as your penance for not having a fantasy football question, as if I’m some Old Testament deity to be quelled with tits. For the record, I’m happy to look at — and publish — photos of attractive women (or men… ladies) — but you don’t need to produce them in lieu of a particular question.

Okay sex question: After breaking up with an ex (with your advice helping me to get the eventual decision) I went a bit crazy and chased anything that moved and got my fill. After hitting for the cycle (black, latin, white and red head) I went on a self imposed sexile because, well I felt dirty and that I was spiraling a bit out of control.

I hope that you only referred to it as “the cycle” because you know that this is an anonymous forum and were trying out a new phrase. PLEASE tell me that you’re not equating women of different skin colors with stats to be collected. Furthermore, if you’re going to be so shallowly pig-headed, don’t make redheads and white girls different categories while excluding Asian girls altogether. (I’ve heard their vaginas go sideways!)

Aside from being reductive about race and ethnicity, “the cycle” is also a confusing affront to one of the more lasting sports/sex metaphors: reaching first base, second, and so on. Like, I hit for the cycle with my wife on a semi-regular basis. You can’t just up and make it about sleeping with different kinds of women. There’s a linguistic history to respect.

So, I cut back on the drinking and random hooks ups and have been focusing on things that makes me happy and have since met some very interesting girls. Not to mention I have friends who are trying to set me up (side question, is this a bad idea?). No complaints from me on this.

Not a bad idea. If you’re not dating anyone, go meet new people. If you like each other, try having sex with each other. There’s no reason to feel guilty about that or to limit your options, as long as you’re being honest with the people you see and not juggling a cast of girlfriends.

Where I’m struggling is that while I’ve met and gone out with some very interesting and attractive women, trying to talk to them through text messages is not the easiest thing to do. It eventually progresses to so much contact that you run out of shit to say. So what’s the rule on how much contact is too much?

There are no rules. If you’ve run out of things to say, then you’re either (a) not that interested in her, (b) not very inquisitive, or (c) somehow incapable of texting, “Hey, I don’t really love texting — can we just talk on the phone instead?”

And since I’m lazy I’ll throw in an unrelated question. What’s the best way to stop talking to a girl you’re no longer interested in? Apparently women really hate it when you try to fade out/ignore. I’d like to remain on good terms, especially if it was casual, but I also don’t want to lead them on.
-Getting Back In The Saddle (yes I live in Texas)

“I met someone else.”

I meant to recommend this the other week, but neglected to do so because I was whining about dental work: The Toast’s Lessons I’ve Learned From Being a Therapist. It has some similar viewpoints to what we talk about here in the KSK mailbag, but it’s generally more circumspect about life and has the added bonus of coming from an actual therapist, rather than a football blogger. Give it a read — but only AFTER absorbing all of the fantastic life advice below.

Captain,
I don’t have a fantasy football question. I offer my current clone crush, Tatiana Maslany.

I would just like to state for the record that I’m not watching “Orphan Black” and you can’t make me. I don’t care that it’s good. #BoycottCanada

I have two other questions however:

1. I found out yesterday that one of my oldest friends is engaged to be married next year. His fiancee is great and I am very excited for their wedding.

Conflict: He mentioned that their plan is to get married on Pi Day next year (3/14/15). Six months ago, my cousin, who I held when she was an infant and is practically a sister to me, got engaged and planned to get married that day. I have not been in a scenario like this before, and I cannot imagine missing either wedding. How in the shit-bitching ass-bastard hell am I supposed to choose between the wedding of one of my best friends and the wedding of a close family member?

I dunno, you just do. You go to the wedding that’s more important to you, and if you can’t decide, then you go to the one that’s going to be more fun.

Weddings always shake out this way. When you plan one, there simply isn’t a time or place that works for everyone you want to to be there. Someone will inevitably be nine months pregnant or at another wedding or in Africa with the Peace Corps. It’s just the way things go, and the people getting married will always understand. (Unless they’re assholes, in which case fuck their wedding anyway.)

2. My brother has been dating his girlfriend for six months. Recently they took me out to thank me for taking care of his dog on weekends when they are away, and I spent time with the two of them and her sister. I am single. Her sister is single. Her sister is smart, funny and attractive. I do not often meet smart, funny, attractive women, and I am usually too shy around those I do meet for the first time to do anything about it, but in this case I thought we got along incredibly well from the start. I am also fairly confident that my brother will eventually marry his girlfriend, so her sister and I could be aunt and uncle to their theoretical children. Is it too weird that I am interested in her sister? My initial thought was that it was too strange to pursue anything, but one friend (who has not met her sister) encouraged me (“Just fucking go for it” = flawless logic) and now I’m not sure whether to pursue her or let it go. Does my presumption that we will be family in the future make a difference here?

These are two scenarios I never thought I would have to wrap my brain around, and so far I cannot. Please assist.
-Conway Stern

One of the minor headaches of being in a relationship is that you tend to hang out with other couples, and it can be hard to find another couple where the two women get along as well as the men (or vice versa). So potentially dating the sister of your brother’s girlfriend isn’t weird, it’s SUPER CONVENIENT.

The only hitch would be if/when one of the couples break up: it will be considerably more difficult to get a clean break, but I think the upside is enough to warrant that risk. So I’m on Team Just Fucking Go For It. Actually, that’s pretty good life advice in general — “Just fucking go for it” could probably be a decent answer for 90% of the questions in the mailbag.

**********

Greetings Uff Daddy (bet you’ve never heard that before, right?)
First off, fantasy: Haven’t really got anything for you there because, being Australian, the time difference meant playing fantasy football at an ungodly hour on a Monday morning. NO THANKS. I’m a recent immigrant to the US though so maybe next season? I play fantasy hoops but, despite being the commish of our league, I haven’t won since our inaugural season in 2008. In short: I stink. So in lieu of that, here’s a gif of Christina Hendricks since I’m binge-watching Mad Men.

Welcome to the USA! If your new American friends aren’t referencing the image below, then you need to get new friends.

SEXY STUFF: Since I’ve been binge-reading KSK sexbags, I’ve become very familiar with the Matt Ufford post-break-up plan of late. I’ve adhered to a pretty similar strategy most of my adult life anyway, especially the gym part. I moved to the US last November, and had to end a great relationship because 10,000 miles and an indefinite end date aren’t the cornerstones of a successful LDR.

No. No, they’re not.

So to recap: I’m 28, Australian and in a small town that doesn’t see a lot of either young men or guys with accents. I have a job in decent standing in a fairly poor community, and without getting into specifics I have a little bit of a growing profile in the local media and get recognized now and then. Even individually, these factors tend to attract a solid amount of female attention, which honestly I’m thriving on. I used to do pretty well for myself back home but this is a whole other level. Talk about first-world problems right?

All you really need is your accent. The fame is just gravy.

Anyway my problem is this. I get talking to a girl, we flirt a bit, I get enough signals to roll the dice…and then I don’t know what to do next. Especially sober. My instinct is to ask them out for a drink, but then I freak myself out like “shit, what if we go out a couple of times and she wants to get serious, and I want to continue to flirt and date around, and the girl gets pissed at me?” This has already happened once, thankfully with a girl who lives in the next town over, so it’s not like I have to see her every weekend.

Sorry to ramble. I guess my question is, is there a way to play a small-town field without a) scorching the earth, b) painting myself into a relationship corner or c) trying to avoid any form of drama or crossed paths at all by just taking a vow of chastity until I get a job in a bigger market (hopefully early 2015)?

To make up for the obnoxious word count, here’s a photo of Hayden Panetierre that I’ll most definitely have to scroll past quickly when I’m reading the mailbag at work. 

Thanks!
I Come From A Land Down Under

You’ll pardon me for not bleeding sympathy here, Mr. Handsome Australian Who Wants to Freely Sleep Around With Anyone He Wants To In A Small Town But Worries About His Conquests Wanting A Relationship To The Point That It Inhibits His Ability To Ask Out The Very Girls He Only Wants To Sleep With.

Just be clear about your intentions from the earliest stages. Frame it with your situation: “I’m probably leaving here next year, so I’m not looking for anything serious.” Also: you’re looking to leave this place in less than 12 months; exactly how many scorned ex-lovers are you worried about accruing? Stop worrying  about it and ask out whoever you like. Or, put another way: Just fucking go for it.

**********

Captain,

My best friend eloped after dating a guy for three months. And now, after a couple years of marriage and an unexpected pregnancy, she’s wanting a divorce. How can I be supportive in her time of need even though I think she’s a dumbass for needlessly creating this situation in the first place?

- A Girl

Just fucking go for it! (Hmmmm, nope. That one doesn’t work this time.)

You  really just have to bite your tongue while you give your friend support, then drink some wine and complain about it to your mom. Or, if your best friend can handle REALTALK, maybe you can say, “Listen, I’m going to give you all the love and support I have, but can I just say one time how fucking stupid it was to elope after dating for three months? Because that was really stupid. Okay, I feel better now. How can I help?” But frankly, I think that helps YOU a lot more than it would help her.

I have a Marine buddy who didn’t respond all that well to coming back from war. Personality-wise, he was fine, but when we got back from the invasion, he immediately married the first girl he dated. They had two kids over the next couple years, then broke up when it turned out she was having sex with another captain in his unit. Anyway, when that happened, I said things like, “Aw shit man, I’m sorry” and not “I always knew you rushed into it!” A divorce is hard enough; stick to love and support.

**********

Caveman,
Hope the offseason is treating you well.

It is, thank you.

My league usually makes a weekend out of our draft with golf/dinner/casino/whatever (it’s mostly local guys), but the only weekend our out of town friend can make it is the last one in July. He’s drafted online a couple times in the past without complaint (including last year), but he has 3 kids, the draft is usually his only visit of the year, and he enjoys catching up with us, as we do with him.

So I thought of doing our draft that July weekend with these rule changes to account for the earliness: 1.) extending our usual 14 round draft to 18 rounds (or maybe do those last 4 rounds by email a few days later), 2.) unlimited first come first serve adds and drops throughout the entire preseason with the maximum roster size staying at 18, and 3.) two required roster cuts down to 16 at some point in August and back down to 14 by the Monday before Week 1, similar to the real NFL. Then, our normal free agent bidding system would start with all those dropped players back in the pool. This way, you have plenty of room on your roster for injury/position battle insurance plus it could bring a fun dynamic to watch your roster during the preseason. Good idea or too much of a hassle?

It sounds pretty cool to me, actually. My only recommendation is skipping Step 1 above — nobody wants a fantasy draft to go four extra rounds, and it will take forever and a day to do four more rounds over email. Just let people expand their roster to 18 with the adds and drops.

As for women, I recently reached out to someone I went out with a few times about a year and a half ago. It fizzled out for mostly dumb reasons on both sides and we lost touch. She replied quickly and agreed about what happened last time, but said that she had just started seeing someone and wanted to find out where it went. I figured that she wasn’t interested and made it up. But since she didn’t make it sound ironclad with the other guy (nor did Facebook tea leaves indicate as such), I thought I’d test it out at some point.

A month later, I asked her out with the caveat that I didn’t know if she was still seeing someone. She said she was, but that it was “a little complicated” because she and the guy had mutual friends and had known each other a while. She also said she would be at a party thrown by my and her mutual friend (who set us up in the first place) and “maybe I’ll see you there?” I still thought this was a nice form of rejection, but I don’t know this girl very well and was a little puzzled why she’d offer up any details beyond “yep, still seeing someone.”

Maybe she just isn’t comfortable rejecting someone. Maybe she’s looking for something on the side. But if I had to bet on it — and I’m I don’t — my guess would be that she wants you as an option if things don’t work out with the guy she’s presently dating. Even the pot on the back burner needs stirring occasionally, you know?

I would just go to that party and see how she acts toward me, but I’m not as close as her with the mutual friend and wasn’t invited. So I guess my question for you is when a girl you don’t know very well possibly leaves the door open like that, is it on me to reach out again after some more time passes? Or at this point, should I just assume that if she’s at all interested, she’ll talk to me?
-Mario Lemieux

If you follow up again a month or two later, you’re verging on “creepy guy who always randomly asks me out” territory. Just write her back now and tell her that you won’t be seeing her at said party because you weren’t invited. Then tell her that you’d like to see her if her situation ever clears up, and that she should get in touch when that happens.

What that message accomplishes is perfect clarity, but also a healthy dose of self-respect. You don’t want to get strung along by a series of soft rejections from someone who may or may not be available and may or may not be interested. Getting strung along is NOT just fucking going for it.

Getty Image

"White Power!"

Hello, and welcome to your Draft Day mailbag. I’m sorry to say that there was a disheartening dearth of emails this week, so I’ll put out this reminder again: ask us anything. Email us here.

While there are a couple emails to get to, I’ve filled some of the space with my DRAFT DAY THOUGHTS GRAB BAG! Yes! Get excited!

1. If you’d like some alternate media to ESPN and NFL Network, I’ll be part of SB Nation’s live show(s) running before and after the first round. I mean, OBVIOUSLY, you should be here at Kissing Suzy Kolber leaving comments, but if you could open up a second tab with our pre-/post show, that’d be cool. Here’s a little preview:

The details, in case you don’t want to watch that video: we’re live at 7:30 p.m. Eastern until the draft starts at 8:00, then again at 11:00 p.m. Eastern (if you’re in another time zone, please subtract hours accordingly). Please watch! I promise it will be fun and possibly even informative.

2. Eric Ebron, the consensus top tight end in the draft, proposed to his girlfriend at the top of the Empire State Building today.

The obvious target, here, is those pants. It looks like he killed a bunch of clowns, sewed their costumes together, then put it through a black and white filter. And what was he thinking with that t-shirt? (I’ll answer that: “More patterns!” Also, it’s SUPER foggy in NYC today; there’s no view to speak of at the top of the ESB today. (Nolan Nawrocki: “Engaged. Poor romantic judgment. Black.”)

Of course, our own Mr. Ape pointed out the cautionary tale of Russell Wilson, and maybe — just MAYBE — it’s not wise to get married when you’re 22 and standing on the precipice of newfound fame and riches. Actually, I don’t typically recommend that ANY 22-year-old get married, but there are certainly enough success stories to prove that lifelong love can take root at that age. SO: Congratulations to Mr. and the future Mrs. Ebron. I wish them nothing but happiness, unless he gets drafted by Steelers.

3. There has been much ado about draft picks choosing their own music, from KSK revealing the selections to ten suggestions for Jadeveon Clowney. I have one wish for tonight, and it is this: Teddy Bridgewater enters to “A Little Respect” by Erasure. I would glow from the inside with happy laughter if he did that.

4. Personally, as an NFL fan, I would be happy to go to the Bahamas on Thursday, then return Monday morning after three days of reading sci-fi on the beach, at which point I could just read up on the Seahawks’ draft class all at once. I don’t need the first-round draft grades, or the Kiper/McShay dynamic, or the hour-to-hour ennui between my favorite team’s picks. Just let me binge on information after a relaxing weekend.

But it doesn’t work that way. I’m now part of the machine, assimilated into the NFL media Borg, and so I will provide instant reactions and grade draft classes before they ever step on the field as professionals, in the process saying things that would be regrettable if anyone logged them and revisited them eight months later. This is how your sausage is made. All I can say is that at least this internet sausage is organic and humane. That ESPN shit is all nitrates and assholes.

5. Keep all of this in mind as you get worked up over draft grades and hot takes and busts and reaches. At least give your favorite team’s management the benefit of the doubt until training camp. Unless you’re a Browns or Redskins fan, I guess.

And now, your emails:

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hey captain,
since your game of thrones reviews are legitimately the only reason i still watch the show, i was wondering the chances of you expanding your review repertoire to other more worthy shows, such as banshee, strike back or spartacus. all those shows easily lend themselves to your violence vs sex basis and frankly all are much more entertaining in my opinion. it seems like andy greenwald is able to write his complete and incoherent bumbling, rambling 8000 word opuses (or opi?) on some arcane scene in mad men. i am sure you can enlighten the masses on the beauty of sheriff lucas hood and his many loves. basically in sat format, andy greenwald:dan orlovsky::matt ufford:russell wilson.

in lieu of a bedroom related query, here is one of the more underrated women on banshee. it is unfortunately extremely safe for work.

please please please consider adding some more shows!!
thanks
hudhaifa ismaili (not really….but a fellow nu grad of your generation nonetheless)

Three things:

1. Thank you for reading my Game of Thrones scorecards. Your compliments have made me sufficiently uncomfortable.

2. The GoT scorecards are a fun way for me to dabble in my old TV-writing world during the football offseason. I don’t really have the time or desire to write more about TV, and I have no plans to get Showtime. I’m sure your shows are great, though.

3. Re: Andy Greenwald. If you don’t like someone’s writing, don’t read it. This is a secret to a longer and happier life. If you think Bill Simmons is long-winded and predictable, don’t read him. Same with Peter King and Gregg Easterbrook and anyone else who may be fun to hate-read. There’s now SO MUCH good and fun stuff to read online that you don’t have to fall into the dark well of loathing someone you’ve never met.

**********

Captain,
No fantasy question this week. Just hoping Jerry Jones manages to say something racist on tape so we can force him to sell the Cowboys.

It’ll never happen. Even before Adam Silver blew up Donald Sterling, David Stern had established the position of NBA commissioner as a don to be feared. Goodell would never take a stance like that. He’s a stuffed suit who caters to the bottom line, which is why Jimmy Haslam is a great guy and the Redskins name is totally fine. JERRAH would have to speak out about changing the game’s safety measures to protect the players in order to get any kind of censure.

Sex: I’ve been dating the same guy for nine months and he’s been great but lately he’s beginning to lose his goddamn mind. For the past month or so he has been really into conspiracy theories. Like, 9/11 is an inside job/Nazis are poisoning are drinking water with fluoride to make us slaves nutso conspiracy theories.

Oh, so you’re just going to dismiss them as “theories” when the EVIDENCE is RIGHT THERE on YouTube and several different message boards? Some girlfriend you are.

If I disagree I might as well be a member of the illuminati in his eyes. A few weeks ago after I went to sleep he stayed up all night watching Holocaust videos really loudly which, of course, gave me terrible nightmares.

Okay, I’ve read enough. You should break up with him.

He’s fallen into this obsessive YouTube hole and has stopped leaving his house. One day, he’s saying he’s a rastafarian and wants us to get dreds together. The next he says he wants to be a war photographer and move to Syria. It changes all the time. He’s like a completely different, CRAZY person. I love him and when he’s great he’s great

uh huh

but this is all really upsetting and he’s acting like a self-centered jackass who doesn’t even notice my needs. His friends say it’s just a phase but this has been going on six weeks now and I really have no idea what to do. I’m beginning to not even see him very much because my only option is going into his weird YouTube cave with him which is totally unappealing. I love him but this is so fucking dumb AND kinda scary. Do I break up with him? Do I wait the phase out? Do I try to help him?

-Not In The Illuminati

You’ve been dating nine months. Nine months is about 40 weeks, and he’s been part of the Alex Jones youth movement for six weeks. That means a full 15 percent of the time you’ve been with him, he’s been an insane moron. The acceptable percentage of time, in case you’re curious, is zero. ZERO.

You said that you love him, and “he’s great.” But you didn’t write about why you love him, or how he’s great. You wrote about how he’s an irrational idiot who ignores his girlfriend. Stop wasting your time, and dump him. There are literally MILLIONS of available men in this country who don’t need to be cajoled out of YouTube caves.

Thanks for reading, everyone. May your favorite team not do anything stupid tonight. Oh, and Colts/Redskins fans: remember, you didn’t LOSE a first-round pick, you gained Trent Richardson and one-third of Robert Griffin.

(image via)

The best part of this mailbag is also one of the benefits of working at a start-up with lots of young folk: a constant exposure to the lives of single people. See, we happily married folk tend to have simple lives filled with home cooking and Netflix. It’s not as exciting, perhaps, as sleeping with someone you’ve just met, but the emotional turmoil is also lower. There’s no heartbreak or the sinking feeling that you shouldn’t have slept with a sexy idiot — just some occasional frustrations over money or chores with someone you love. It’s steady.

So please, single people, write in about your ongoing dating mishaps and misadventures. I mean, yeah: I wanna help you. But I also enjoy the excitement of your disasters. (Married and affianced: you can write in, too. I guess.)

On to your questions!

Dear KSK,
Football: It’s pretty great, isn’t it?

Yeah.

(The KSK Mailbag: not afraid to answer the TOUGH questions!)

Other: My girlfriend, who I’m currently in a long distance relationsihp with, did not get her teaching contract renewed. Right now she’s very upset because she is probably moving in 3 weeks but does not have any idea where. We’ve been dating since around October 2012, but she moved down to Arizona for her teaching job in July 2013. She was living in the city I’m in. Part of me thinks I should ask her to come live with me and part of me thinks that is a terrible idea since I’ve lived alone the past 6 years and we were never staying over at each other’s place for weeks. Any advice?
-LDL

I’ve said this before, but it obviously needs repeating: a long-distance relationship is akin to a prolonged deep-sea dive. Going from long-distance to cohabitation is no different than surfacing too quickly — it won’t be long before nitrogen bubbles enter your bloodstream and you live with constant headaches and seizures. Without her job in Arizona, your girlfriend should absolutely move back to your city — but she’ll need to find her decompression chamber to stay in as you two get used to being around each other.

What’s that? She can’t afford her own place because she’s out of work? Okay, but you’ve been living by yourself for six years and are used to long stretches of time between seeing your girlfriend. Now picture her in your apartment ALL THE TIME. What if she can’t find a job? The home you’re used to — your sanctuary — is changed, and your ever-present girlfriend is stressed about her lack of work. That’s going to put undue strain on your relationship.

I could see — MAYBE — you offering your place for a week or two as she looks for an apartment and work, but that could be a slippery slope. Master walking before you try to run.

**********

Captain of Last Resort:
Fantasy first: I’m in my mid-thirties, and remain close with a number of friends from high school. I’ve been in fantasy football and baseball leagues with several of them (8 or 9 guys overlap in both leagues) since college. I’ve always been very into sports (as a spectator) though my ability and desire to remain a super-knowledgeable fan has waned over the years as my career has moved forward and I’ve married and had several children–to the point where I can’t name 4 of the 5 starting pitchers on my favorite baseball team, watch sportscenter maybe once a week, and only catch a baseball game once every two- to three-weeks.

I see nothing wrong with this. I grew up a Mariners die-hard with — at one point — 11 Ken Griffey Jr. posters in my room. I memorized stats and studied box scores and followed the batting title race on a day-to-day basis. I now go to one or two MLB games a year, watch none on TV until the playoffs, and can name maybe four or five Mariners (Felix Hernandez, Robinson Cano, Dustin Ackley, ummm … come back to me on this).

And that’s okay! We’re adults. We’ve got jobs and bills and families that are ultimately more rewarding than studying box scores or watching an Astros game in mid-August. It’s part of being a useful member of society.

In football I remain committed to watching my favorite team’s games every Sunday (leaving out team names here to protect anonymity) and always try and do something for all of the NFL playoff games, but I certainly don’t know the baseball and football leagues from top to bottom like I used to. Because of this, my once mediocre fantasy skills have dwindled and I have been a bottom feeder for several years now. To top it off, the camaraderie I once got from the leagues has also dwindled because at least half the drafts are now online (we did in-person for quite some time) and there are very few occasions when everyone sees each other during the football/baseball seasons where we could talk trash in person.

Again: useful member of society.

So, I feel I am getting very little for the several hundred dollars in league dues I pay every year (although money is not really a concern; we are comfortable). And every year I feel like I lose interest earlier and earlier in the season. That said, I don’t want to end up as a 45-year-old who lost all of his connections to his old friends because of familial obligations. What do you think–should I continue to participate in order to keep this connection to my friends?

I don’t think you need a live draft to connect to your friends. Maybe you can’t get all 12 members together for a big weekend, but you also have all season to watch a game or two or six with a friend or friends from your league. Like, I almost never see Will Leitch any more, but when he lived in New York we’d try to watch a Cardinals-Seahawks game together (as long as it didn’t interfere with the baseball Cardinals’ playoff run, of course). As you get older, you end up seeing fewer of your friends and in smaller doses, but it’s still enjoyable — you should make the effort.

And you don’t need top-to-bottom knowledge of the NFL to be successful in fantasy football. You just need to watch the videos I make and ask the helpful dudes (and gals) in the comment section of this mailbag. Oh, and also a shit-ton of injury luck.

Sexy time: I am a decent looking guy, I think. My wife (also in her mid-thirties) is quite beautiful, probably the most attractive woman I’ve ever been with and certainly better looking than I am. I was always somewhat thin but certainly not in good shape due to excessive fast food intake, smoking and drinking in college. I put on a beer gut and then some in college and never lost it or did anything to try and lose it. My wife, previously very petite, had gained some weight after having the kids (though remained very attractive, and it never negatively impacted my desire to have marital relations with her, which have always been great). Last year she undertook efforts to address her weight situation–going to the gym and eating right–and got back close to her pre-child weight. It was quite impressive. When she did it, I did it too–and then some. I am now in the best shape of my life–same weight as high school, but with more muscle tone.

Unfortunately, my wife fell off her diet and exercise routine several months ago, has gained some weight back, and while she keeps telling me she is starting watching what she eats and going to the gym again, she never keeps at it for more than a few days. I am concerned because (a) I am concerned for her health; (b) it negatively impacts her self esteem; and (c) she does not want to make the sex so much because she feels unattractive. While I’ve attempted to gently coax her to eat right and go to the gym again, any time I touch on the subject she reprimands me. And no matter how much I try and ignore it and continue to complement her beauty as before, she still doesn’t want to do it on any kind of regular basis (and the sex frequency was already irregular because of kids, work stress, etc.). Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Guy lacking creativity to come up with a clever/funny signature

So what exactly is different from before? It sounds to me like — despite some backsliding — your wife’s physical appearance is better than what it was post-kids, you’re still in great shape, and your sex life is roughly the same (too infrequent). Taking a bigger view of things, it seems like you’ve got a net positive since the initial effort your wife made last year.

Don’t get me wrong: I want to be sympathetic and give you the tools to communicate with your wife and improve your sex life. But a lot of what you’re talking about sounds like married life for a LOT of people in their 30s — kids and work take up time that you want for sex and the gym; your physical appearance is a constant battle against age and metabolism; you struggle to help your partner make changes that never fully take root. So by all means: take part in meal planning and push for healthier dinners, take care of the kids so she can go to the gym, and keep flailing against the ravages of time and parenthood until the day you die. The solution isn’t a simple conversation or a switch to flick, it will be a long and constant struggle. Life sucks that way.

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Salutations, Captain.
No fantasy football question for me, as I don’t play. I did finish third in my fantasy hockey league this year but I can’t imagine you care so there’s no point in me even finishing this senten

Correct!

As for sexy sex: I broke up earlier this year with a woman I’d been dating for about 18 months. Standard post-college, lives-going-different-directions stuff. We’ve had basically no contact since then (not hard since she’s in a different part of the country), but I am still in possession of some, uh, home movies the two of us made when we were together. I’ve started seeing someone else, but if I need to take care of business myself I’ll sometimes access the discreet, well-hidden porn folder and watch some of my old exploits.

Is this Kosher? My ex hasn’t asked me to get rid of the videos, and of course I’m not ever going to share them with anyone as I am not a monster. But is it some sort of violation for me to keep watching them? And what about now that there’s a new girl in the picture? She and I haven’t had the Let’s Define Our Relationship talk yet (and it’s not like I’m going to tell her what porn I watch) but I can’t imagine I’m on solid ethical ground here. I’d appreciate some perspective on this.
With thanks,
DIY Dirk Diggler

I suppose the rationale here is that your sex videos aren’t any different from porn. But they are different, aren’t they? Because it’s not the fantasy world of porn, but something very real to you. You’re getting sexual gratification from your ex while dating someone new. It’s not QUITE cheating, but it’s certainly grounds for an ugly fight and — depending on your girlfriend — a break-up.

If that seems unfair, swap roles: how would you feel if you walked in on your girlfriend watching porn? Not so bad, right? Now what if she were masturbating to a video of her fucking another guy? Suddenly not so cool.

You don’t need to delete the old sex tapes, but they should go into digital mothballs while you’re in a relationship.

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G’morning Cap,
Congrats on making it through the draft in one piece. I bet the amount of stupid in a sports journalist’s life plummets after round 7.

Thank you. To be fair, there’s a lot of stupid in every NFL writer’s life, pretty much year-round.

Fantasy first. I’m about to join my first league where people actually give a shit (not auto drafting, trades, trash talk, etc) and I need some draft advice. When making choices in the later rounds, how important is it to consider the timing of bye weeks? If I have a great QB or RB, do I try to get a WR or TE to compensate for their off weeks or is it better to just go for value?

Nah, just get the best players. As long as you’re not drafting backups who have the same byes as your starters, you’ll be fine. There’s a lot of excessive hand-wringing about bye weeks during a draft, when really, what’s the worst case scenario? You have one week where all your players are off? So you lose that week, and you’ve got 12 more weeks with a full roster to make the playoffs.

And now sex. I’m 26. From 19-25 I was in a relationship with my college sweetheart. On the one hand, I have much more experience with long-term relationships than most of my peers, but I’m less than clueless at being single. Hooking up at 19 was stupid easy so I never learned how to flirt with a stranger beyond “hey we’re both drunk” and I’m not great at picking up on signals.

Oh, boo hoo hoo. “I’m 26 and single with technology that makes getting laid easier than ever. What ever shall I do?”

I bring this up because I’m into a friend of a friend. We’ve met at various parties a handful of times and I think she might feel the same. Although she might just be friendly. Again, not great at picking up on signals. In any case, following recent advice from this column, I’ve decided to ask her out so my question is: what’s the etiquette here? Do I run this by my friend first? And should I send her a text right away or wait until the next time we run into each other? And how do I actually tell the difference between flirty and friendly?
-Single in Seattle

I’d like to direct you in the direction of two weeks ago, where the pertinent advice was “Just fucking go for it.” You’ve got her number, right? What the hell are you waiting for? Someone else to ask her out?

This isn’t to say there aren’t nuances and best practices. You may benefit from talking to your friend, who might give you insight to her feelings or past dating history. Maybe she isn’t thinking about you and would be surprised by a text out of the blue. Maybe she’s a romantic and wants to be called (note: NO ONE wants to be called, ever, except your parents). But all that shit is polish on the frame, when you should be focused on painting in big, bold strokes.

You’ll never have a complete handbook to the opposite sex. Some women are naturally flirtatious even when they’re not interested, some are merely friendly to a fault, and some who are interested will obfuscate their feelings. All that YOU can do, Single Man In His Twenties, is be confident, gentlemanly, and bold. Ask out women you like. Don’t worry so much about the medium, as long as you’re using one to move forward.

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Bonjour! We’ll get to your questions in a bit, but first we gotta talk about France.

Now, France is great. Paris is one of the greatest cities in the world. But if you’re an American who’s moved there and prefers the French lifestyle, do your home nation a favor and DON’T write about why you prefer French culture. Please don’t. Pretty please. Because I guarantee that you will sound completely insufferable.

Of course, the most famous example of this is Pamela Druckerman’s Bringing Up Bébé, in which the Paris-based American author presents a step-by-step accounting of how French parents are better than American ones because they put their own happiness first and inoculate their children to secondhand smoke at an early age.

And now this: French Weddings Are More Fun, featured in NY Mag’s The Cut. It’s all terrible, but I’ve selected a few choice passages to share with you:

I’m an American who has lived in Paris for seven years.

Of course you are! (The sentence above is the universal sign for rational people to X out of a browser window.)

…“Dating” as we know it in the U.S. doesn’t really exist in Paris. The second you sit down to a drink with someone, you’re in a relationship. There’s no playing the field, and there’s no “Wait, are we dating?” conversation. People break up or get serious.

That sounds … awful. “Sorry, I can’t have coffee with you. I had coffee with someone on Tuesday, and we haven’t broken up yet.” Like, American dating is depressing and enervating, but the best way to meet the right partner for you is to meet a lot of people.

And while relationships might progress quickly, engagements often last for years.

If you decide to get married, then plan a wedding and get married and start getting your tax breaks. Long engagements are pointless and shitty. Need proof? Watch The Five-Year Engagement. That movie blew ass.

In France, the very act of getting engaged takes forever. The man asks the woman’s father for her hand, and he then proposes with a ring. In America, this would be followed by phone calls and a Facebook post, but here the couple keeps the engagement secret until they can tell their families in person. 

Yeah, that makes tons of sense in France, which is approximately the size of Texas. And a place the size of Texas, though inarguably large, is comfortably navigable by car or train to share the best possible news with your closest loved ones.

This isn’t the case in the United States, where parents and their grown children on opposite coasts are often separated by an expensive 5-hour flight. SORRY FOR USING MODERN TECHNOLOGY TO BRIDGE IMPOSSIBLE DISTANCES, YOU JUDGMENTAL ASS.

The men and women do split up for the bachelor and bachelorette parties. The tradition is to kidnap the bride, whisk her away for the weekend, and make her dress up and perform embarrassing dares in public. 

Oh, so EXACTLY THE SAME as American bachelorette parties?

The weddings themselves are weekend-long affairs. That’s in part because in France, only civil marriages are legally binding. So lots of couples have two ceremonies: one legal, one religious. Fabien and Virginie’s wedding, for instance, consisted of a Friday-night civil wedding; a religious ceremony, cocktail party, dinner, and reception on Saturday; and a big lunch on Sunday.

Once again, this is essentially the EXACT format of most American weddings I’ve been to: Friday night rehearsal/welcome dinner, Saturday wedding and reception, and Sunday farewell brunch. WEEKEND-LONG AFFAIR. SAME AS FRANCE.

The weekend was completely beautiful, with festivities revolving around an old farmhouse overlooking a vineyard on Virginie’s family château in Bordeaux. About 300 people attended, which is average; a 100-person wedding is considered very small.

Anyone who’s been to a 300-person wedding can tell you that 300-person weddings are fucking TERRIBLE. Fuck you. All of the best weddings I’ve been to have been about 100 people or less, which (a) gives you a chance to actually hang out with the bride and groom, (b) keeps dinner from taking eight years, and (c) ensures that the quality (and freeness) of food and booze isn’t capped by the preposterous number of guests.

All of us witnesses went a week early and helped the bride and groom ready the farmhouse. We took down cobwebs, repainted all the shutters, and laid gravel in the driveway… It’s traditional for the bride and groom to make gifts for every guest, so we helped them prepare jam and homemade rum punch, and then tied little tickets on each of the 600 jars and bottles. 

“French weddings are way more fun for bridesmaids! They require a week of unpaid labor and mindless tasks! I’m a fucking simpleton!”

American weddings might be more ornate, but French weddings have better food and last longer. I’d say they cost about the same,

Sounds like rigorous fucking research you did there.

because while American-wedding budgets include things like chair covers, French couples spend money on food and drink for hundreds of guests — and on keeping the DJ going until 7 a.m. I recently went to a wedding in California that ended at midnight. I was shocked! The dancing doesn’t even start until after midnight in France.

That’s not a typical American wedding. That’s YOUR fault for having shitty American friends. Other Americans are smart enough to rent wooden chairs that don’t need covers.

I think Americans would also be surprised by the irreverence of French weddings; they defy cultural stereotypes. When the couple makes their entrance at dinner, everyone stands on their chairs and throws their napkins in the air.

You’ve got to be a special kind of dipshit to be impressed by stupid shit just because it doesn’t fit into your expected stereotype. “France: they’ve got stupid wedding traditions, too!”

Dinner can last for hours as families and witnesses poke fun at the bride and groom through dozens of silly videos, speeches, slideshows, and sketch-comedy routines.

Almost exactly like America. (Although if you see a sketch-comedy routine break out at a wedding, please do the right thing and set the venue on fire immediately.)

When the dancing finally starts, the music ranges from traditional to cheesy (think: “It’s Raining Men”).

French weddings: we have the same shitty songs as America’s worst weddings!

When I get married I think I’ll go the French route. I like the sound of a Parisian wedding, one that would be less about my dress and hair and more about family and friends coming together over lots and lots of Champagne.

That’s not a French wedding. That’s just a good wedding. You’re terrible. I hope you marry a Frenchman and never write in English again.

And now, finally, the mailbag gets to your questions.

Hi Cavey,
FFL: My football question has to do with offseason research: I’m always looking for better ways to figure out who’s going to make a good late draft pickup, so I’m wondering if you have any tidbits you can toss our way. I take a look at 2nd/3rd year receivers, kick the tires on RBs to look into things like # of carries last year and age, and try to think about what QB/WR pairings are looking promising for the next year. Any non-trademarked secrets you can cast off to us?

Seems like you’re in the right ballpark. I won’t draft a running back in his 30s (Steven Jackson was the easiest bust to avoid last year), and a heavy load of touches is cause for concern. LeSean McCoy and Marshawn Lynch were the only backs with 300+ carries in 2013, and while that’s not a dealbreaker, I will probably bump them down my draft board a spot or two because of it.

Elsewhere, seek out offensive-minded coaches and talented quarterbacks. Take the second wideout in a great offense before the first wideout in a mediocre one. And don’t sleep on boring QBs surrounded by great assets — Jay Cutler, Andy Dalton, and Josh McCown are all going to be perfectly serviceable if you miss out on Brees and Manning.

Relationships: My girlfriend’s best friend just recently got into in a whirlwind romance with a new guy, and, quite against the best friend’s type, has let things progress quite quickly and has now moved in with him after just a few months. Also against type is that when they’re in public, they’re the couple who cuddles all the fuck over each other all the damn time (this despite her anger when single about any other couple showing intimacy; fuck that). This dramatic change, of course, is of concern to my girlfriend, me, and the rest of the social circle that is close with the best friend.

Prior to dating this guy, the best friend agreed to come join the rest of our social circle in our annual long weekend trip out to the coast (Pacific NW, so you can’t really say ‘beach’), where we rent a nice place, eat richly, drink heartily, and have fun. Once the best friend got with new guy, she asked to bring him along and we all said that’s cool. Well, now it’s become rather annoying because despite knowing months ahead of time the dates (memorial weekend), he’s now apparently hosting some friends for a night and attending his friend’s improv comedy gig at the circus-themed bar in town (jeebus asshole christ; trust me, it’s even worse than it sounds), so they’re now coming for a little bit on Saturday before heading back into town and then coming back to the coast on Sunday, which, hey, their choice, but it’s just stupid. I should mention that we are all in our mid thirties or older.

So the guy you don’t like is going to spend LESS time hanging out with you? What’s the problem?

So, to the questions: 1.) when am I allowed to kick him in the dick? and 2.) how do I best restrain myself from yelling “I TOLD YOU SO” when this relationship goes south?

Actually, no, the real convoluted question is: at what point and how do we talk to the best friend and tell her that while we’re happy for her new relationship, this sudden high-school level PDA and flakiness on the rest of her friends needs to be dialed way the hell back?
Thank you and keep up the good work,
Obviously Someone Zesty

Step 1 is chill out a little bit. Not everyone in your perfect little circle of friends is going to select sexual partners that mesh with the rest of the group. Your social circle is not fixed, and best friends aren’t always forever. Friendships have ebbs and flows, and the ebbs are never more likely than when one of the friends gets into drugs or dates someone who’s into improv. So don’t be upset about one friend missing part of a weekend because of her stupid boyfriend. Focus on enjoying your time on the coast — and, of course, talk MAD shit about them with everyone else while they’re at the improv show.

Of course, this doesn’t solve the PDA issue when they’re in your presence. I think that some gentle teasing would help here: I’ve always enjoyed “GET A ROOM!”, but “Hey, knock it off, you two. I’d like to have an appetite for dinner” could also work. They’ll either get the point or stop wanting to hang out with you, so win-win.

Or you could do something REALLY out of the box and just be glad that your girlfriend’s best friend is happy instead of her usual M.O. of bitching about couples making out.

…yeah, probably not.

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It’s wedding season again, which reminded me that I need to thank you for the excellent advice you gave me last year (Valentine’s Mailbag, 2013) –

Sex: I’ve been dating a great girl since last July. I’m going to a slew of weddings this summer that I’d like her to attend with me. What’s the protocol for out-of-town weddings for my friends? Should I take care of the travel costs (including her airfare)? Or is it reasonable to ask her to pay for some/all of those costs? If it matters, we have roughly similar income.
Sincerely,
Mile High Club Hopeful

Talk it out with her. If she doesn’t know your friends who are getting married, then the onus is on you to pick up the bulk of the expenses. However, given the cost of flying across the country, that makes for an awfully expensive date. Since you’re on equal financial footing and will be approaching the year-mark of the relationship, I think it’s reasonable for her to pay for her own airfare, but you pick up the cost of the hotel. Hotel sex is the best!

As you suggested, we talked about it and agreed to split the costs along those lines (she paid her own airfares, and because they were my friends, I paid for most or all of the hotels/rental cars/gifts). Traveling with her made each trip and each wedding so much better, and though it sounds corny, I think we felt more in love after each one. We’re traveling to 3 more weddings this summer and using the same arrangement (including her paying for the larger share when it’s a wedding of her family/friends). And yeah, hotel sex is awesome.
Thanks again,
Guest, Hot & Heavy Hotel

I copied and pasted this into the mailbag without realizing there was no question. The responsible and professional thing to do here would be to cut this out and send an email thanking the reader, but fuck that. If Peter King doesn’t have to edit his shit, why should I? SAVOR MY BLOATED WORD COUNT.

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Captain,
Sex: I love reading the mailbag each week and really appreciate your insights. My boyfriend of a few months broke up with me this week and I was blindsided. Looking back, I realize I shouldn’t have been. We weren’t getting along very well recently. We were friends for a while and we started dating soon after my previous, emotionally draining relationship ended. I realized too late that I probably need more time to recover from that but didn’t really know what to do. I let jealousy and stress of other things in my life (new job,moving) impact the way I was treating him (getting upset over little things, not letting shit go, being a bitch, etc.) I was taking him for granted and I went too far. I really do care about him and I love spending time with him. I’m kicking myself for acting this way.

Hey, that’s really mature of you. Circumspection and self-awareness aren’t easy, especially in the wake of a break-up.

I love your Post Breakup Guide and recommend it to anyone who is going through a tough breakup, but my question is what is your advice on winning someone back?

I have a new perspective on my actions and it’s definitely out of character for me to act this way, but I’m not sure how to go about showing him this is the case. The breakup was amicable and I agree with all the points he made. I just want an opportunity to show that things can and will be better. I suggested we try to take a break for a couple weeks and see what happens, but he said a break and breakup are one and the same to him. He wants to stay friends, still talk and see what happens from there. We have a lot of mutual friends so we will see each other at social events, etc. How should I approach this?
– Idiot Girlfriend

I think you can tell him everything you wrote in your first paragraph (assuming you haven’t already), and that will go a long way to validating his feelings leading up to the break-up. Never underestimate the power of a heartfelt apology.

That said, you don’t have to cheat on someone to wreck a relationship beyond repair. Bitchiness and jealousy can have a lasting impact on a person’s psyche, and — regardless of your friendship or mutual friends — his impulse on seeing you might be “I’m so glad I’m not dealing with her shit any more.” Recognize and respect his feelings and need for distance.

Shorter answer: cleavage, a tight skirt, and a couple drinks. He’s not made of stone.

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy: besides the obvious Sammy Watkins type rookies to take in fantasy drafts this summer, are there any sleeper rookies that you would recommend taking a look at?

Watkins will be a key piece of the Bills offense, but he’s also not flying under anyone’s radar, which means he’ll probably come off the board a round earlier than he should. I’d rather turn my sights on Bishop Sankey, running behind a solid Titans line (Shonn Greene and Jackie Battle are in the picture, of course, but are also Shonn Greene and Jackie Battle). Mike Evans shows a ton of upside in the Lovie Smith “Josh McCown throwing to two gigantic wideouts” offense. Also, Kelvin Benjamin should be a great red zone target for Cam Newton, and Eric Ebron is an exciting prospect for the Lions offense. Those are the guys with the most buzz right now.

As training camps start and depth charts start to take shape, you’ll probably see these guys creeping into the discussion:

• Jordan Matthews, Eagles. BUY on all Eagles offensive players.
• Tre Mason, Rams. I think it’s still Zac Stacy’s job to lose, but Mason has too much talent not to get carries.
• Brandin Cooks, Saints. Looks like the next boom-or-bust Saints receiver to drive you insane, but could break out with an injury to Jimmy Graham or the declining Marques Colston.
• Carlos Hyde, 49ers. With Frank Gore aging and Marcus Lattimore a question mark, Hyde could become the workhorse for San Francisco.
• Jeremy Hill, Bengals & Andre Williams, Giants. Both are incredibly talented backs with good size that may end up as the goal-line backs.

Anyway, we’ll get more into that as the season gets closer. Only 15 weeks until Seahawks-Packers!

Sex: I am engaged and have the wedding set for this fall. Everything in our relationship up until now has been amazing, we’ve been together for about 2 and a half years and she’s the girl of my dreams. However, right now I’m in the middle of a fight between my future wife and my best man, who is also my best friend. He wants to bring his on again/ off again girlfriend of about 18 months as his plus one to the wedding, who my fiancée absolutely hates and does not want there. The girlfriend has treated my best man pretty poorly, she has dumped him multiple times, said she has no feelings for him, uses him when there are no other better options around, etc., but he’s always there and takes her back. The best man says he’s in love with her and is adamant that he be able to bring her, but my fiancée is adamant that she is not coming. If I tell my best man that sorry, she can’t come, I fear it could ruin/end our friendship. If I put my foot down with the fiancée and say the girlfriend can come, it could cause a giant rift in our relationship, and would probably be an awful way to start married life together. How should I handle this? I see no good way out of this situation.
Thanks,
Stuck in the Middle

Wow, okay. That’s a lot to unpack. Here are my thoughts, in order:

1. Marriage is a legally binding contract to your life partner. Translation: when in doubt, you side with your wife.

2. Your best friend is pussy-blind. It’s regrettable, but it happens to perfectly intelligent people all the time. Eventually, he’ll either come to his senses … or he’ll marry her. Is your wedding the bridge your wife wants to fight this battle on?

3. The best man is entitled to bring a date. If he and his girlfriend are in “on-again” mode, then it only makes sense that he would bring her.

4. Real talk: dictating who the best man can or can’t bring as his date is a straight-up Bridezilla move.

So, there are some conflicting points there. I have no doubt that your best man’s girlfriend is a useless tramp. But you can’t do anything about his lack of judgment or self-worth, can you?

Marriage is compromise, and it begins with the wedding. EVERY wedding has a guest (or guests) that either the bride or groom doesn’t like, but is obligated to include. You invite them as a favor to your partner, or to your parents. On those grounds alone, it would seem that your bride needs to relent and allow Slutty McCunterson to attend.

HOWEVER, if your best man and his viper-lady are prone to public fights or any kind of drama that would detract from your celebration or distract him from his duties, then you need to side with your wife, put on your big-boy pants, and explain to your best man why you can’t risk your wedding on his penchant for flaky bitches. (And maybe be prepared to get a new best man.)

There’s not a right answer that makes everyone happy, and that’s life for you. It kinda sucks most the time.

We got it ALL today, folks. As always, if you have a question for next week, email us here. Let’s get right into it.

Hey Cap -
Lady reader here. I had no fantasy team last year because my friend hosed me. How do I get back at her?

Tell potential suitors she has herpes. OWNED!*

*do not do this

So dating is the worst, and I’m kind of a late bloomer, so I feel like I never really learned how to do this. Like, what do people generally talk about on dates? I’m good at small talk, thanks to my job, but my dates recently (yes, I’m trying online dating) end up feeling sort of like job interviews. How do I change up the vibe to make it more fun? What do guys like to talk about on dates? Any tips for thoughtful questions that are more revealing than ‘what do you do’? I’m in my thirties if that changes things.

Well, a first date kind of IS a job interview: you have to provide an outline of who you are and what you like so there’s a base for communication. That said, if you’re online dating, you should be able to dispense with some of that basic information exchange before you ever meet IRL. Or if you want to spice it up, open the date with “Listen, I hate small talk. Let’s each talk about ourselves for one minute, then no more small talk the rest of the night.” Then put him on the clock.

After that, the key to breaking out of that rote “job interview” discussion is to find common ground. What are you both passionate about? Indie rock? Travel? Dogs? Tacos? Find that touchstone and use it to propel the discussion forward: what’s the best taco he’s ever had? Carnitas or al pastor? Is the Doritos Locos Taco brilliant or a crime against humanity? And “Hey, if we decide we like each other tonight, we should get tacos at [taco place you enjoy].” You learn more about a person by going in depth on a single subject than by getting a broad overview of everything.

Also, what’s with dudes who pursue someone and then just disappear after getting naked with that someone a couple of times? My first assumption is always just that I’m bad at sex. Men, please stop doing this. Just tell me you’re done so I can move on.
Thanks for your insights,
15 Weeks ’til Football

There are certainly men — I’ve been guilty of this — who consider sex to be part of the vetting process. But the more likely explanation is that for most men, their desire for sex with a woman trumps their interest in a relationship with her. It is totally shitty and unfair, and you definitely deserve a “Thanks, but I’m just not interested” phone call. That, however, is a fact of dating I can’t change. All I can tell you is: it’s not you, it’s them.

**********

Dearest Matt:
Fantasy: I’ll try not to bore you with the details of my keeper leagues setup, but essentially I need to figure out which players from my roster are poised to have top 20ish seasons: Josh Gordon (would be a lock but I imagine they will be some resolution by late August), Andrew Luck, Matt Stafford, Andre Ellington, or Julius Thomas?

I’ve seen rumors of Ellington getting 25-30 touches per game this coming season, but I find that highly improbable. Still, an increased workload would make him a tantalizing dark horse. Depending on whether Josh Gordon gets reinstated, I’d rank Stafford and Thomas as the surest bets for 2014, followed by Ellington, then Luck. (Luck is terrific and adds nice rushing value, but I’m not as smitten with him as the typical fantasy player).

Sex: I’m a 26 year old guy who has very little relationship experience and hasn’t been the most popular guy with the fairer sex. Most of my life this hasn’t been a huge deal because I’m not interested in flings and I’ve enjoyed doing whatever I wanted, which for a long time consisted of getting way too drunk and having laughs.

That lifestyle, wow raucously fun during college, started to take its toll when I found myself hungover way too much, underpeforming at my job, smoking way too much weed, wasting money, and not really making any meaningful progress towards the really worthwhile things in life. Not to mention loneliness starts to become a thing as seemingly everyone you know starts to get hitched. And I’m at the age where I would like a meaningful relationship (as mentioned earlier, casual sex is worthless too me). Plus, these are in all likelihood my most energetic years. I’d like to spend them with someone I love.

So about a year ago I started to follow your self improvement plan. I work out regularly now, cut way back on drinking, eat better than 90-95% of people I know (not really a feat in Buffalo, NY), started kicking ass in my job, and working hard towards gaining advanced education to further my career (which is really important to me).

Overall, this has done big things for my self confidence, as I know have a much clearer sense of self and what my best qualities are. However, I haven’t really seen this life momentum translate into any real progress on the dating front. I don’t get a ton of opportunities to meet women (most of my friends aren’t single), and when I do, my lack of experience seems like it prevents me from taking any real chances. I’m below average at reading signals, but even if I were to sense a girl was in to me (not a common problem for me) I wouldn’t have the first clue of how to moving things forward without coming off like a pathetic creep.

My question is, what’s the best thing to focus on the moment? Should I be finding a way to meet more girls, or do a better job with the ones I do interact with? Or if I keep working on myself (which will happen anyway, feels too good not to) will things fall in to place naturally?
Thanks,
avoidingwastedyouth

I feel like a variation of this question has appeared in the mailbag every week for three months, so I’ll keep this short: Internet dating. Get on Tinder and/or OKCupid (or Match if you’re more serious).

Also, don’t live in Buffalo.

**********

CC,
I’m in a two keeper league but had a terrible year after going all in on CJ Spiller and have no other real value to speak of. I don’t have a question, I’m just seeking sympathy from internet strangers.

I’m sorry, we’re fresh out of sympathy today. Will you settle for some derision?

Sex – I recently starting seeing someone who is smart, attractive, talented, interesting, and so far not the slightest bit annoying. She’s also been sober for a few years – she’s struggled with alcoholism in the past and has seen some bad stuff in her family. I’m not the drinker that I was in my early 20s but drinking is still a big part of my social life. I also think that few things are as fun as sharing a bottle of wine with a lady and then having some sloppy, sloppy sex.

For what it’s worth, she says she doesn’t mind being around drinking. I respect her decision and the strength it must take to be sober, but this is uncharted territory. Since your wife doesn’t drink either, do you have any insights/advice? It’s by no means a deal-breaker but I’d like to have some idea of what to expect.
Sincerely,
– A humble reader

As long as she doesn’t mind YOU drinking, enjoy it. It takes a little time to adjust to life without the social expectation of shared drunkenness, but the benefits are real: cheaper dates, all-time designated driver, and — should things ever progress to pregnancy — she doesn’t hate you for drinking while she can’t. Go forth and embrace her sobriety.

**********

Bandwagon Seahawk Fan,
Hello good sir. Sorry about that bandwagon jab, just a joke.

A joke that would perhaps cut deeper if I hadn’t been writing about my Seahawks fandom since 2006 with articles that detailed my fandom throughout the ’80s and ’90s.

Sex: My only question is what do you miss most about being single? I only ask because I hope your wife still reads this every week.

I don’t think my wife would be shocked to learn that I think the best part of being single is the freedom to sleep with new and different people. But I wouldn’t say that I miss that, because I’m not a particularly nostalgic person. Meeting and wooing someone sexy is definitely exciting in a way that marriage isn’t, but it’s also laden with the frustrating bullshit of dating.

There are other freedoms to miss, of course: more time with your friends; more drunken stupidity; more time in athletic shorts and stained t-shirts, perhaps; more time playing video games if you’re into that. For me, none of it’s preferable to having a nicer home, cooking dinner and watching Netflix with the same funny person, and sleeping next to someone I love every night. I like the steadiness, even if it makes me less fun to hang out with by the standards of twentysomethings.

Fantasy: I know it’s super duper early but I’m trying to figure out my best course of action for my Keeper league. We get to keep 2 athletes, taking them two rounds later than drafted the prior year, and can keep a guy for 4 years max. Free agents picked up during the year cannot be kept. Here are the best options I have:

-Arian Foster, round 2
-Keenan Allen, round 11 (my only certain pick)
-Jordan Cameron, round 13
-Kenny Stills, round 14

Arian Foster is the only one that was drafted prior to last year so the latter three would have every year of “eligibility” in play.

I was leaning towards Keenan Allen & Kenny Stills prior to the draft, post draft I’m thinking Keenan Allen & Jordan Cameron. Depending on draft position (determined a week prior to our draft in August) Arian Foster could be in play but I’m wary of his prior workload, injury history, etc.
Help me Captain Caveman…. you’re my only hope.
-Lorne Malvo’s Barber

Nope, you’re right to go with Allen and Cameron.

**********

Dead Capt Spaceman,
I am recently engaged, and am contemplating guest lists. I am marrying a girl from college (I am now 30) at our university cathedral. Most of the invites will be our mutual friends from college and the two towns we have lived in after college. I moved around a lot as a kid, but have stayed remotely close with a few friends from all over the country. I want them to be invited to my wedding, and I would love to see them, but I think it would but them in an awkward situation — they wouldn’t know many people, would be in a small, remote town (college is on top of a mountain in a 5,000 person town), so they wouldn’t have much else to do.

I know I won’t have much time to entertain them, so should I even bother inviting them. I don’t want them to feel compelled to come, but I don’t want them to feel slighted either. These were my best friends at some point, and I do keep in touch (text a few times a year, maybe see each other passing through on vacation). Ideally, I’d invite them, and they wouldn’t come, just so no feelings are hurt and I don’t feel nervous about entertaining.
So where do you stand on childhood friends?
buttmuffin

Invite them. They’re adults who have the ability to meet new people and make small talk. Unless they’re total morons, they have an innate understanding that they don’t get to monopolize the bride and groom just because they don’t know other guests. They’ve been to weddings before, you know?

If they say yes, THEN you can tackle the problem of where to seat them. And while the seating chart can be one of the more difficult aspects of planning a wedding, it can also be fun to plot which sets of friends you think will get along. Then, as the wedding rolls into the night and you see your childhood friends drunkenly laughing it up with your intramural Quidditch teammates, you can think, “I AM A GENIUS OF SOCIAL INTERACTION.”

**********

Note to readers: this final email was a single-paragraph, thousand-word block of text when I got it. When you read it, you’ll understand why.

Greetings captain,
Sex/relationship question: I apologize for the length but this is kind of a doozy, at least for me. I’ve never really had to deal with something quite on this level before, at least from a complication factor. I’m getting married soon. Like, next month soon. I could not be happier or more excited about it, and my fiancée and I are both tremendously in love and trust one another fully. I take a lot of pride in the trust aspect of that and believe it’s a sign of maturity and a strong relationship. However, she is the type of girl that guys just tend to fall in “love” with after meeting her for a short time. She’s very attractive and also INCREDIBLY personable, sweet and open to almost everyone she meets. On more than one occasion this has led to her having to explain to coworkers or guys she otherwise interacts with that no, she is not in fact interested in them, she’s just a nice person.

To be fair, sluts are nice people, too.

Your fiancée’s not a slut, of course; I’m just saying there’s room for confusion. For example: I’m very self-conscious about anything that could be seen as flirting with my co-workers, because I don’t want others to think of me as Pervy Married Guy. If your fiancée is constantly fending off admirers because she’s so nice to everyone, maybe she should consider dialing down the charm a little bit.

(In light of the #YesAllWomen conversation happening on Twitter, I want to make it VERY clear that I’m not faulting your fiancée’s actions at all. I’m merely pointing out that when we make a lifelong commitment to another person, we often need to re-examine our established behaviors.)

Again, I completely trust her and I think I do a very good job of politely reminding her on a regular basis that literally every guy she thinks is “sweet” wants to fuck her. She works in a very male dominant corporate job and I’ve met a lot of these guys. They are either sad techy “nice” guys or ultra-douche alpha dickheads.

Sounds like a blast.

I really wish that weren’t true, because it sounds like such a typical jealous boyfriend attitude, but sadly it has proven to be reality. Usually these scenarios revolve around dudes that we aren’t really friends with and it’s very easy to resolve. However, there is one guy at her office that I would consider us very close with. We used to hang out with he and his wife on a regular basis and I would have considered them very good friends.

Well, over the past few months this guy has been going through a divorce and having a hard time with it. My fiancée, being the ultra-supportive and wonderful person she is, is always trying to make him feel better. We’ve all gone out for drinks with him and stuff, and I actually did believe he was one of the rare guys that could be friends with my fiancée and I could trust.

Fast forward to last weekend. It was my bachelor party and my best man had done an awesome job and gotten us a beach house for a long weekend of partying. It was everything a bachelor party should be, and it was an awesome time. Before I left, my fiancée had specifically told me not to worry about her and to have an awesome time and she would talk with me when we got back. The last night of the party, I came home extremely inebriated and found an incredibly distressed text message from her saying she was so sorry to bother me but she needed to talk to me because things were not ok. Needless to say, this freaked me the fuck out. I managed to fight off my drunken haze enough to call her.

She basically explained that she and a group of work friends had gone out with this guy and all gotten drunk. They all then went back to his place to hang out and drink more. Now, she knows that this is a very precarious situation, but like I said, she’s extremely trusting. Anyway, as he gets drunker, he basically admits to my fiancée that he’s not quite as stand up a guy as we thought. He’s been cheating on his wife with TWO girls at their office that my fiancée is friends with and one of whom is fucking married and coming to our wedding.

Again, your lady’s corporation sounds really great.

He then proceeds to grab her and drag her back to his room and, not to be overly dramatic, basically attempts to rape her. She managed to get away and sneak out and that’s when she called and texted me. Sadly I didn’t have my phone on me because we were at the beach, so I didn’t see the messages until about an hour after this happened. As a guy, I’m fucking furious. Like, I don’t really know how to even control myself or react. This dude, who was supposed to be our friend, used the fact that I was out of town for my BACHELOR PARTY to try and pull this move. One of the worst parts is that she has to interact with him literally every single day at work and they are even sent on business trips together sometimes. This is not good. Not good at all.

Yeah, um, about that. Attempted rape is a crime. You should be talking to the police, not me.

Of course, he used the “I was so drunk I don’t remember anything” apology with her when he texted her the next day. Bullshit. I’ve been so drunk I don’t remember anything, and I’ve acted like an ass and regretted it the next day. 

Again: it was a crime. “Oh man, sorry about last night. I got so drunk I don’t remember anything! What? I murdered a guy? Oh well, I was drunk, what’re ya gonna do?” –> not a good legal defense

What he did clearly showed signs of premeditation. I am looking for any advice here at all on how to handle this. She did go into work and tell her boss (who’s also his boss) what happened. It just happened, and the fallout from it hasn’t even had time to occur at their office, but I’m struggling with whether I just never speak to him again and let him get fired or otherwise dealt with or whether I just follow my instinct and confront him. That seems like it has bad potential, but it also feels like I’m not doing anything if I don’t do it. Thoughts?
Signed,
I’m so fucking mad from typing this I can’t be clever

If your fiancée’s corporation is worth its salt, the H.R. department has already intervened to the point where they’re no longer working together — although given its male-heavy environment, I wouldn’t count on them to do the right thing.

Unlike most people in every comments section, I’m not a lawyer. But if it were me in your shoes, I’d be talking to the cops and pressing charges, and if there wasn’t enough evidence to prosecute, then I’d be talking to lawyers about a civil lawsuit. Doing everything you can to destroy his life and livelihood will speak much more loudly than confronting him in person — and it will do a better job of preventing him from trying to sexually assault another woman.

Hello! It’s your weekly dose of REAL TALK about life and sex and fantasy football. As always, if you have a question, email us.

Matt,
Fantasy football: Been in a league for 14 years with friends from college. Some people have come and gone, but a core of 10 dudes has been constant. We got together for a live draft in our college town a few years ago, and it was a great time. We’ve been trying to get another live draft organized, but distance and kids and all the other stuff that pops up in your early-to-mid 30s has prevented it from happening. Another guy and I started the drumbeat early for a live draft this year, in our large, fun Midwestern city, and we have commitments from most people…except our commissioner.

He claims to be unsure of his schedule, even though we’ve made multiple concessions to make it easy for him to be there. (He lives an hour away, he could easily drive in and back on the same day.) We’ve even offered to pick up any financial obligations the draft may incur, but he is still strongly indicating disinterest in a live draft. A live draft is exponentially more fun than an online draft, but without the commissioner, the whole thing falls apart.

Oh, bullshit. Does your league have bylaws that prevent a live draft without the commissioner? No? Then you can do it.

Should we just forget about the live draft? Move forward without him? Coup d’etat?

Tell him, “Okay, we’ll do an online draft.” Then you all meet and have your online draft in one big room with wi-fi and beer. If the commish can make it, cool. If not, his loss.

Sex: Happily married for almost a year. When my wife and I started dating, and for a while into our relationship, we would go out on dates and then come home and have sex. But the longer we’ve been together, our dates usually involve lots of good food and drinks, and when we get home we’d both rather digest and watch Netflix than get down to business. Our thought is, we can have sex anytime (and we do), but we only go out for a great meal once a week. This is a normal part of every relationship, right?
Thank you,
Fat & Happy

Hell yeah it is! And a good one, I’d argue. I mean, sure: it’s pretty cool to know that every date you go on will end in sex. That’s a fun point in a relationship, and it helps ensure that everyone’s wearing clean underwear and grooming their pubic hair on the regular.

But you know what’s more fun? Eating and drinking whatever you want, then coming home and putting on sweatpants. (PRO TIP: if you have sex BEFORE the date, you can have plenty of drinks without worrying about not getting a boner later.)

**********

CC,
I just broke up with my girlfriend of about two years, but I cannot begin to comprehend how much this now sucks. I feel awful, hollow, depressed. I have bad feelings of longing, that this was my best chance at happiness, but I had been harboring feelings and the decision that this was not the right girl for at least six months. Finally it came to honesty, and I didn’t see the future so I broke it off.

Well, everything I see is support for the dumped. The one who gets kicked to the curb. Here I sit, not proud of what I’ve done, not angry at her for anything she’s done, and not mocked by anyone around me, all of our mutual friends have our backs through this. But I can’t find the blueprint for the feelings of mourning from the one in the relationship who called it off.

What do I do to help get through this shitty mess of a disaster I cause on my life?

Let’s dial down the drama, Tyra.

I’m not ready to start dating but I want to have sex with the next thing walking by with nothing hanging between it’s legs. That can’t be the healthy alternative either, right?

Wrong. That’s perfectly healthy, and the natural reaction to being newly single. Like, how else are you supposed to feel? “Ooh, I just broke up with my girlfriend and I can’t wait to emotionally connect with someone in a monogamous relationship!”

For reference, I’m 28, live in a suburb outside of Philly, so there’s a small-town mentality that can really fuck with the situation. Bumping into her the other night by accident just made me feel like I bottomed out my insides. But what I can’t understand is I still think about how shitty this feels every day and yet I’m the one who broke up with her.

Any advice would kick ass and help me process this along.
Sincerely,
AC Slayer

This whole thing you’re doing — “What about MY sadness?!?” — is a bad look. You made a decision to improve your happiness, so be happy already. The reason there’s no “blueprint for mourning  from the one in the relationship who called it off” is because those people are all out having fun.

You need to mourn? Listen to sad music and drink a bottle of wine. Otherwise I’d suggest celebrating the fact that you made a decision that benefits both you and your ex-girlfriend in the long run.

**********

Hey Captain,
Sex: I haven’t had a serious girlfriend in 7-8 years (it sucks A LOT, I know), though I have gone on occasional dates. I’ve been on Match for a while and found a girl who seems to like me. We just went on our second date and I realized a problem about myself, which I’m hoping you can provide advice on.

I have this bad habit of over-thinking EVERYTHING. As in, “Oh, you had a lovely chat with her yesterday on the phone? Quick, start imagining an entire future and house with her and your 2.5 kids!” or “Oh, there was silence for a few seconds during the second date or she hasn’t texted you back yet? She clearly wants nothing to do with you and you’re going to die alone, ha ha ha you unloved loser!” When I had the serious girlfriends before, back in college, calling was way more mainstream than texting (a pre-smartphone era), so I’m not used to texting someone you like and accepting that the answer MAY show back up immediately or an hour/two later. I can do fine with texting guy and girl friends, but when I’m INTERESTED in a girl, every stupid nuance and word choice in things I’ve sent or she has gets overthought in my brain. Has she not texted you back within an hour? Welp, she’s done with you and never wants to see you again. (She of course texted me back 15-20 minutes later, having been napping).

I mean, I just spent the train ride back from the date to my apartment moping because it didn’t end perfectly slash there was silence for a few points during the date, comma, oh my gosh (she’s totally done with me). We talked fine on the date for most of it (baseball game), and a large part of me KNOWS that the silence happened because we were sitting in the sun for 3 hours and we were both wiped out, and we kissed goodbye, and she texted me back tonight, but there’s still part of me filled with self-doubt. Any suggestions on turning my brain off? Or if that’s a legit “go see a shrink” question, any advice on dealing with the texting thing?
Thanks,
Dealing with Self-Doubt

Listen, folks: I want to help you. And I’m happy to deliver the occasional pep talk when the situation calls for it. 

But not for you, DSD. If I wanted to dole out advice to teenage girls I’d work for Seventeen. And I’m not trying to be cruel: if you and I were hanging out over beers and you told me your story, I’d say, “Oh, shut the fuck up and RELAX.”

It’s not just that confidence is sexy; the absence of it is a HUGE turn-off. “Oh, but Matt, I can’t just snap my fingers and become confident.” AU CONTRAIRE:

The concept is simple: faking it till you make it means pretending you totally know what you’re doing and acting confident about it, even though you have no idea what you’re doing.

Who said there was something wrong with false confidence? Besides, the whole second half of faking it till you make it is to then go learn whatever skill you lack confidence in. The point is not to just pretend to be something you’re not all the time, that would be lying. The point is to pretend to be confident while you actually work on being confident.

This is the secret to life: You don’t have to be confident to act confident. And if you act confident, you’ll become confident.

The other option is to be Woody Allen, and that guy’s a fucking child molester.

**********

Cap’n,
About an hour ago I was at the mall, and at one store was a clerk who was an absolute vision. I was instantly intrigued and was purchasing something anyway, which allowed for some small talk at the register. My issue is that I couldn’t tell this woman’s age range for the life of me. She may have been 26. She may have been 19. It really was that difficult. I’m 32 and don’t want to date under 25 at the youngest, “half plus seven” rule be damned. I especially don’t want to be the creep who asks out a someone a year removed from high school when I could legally be president in three years (there’s still time!).

Is there a tactful way to gauge an unknown woman’s age before asking her to coffee or whatever? This applies to waitresses, bank tellers, etc. On the way home I considered a “you look familiar — what high school did you go to?. . . oh ok, what year?” approach, but that seems hacky and transparent.

And lame. Don’t forget lame.

This situation has occurred more frequently than one might think, given my slightly advanced age in the dating game, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna catch side-eye in the Gap for asking some girl out the week after her quinceañera.
Signed,
It Was One Hundred And Six Fucking Degrees In Phoenix Today

You’ve got curious parameters. Like, you don’t want to date anyone under 25, but you’re interested in sales clerks and waitresses? Typically, the whole point of being selective about age is to find someone with more life experience and more established in a career. And while I value the people who work in the service industry, I don’t think “sales clerk” is anyone’s ideal career. (And if we’re being mean, a 26-year-old sales clerk may have less potential for success than a 19-year-old one.)

If you’re attracted to someone and want to ask them out, ask them out. Age is nothing but a number, etc. Personally, though, if I were you, I’d worry less about being perceived as The Guy Asking Out A Too-Young Woman, and more about being The Guy Who’s Asking Out Someone Who’s Being Paid To Be Nice To Him.

**********

Hey Cap’n.
Fantasy: I have a quick keepers question since I’m having a hard time deciding on who to use my last keeper spot on (Alshon & Jordan Cameron are my other 2). I was going to keep D-Jax for a 7th rounder, but with the trade to Washington I just don’t think that he’s worth it anymore. My other options are to keep either the Chiefs D or Joique Bell for a 15th (both were free agents). What do you think is the better option?

Ehhhh… I’m not in love with any of those options. The Chiefs D will still get sacks, but will regress some in turnovers and a lot in touchdowns. I suppose Bell for a 15th is solid value, but I think I’d rather have RG3′s top target for a 7th. You’re right to think he’ll lose value on the Redskins because the Redskins ruin everything, but DJax in the 7th is still a sweet deal.

Sex: My wife and I have been married for 2 years now, but things have deteriorated between us to the point that I don’t think I’m in love with her anymore. She has almost zero sense of responsibility to the point that I have to pay for all of our bills, even things like her parking tickets which will sit unpaid and rack up additional fines unless I pay them. It’s not just that I’m making significantly more money than her, it’s that I’m working constantly at a job I hate to support the two of us while she makes almost nothing working as an artist. And on top of that, she is incredibly selfish and almost never does anything for me without complaining the entire time.

I think the worst part of it is that I’m constantly being used as an emotional crutch for her. Her family had a pretty big tragedy almost 3 years ago, and ever since then it seems like she can’t handle even the smallest things without crying and needing me to talk her down. I know it sounds insensitive, but after years of this I just can’t with the small trivial stuff all the time. I get stressed out about work too, but I don’t expect her to comfort me for 30 minutes in the middle of the day, you know?

I’ve tried talking to her about these things, but every time it just ends with her upset and me apologizing. It’s honestly just getting to the point that I just don’t care anymore and I’m not happy at all. I guess any advice that you can send my way would be great.
Thanks,
Lost & Confused.

I’m a fan of marriage vows and their “for better or for worse, ’til death do us part” thing. You did, after all, sign up for life with your wife after this terrible tragedy occurred (which, by the way, you totally could have elaborated on at least a little bit because this is an anonymous forum. What’s the tragedy? House fire? Murder? My imagination is fixated on that particular chimera instead of your marriage. LET ME INTO YOUR LIFE).

That said, not every marriage is a smart life decision, and not every troubled marriage can be saved with open and honest communication, which yours seems to be lacking. And that’s why God invented marriage counselors. Go see one!

p.s. For future reference, only marry successful artists. (Mariah Carey: yes. Charles Bukowski: no.)

Via CVG

 

Awwwww yeah it’s mailbag time! By which I mean: I have finished watching the World Cup for the day, and can now finally turn my attention to actual work. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Covered in this week’s ‘bag: keepers, mourning a fling ended by geography, rookie quarterbacks, adjusting to life after long-distance relationships, more keepers, and balancing cohabitation with interests you don’t share. Got questions for next week’s bag? Hit us up at kissingsuzykolber of the gmail variety. Let’s party. 

Greetings from Indonesia!
Been married for 3 years and blessed with a beautiful baby girl. My question is not about friend zone or anal, for a change. So I occasionally buy somewhat expensive things for the wife, but she don’t seem to show much appreciation. In the past 6 months alone, I’ve gotten her a new car, an IPhone 5s (costs almost $1000 here, blah), and a decent ring.

Whereas the only thing I’ve gotten for myself is a cheap guitar (I’m just starting out so cheap works), and well I guess the car’s for the both of us. She says thanks, but still I keep hearing about how I didn’t get her anything nice for her birthday several months ago (I did take her to an OK dinner). So how do I get her to appreciate instead of highlighting the things I didn’t do?

This one’s easy and difficult all at once. You can:

(A) not buy your wife nice things she doesn’t appreciate, and/or

(B) make sure you buy her nice things on her birthday.

I’ve been in a similar situation with my wife. The first year that we were together, I sent flowers to her work on Valentine’s Day with a note that read “Don’t expect this every year” because I hate Valentine’s Day. I take offense that there’s a corporation-induced societal cue to be romantic. I want to get my wife flowers regularly and on a whim, pleasantly surprising her after a bad day or for no reason whatsoever. I explained all of this to her, and I was met with weepy, animé eyes. See, she really likes getting flowers on Valentine’s Day.

So, fuck it. Now she gets flowers on Valentine’s Day along with the other times throughout the year I want to spontaneously treat her. Sometimes romance is just checking the box.

Obviously, new cars and Indonesian iPhones are pricier than lilies, but the point’s the same: with a little bit of communication, you can express your feelings about the gifts you’ve gotten her, while also gaining a better understanding that she wanted something more than dinner on her birthday, which is really special to her even though her mother did all the work. (“Way to get shoved out of a vagina, here’s an iPhone.”)

On fantasy, it’s a bit early I guess to ask anything specific. Generally in an auction draft, do you advocate spending 85% of your budget on 2-3 proven players and the rest on whoever’s leftovers, or spread the budget more evenly? I do the former, usually injuries kick my ass and it hurts like hell.
Thanks for the sage advice.
I Named My Cat Barkevious

So if you do something that continuously doesn’t work, maybe it’s time to try something else.

**********

what’s happenin?!?

football first: won my league for the first time ever, with some baller moves. here’s the briefest recap…

Nah. I’ll just delete that part for the readers’ sake.

so, here i sit upon champeen mountain, ruminating. i have everything but a first round pick in a 2 QB/3 keeper league. brees will cost my 2nd; peyton, my third. also on bench are b. marshall (2nd in ’13), knowshon (waiver pickup, would cost my rd 17 pick), not really anybody else worth mentioning.

i’m thinking keep brees, peyton & knowshon. i’m sure i could get the 1st rd pick (and more) back for either QB. but it’s been a keeper league for a couple years now. slim pickings at the top of the draft, especially in light of the 2 QB thing. lots of savvy GMs. and i essentially won out by virtue of having the top two passers. WWKSKD?

Not play in a 2-QB league, for starters.

So, I’m not sure if you can keep both Brees and Marshall, since they both cost you second-round picks. But if you can, I’d rather have Marshall than Moreno. Moreno was a top running back last year, but I have serious doubts that he’ll produce in the Dolphins offense like he did in the Broncos (at the very least, it’s unlikely he’ll be scoring as many touchdowns). Marshall is a proven commodity, a fantasy stud in a dangerous offense. Even with the disparity in picks from 2nd to 17th, I’d take the sure thing over the question mark (if you can, of course — your QBs take priority).

sex question: my lady is down with introducing a second lady to the mix. we both view the inclusion of a third party as “just for fun, like toys”. pros/cons to the second lady being one i have previously “known”?
regards and construda,
clever username

Pros: you get to have sex with someone you’ve had sex with before. Memories!

Cons: Fucking an ex with your girlfriend is typically not a relationship booster. I’m no expert in this matter, but everything I’ve read on MFF threesomes indicates that your tryst is best served by a female that your girlfriend or wife hits it off with, and it’s best when that third party is a stranger or acquaintance.

**********

Dear Captain of Sage Advice,

Sexy time (But really the opposite): Quick background. I’m a young twenties guy who spent the last month and a half with a girl who was great. We hung out all the time, everything was top notch, but we never started “dating” because we knew there was an end date when she had to move away for her job. We’re both young and pretty reasonable and knew there was no chance for us to have a relationship, at least in the foreseeable future. But here’s where my question/dilemma comes in. If there’s never really a break-up,should I still follow the Ufford Post Breakup Rules of cutting off contact?

No.

At first it seemed like an easy no. I enjoyed getting to chat with her, she’s a great person, and of course it’s always nice to have that attention of someone you know that likes you.

But now I’m rethinking everything after about two weeks of chatting. Talking with her is still nice, but it just makes me miss her (Feelings are lame sometimes.) Although we spent such a short period of time together, I ended up getting a lot more attached to her than I could have anticipated (those feelings were/are reciprocated.) So each day I switch between, “it’s so great being able to stay in touch” and “wow, talking with you just reminds me that you aren’t here and that sucks.” I guess talking frequently may be hindering my ability to move on, but I also don’t want to completely forget her or shut her out of my life because the only thing that ever went wrong was she had to move away.

Which is why you shouldn’t do the break-up plan. You like talking to her. So keep talking to her.

Additional piece of info that may be pertinent: She just started her active duty in the Army (in the States) and while she seems to be handling it very well, I just feel like there’s an added level of douchery if I was to cut her out or even cut back contact with her. I support our troops!

With your penis! That’s more than most civilians are doing. Bravo, sir.

And she has mentioned to me that being able to chat has helped her with the transition of moving and meeting new people and such.

So what’s the course of action for me here? If your advice is to cut back or cutoff contact, what’s a good way to go about doing so in a situation such as this?

Help me obi wan, you’re my only hope,
Sexy Rexy Strikes Back

Here’s the awesome thing about being single in your early 20s: you can be totally into someone who’s in another state and still date casually. Like, you guys are into each other, so go ahead and FaceTime and Skype and take road trips on holiday weekends for that hot young-person sex. But that doesn’t mean you have to date exclusively. After all, as a woman in the military, she’s got her pick of strapping, virile young men around her.  There’s no reason for either of you to go without a little companionship here and there if you’re keeping a casual long-distance fling.

And if you decide that you like each other so much that you want to get more serious, well, you’re young and idealistic enough to think a long-distance relationship is a good idea. (It’s not, but it will fill you with love and longing, and you can listen to emo music and feel all artistic and shit.)

So just relax and enjoy it. Keep communicating with her as much as you like — and by all means, meet up when you can — but be realistic about your dating life.

**********

Dear KSK,
Fantasy: I joined a long time keeper league last year & took over an abandoned team. I was able to take the abandoned last place team and win the whole league last year. Boo ya!

Now I’m faced with keepers. Standard scoring 12 team league with a bunch of flex spots (QB, RB, RB/WR, RB/WR, WR/TE, WR/TE). Each team is allowed up to 6 keepers, with each keeper costing a draft pick (1 keeper, you give up 1st round pick. 6 keepers, you give up all your picks through round 6). I’m having a tough time deciding on my 6th keeper. Obvious keepers include: Eddie Lacey, Brandon Marshall, Vincent Jackson, Zac Stacy & Reggie Bush.

That’s quite a haul.

I’ve considered giving up the keeper for a pick in the 6th round but we do our draft like the NFL instead of snake style. Since I won the league last year, I’m picking last in every round. Should I use my 6th keeper on Roddy White, Joique Bell (Bush handcuff) or Danny Amendola (hahaha just kidding, I will never own Danny Amendola again)? I can also keep Tony Romo or Jay Cutler but I highly doubt they have 6th round value for a keeper league.

Are you kidding? Romo at the end of the 6th is great value. Romo was 10th in the NFL in FPPG last year, and even ol’ J-Cutty is a solid investment with Alshon and Marshall catching jump balls from anywhere on the field.

Also: Do you have any thoughts on this draft style compared to snake style? 

I don’t love the NFL-style draft, because the NFL isn’t re-drafting the entire lot of skill players every year. The savviest NFL teams might get two or maybe three immediate starters out of the NFL draft — fantasy players are drafting entire teams. A fantasy league not using a snake draft unfairly punishes the people who drafted well last year.

Of course, with your league having as many as six keepers, I guess that dulls the point of my argument. Whatever, I still don’t like it.

If you were drafting a rookie quarterback to start for you in a keeper league, who would you pick?

I wouldn’t want any rookie to start for my fantasy team. I suppose I’d go Manziel for immediate upside (assuming he eventually wins the job), but I like Bridgewater’s chances as a pro, too. (“Bortles?” you ask. No.)

Sex: My girlfriend has recently moved to my town after doing the Long Distance thing (relatively long distance, no more hour long car drive to bookend every weekend!) for a year and a half. It’s been a few months now living in the same town and things have gone really well. We’ve been able to transition from seeing each other only during the weekends to spending the majority of our time together. We’ve planted a garden together,

spent time playing video games (Few things better in life than those gold stars in Super Mario Galaxy) & general tasks that come with moving into a new home. Weeknight sex is pretty great, too.

The only thing I miss is having week nights alone to myself to do whatever I want. This mostly entails playing my own video games that she doesn’t like. Madden, GTA V (She walked in on a particularly violent cutscene one time. I had to use a bunch of different instruments to torture a guy & she wasn’t a huge fan.)

I mean, the mid-torture selfie just wasn’t necessary.

are my go-to games as of late. I don’t think “Hey babe, I enjoy our time together but I gots to have ME TIME!” would go over all too great, especially if I told her my ME TIME consisted of mostly video games. I’m not looking to spend every day away from her, just the weeknight or two. What is the best way to approach the subject without coming off as a huge selfish asshole?

Thanks!
Majestic

Wait, so are you guys living together, or in different homes in the same town? It’s not quite clear to me. Because if you have different apartments (or houses, whatever), then it’s reasonable enough to ask for one or two nights a week to yourself.

But if you’ve living together, AHAHAHAHAHA welcome to cohabitation. “Me time” exists when your girlfriend chooses to do something without you (or when you make plans with friends). When you live together, there’s no “Beat it, babe, I gotta play some Madden.” I mean, you’re welcome to try that, but you should already be thanking your lucky stars you have a girlfriend who plays video games with you.

But basically, this is your life now. Your interests are the interests you share with your partner. And the stuff that you like that she doesn’t? That gets shoehorned into every minute that you’re by yourself in the home. As I write this, my wife is on her way back to California for a long weekend with friends and family, and — once I finish my to-do list — I’ve got a nice little list of stuff that only I like on the DVR. Hell, I might go REALLY crazy and go see that Tom Cruise Groundhog War movie. That’s life as half of a partnership: you get limited opportunities to be selfish about your interests. It can suck at times, but it’s generally better than dying alone.

Getty Image

Last Saturday, in between binges of World Cup soccer, I went to the park with my dog in an effort to get some Vitamin D. So I laid down in a little patch of grass next to some shade for my dog, and I saw – because my head is on a swivel for these things — an adorable puppy. I was about to move in to pet it when I noticed that the owners were two gay men just starting to fight.

“Ooh! A fight!” I thought. “How fun!” I settled in for some eavesdropping.

“How could you not let me know where you were!” said the first one, with hushed intensity. 

“I told you, I had to go to the bathroom,” said the second.

“YOU WERE GONE FOR HALF AN HOUR!”

Apparently, the pissed-off lover had expected his boyfriend to use the port-a-john a two-minute walk away. He had instead opted for the brick-and-mortar option a 10-minute walk away.

“Why did you go all the way over THERE?” the angry guy hissed.

In the smallest voice possible: “I had to take a shit.”

If the pooper had hoped for some sympathy here, he was out of luck. His boyfriend merely selected another slight: “And how can you just saunter back here and not even apologize for being gone so long?”

It continued on this way for minutes: the hysterical man upset that his boyfriend had been out of sight for 30 minutes, and the poor guy who had made the mistake of thinking his partner was sane. I had listened in on something I wanted to be salacious, and instead found it depressing. Like, this guy could have just texted, “Hey, where are you?” after a few minutes and gotten an immediate explanation. Instead, he chose to sit and stew and be pissed off so that he could spend a beautiful sunny day at the park arguing with his boyfriend.

All couples fight. But most people have the ability, when in public, to simmer quietly until they get home to have it out. The inability to do this comes from a near-pathological insecurity and distrust of the person they supposedly love. Please, take it from someone who spent all five hours of a transcontinental flight trying to reason with an insane person: DO NOT DATE PEOPLE WHO START FIGHTS IN PUBLIC.

Okay. On to your mail.

KSK,
Fantasy football: What’s your take on drafting multiple guys from the same team? Somebody won my league last year by drafting or picking up every significant Bronco (plus Jamaal Charles in the first round) and getting double TD’s pretty much every time they scored. He basically forfeited his bye week, but it won him the championship. I doubt my league will let this happen again and the Denver offense will be distributed across the league like any other, but what are your thoughts on, for instance, drafting Brandon Marshall, Alshon and Cutler or Julio, Roddy and Matt Ryan (or something like this with another team)?

The “accidental bye week” can be a worthwhile move in that it gives you a full-strength roster the rest of the season. And if that’s a result of you having a bunch of players on the same team, I’m all for it — as long as it’s the right team. Broncos and Bears? Sure. The Bucs next season? Possibly. The Jets or Raiders? No. Let common sense be your guide.

Sex: My girlfriend of 5 years who I love very much and plan to propose to just found out her mom has breast cancer. Aside from the standard “just be there for her” stuff, how the hell do I handle this? I’m fortunate enough to have not dealt with very much loss in my life thus far and have no idea what to do. Her family lives a couple thousand miles away and she’s a very busy grad student, so she doesn’t really have the opportunity to go home for any significant amount of time.
Signed,
Fuck Cancer.

There isn’t much to do besides “just be there for her,” unfortunately. My only recommendation is that you stress to your girlfriend that “mom with cancer” is more important than grad school. Not that she needs to drop out of school to be there for every chemo treatment, but she needs to log time with her mom if things take a turn for the worse. She’ll never regret waiting a year to finish her master’s; she’ll always wish she had more time with her mother. If that means taking out another line of credit to fly your girlfriend out there, so be it. It’ll be worth it. 

**********

Dear Matthew,
I do not have a fantasy football question, because it is June 15th, but it also happens to be Father’s Day, so perhaps a Father’s Day question in lieu of a fantasy football question would suffice.

Sure. Let’s live a little.

I have several friends/family members who happen to be fathers and it’s not uncommon for someone to ask if I wished them a happy Father’s Day. My general response is, “Why would I? He’s not my father.” This has started a debate amongst my friends about whether Father’s/Mother’s Day is about ALL fathers and mothers or simply your own. While not an important matter either way, it has always been my contention that I owe no well wishes to any father or mother except my own. Other friends disagree and it happens to be about a 50/50 split on the matter. Care to weigh in on the matter?

You’re right: you don’t owe a “Happy Father’s Day!” to anyone but your own dad. But if you happen to see one of your friends with kids, it’s certainly a nice gesture. “Hey, happy Father’s Day, man” isn’t putting you out, you know? It’s hardly worth a debate; just be kind to your friends.

Sex: I went on a date earlier this week that progressed well enough that she decided to stay the night. Everything throughout the evening was very positive, up until about 6am when I woke up and discovered my boxers were very wet. I went into the bathroom and determined the moisture was urine. However, given the placement of the urine on my boxers, I could also say with certainty that it was not MY URINE. My date had pissed my bed. (While not relevant to your response, for the sake of the readers, it’s is worth noting that this is a first date.)

Awwww: first date, drunk-to-the-point-of-bedwetting sex. I see this relationship going places.

Anyway, I could not return to my open side of the bed because it had been soiled, but I also wanted to save her the embarrassment of pointing it out and save me the awkwardness of that confrontation. I was able to find a dry spot on the bed directly behind her, where I slept for another hour before heading off to work. I allowed her to continue sleeping and let herself out so that I wouldn’t be there when she discovered what she had done.

She later texted me saying that she had let herself out and that she put my sheets in the wash because she had “gotten a lot of makeup on them,” which is actually a pretty good cover given that she has no idea whether or not the incident occurred before or after I had already gotten out of bed.

“I, um, wear full-body makeup.”

My question is, did I handle this correctly? Is it best to just let her keep some dignity and act like it never happened? Should that be an automatic dealbreaker even if the rest of the date went well? Is there a standard protocol on what to do or how to react if a new partner pisses your bed? Various friends have wondered whether the culprit should be asked to purchase new sheets/mattress. While that seems a bit extreme to me, what say you?

I hope this never happens again, but I would like to be more prepared if I’m not so lucky.
Stay Trill,
Matt

Of course you handled it correctly. I’ve never drunkenly peed in my bed  – much less a sexual partner’s — but I can easily imagine the shame and embarrassment one would feel in such a scenario, particularly after a first date.

Don’t ask her to buy you a new mattress and sheets; that would make you a dick (“Thanks for being awesome enough to sleep with me; that’ll be $500″). Your sheets will be fine, just wash them. You can clean your mattress with a mixture of hydrogen peroxide, dish soap, and baking soda — use the ratio here. 

As for whether or not this is a dealbreaker, that’s really up to you. This is the sort broadly comic farce that’s just as good as a dating mishap story as it is a late-night roast during your wedding weekend (“She pissed my bed on our first date!”). Who hasn’t done something regrettable while drunk? If you like her — if you had fun on the date and you liked the sex — why not see her again? If it goes well, you can eventually let her know that you know about her dirty secret. 

**********

Dear KSK,

I am a 26 year old deadbeat with a useless bachelor’s degree who has made innumerable stupid decisions in my lifetime. Several years ago (and I mean SEVERAL), I dated someone who was without question the perfect woman for me. I fucked it all up by way of said stupid decisions, and she bailed. I don’t blame her for this at all, but I’ve never gotten over it. Due to some royal fuckery, I now have no way whatsoever of contacting her, nor would I if I did because she made her wishes very clear.

I’ve got a problem with your wording up there: “the perfect woman for me.” There are billions of people on the planet, and none of them are truly “perfect” for you. There are, however, countless ones that you can have a happy and fulfilling life with.

I haven’t dated anyone since, and the sex that I have managed to have was horribly unfulfilling and not at all worth it. I’ve since decided to remove myself from the dating pool as I have nothing to offer anyone.

Well, with that kind of confidence, I’m not surprised you weren’t a hotter ticket in the dating pool.

I’ve accepted that I’m just too fucked in the head to put another woman through my periodic insanity. I went through a period where I went from a chubby fellow, to a 140 pound 6’3″ skeleton, and then gained over double my weight in the next 2 years. I’ve since gotten myself on track more or less, I quit using illegal drugs over a year and a half ago, started dieting and working out.

Good! That’s a really hard thing to do for a lot of people.

My solvable problem is employment. I’ve been without a job for over 2 years, and while I’ve sent out hundreds of resumes, I’ve only gotten one interview which I nailed (still chose the more qualified applicant, as would I). So I’ve gone from wanting an entry level career, to needing any job that I can possibly get.

I’ve lost any semblance of confidence over the years, and while I fake it nicely for an interview, doing so in daily life is not working. I’ve talked to my closest friends about it (read: all two of them) and their responses have been “man up, and kill yourself like you want in 6 months if you haven’t made any progress”

 

and “keep plugging away, someone will give you a shot.”

A friend has also suggested I play guitar in shitty bars (I play simple shit and sing, both very moderately), however I have this once repressed experience combined with my lack of confidence that prevents that in my mind. To make a long story short (too late!), I was an absurdly shy child who was forced to play for the class in a music class by the teacher for speaking during instruction (which I didn’t even do, her hearing was fucked and she blamed me). It was extremely humiliating, and as I’ve grown as a musician, I’ve shrunk away from any performance in front of others.

Buddy, I want to help, but is there an abridged version I can read?

I have a place to stay thanks to a pair of parents who love me far more than they should, but I’m running out of ways to disappoint them and myself. I suppose my meandering bullshit has led to the very general questions of “am I fucked in the head for chopping off any chance of a relationship in the future?”, and “can I do anything I’m not to get a goddamn job beyond lying on a resume?” Therapy isn’t an option since I obviously have no insurance.

www.healthcare.gov

I suppose I’m just looking for input from someone who isn’t worried about being harsh. Sure, the first friend I mentioned was, but he still thinks I can be motivated by anger, and I’m just not an angry person anymore. I know this is absurdly long and boorish, and I apologize, but what the hell.

- let the motherfucker burn

Okay, so the standard “I am not a licensed anything” disclaimer applies here, but I feel pretty confident that you suffer from depression. And not just “You need some exercise and a job” depression, but actual “your brain chemistry is off and you need a prescription” depression. Your parents LOVE you. Tell them that you need help.

The road to mental health isn’t short or easy, and you’ve got some additional obstacles that will further test your resolve. But overcoming obstacles is EVERY human’s story line (unless you’re an heiress, but they’re not really human). Life can be whittled down to two kinds of events: (1) surviving shit you don’t like in order to (2) do things you love. Everything else is noise.

So start dividing life into two categories: shit you need to get through, and shit you want to do. If a problem seems too big, break it into smaller problems that are more manageable. 

You want to make music? Play the guitar in front of a webcam and put it on YouTube (NOTE: turn comments off). Share it with your friends. Do things you like. Make things. Take a shitty job you know you’ll hate and work hard at it. Keep trying, and keep trying, and then work harder. Life is absolutely worth it, and it’s too short to do anything else. Please: get help, and fight on.

I moved last week. It sucked in the general way that moves tend to suck: the stress of packing your belongings away, of throwing away things you’re attached to but know you don’t need; the various hiccups of finding a new place and movers to get you there; cleaning the old apartment of dust and memories. Not counting my college years, it was my 16th move in 35 years, and it was largely unremarkable. It would feel familiar to anyone who’s moved from one building to a nicer, newer one.

But one aspect of this move was different from the first 15 times: for the first time in my life, I moved with someone. My wife had moved into my apartment shortly before we got engaged, but we’d never actually moved together. And here is the fundamental difference: when you move as a single man, the stress ends when the movers leave. You’re in a new place, you set up your TV, and you’re good. You will unpack the boxes when you need the items inside, a process that can take anywhere from 6 to 27 months.

When you move as half of a couple, though, the end of the move is only the beginning of creating a new home. There is a nest to build. You unpack boxes on a schedule approaching “adult.” And most importantly, you must replace the bookshelves, dressers, and other furniture that you donated, sold, or simply threw out during the move because it “didn’t look nice.” The nest needs new furnishings that look nice and match and make friends coo with appreciation. (At our old place, we once had another couple over for brunch, and my friend’s girlfriend said the dining room “looked like a West Elm catalogue.” I have rarely seen my wife happier.)

And so you go to IKEA, because you can’t afford anything in the West Elm catalogue.

IKEA: monolithic big-box purveyor of mid-shelf furniture designed to last until you can afford better things or more IKEA furniture, whichever comes first (more IKEA furniture always comes first). It is the furniture of renters, of transients, of aspiring young professionals, of the middle class, of anyone cutting corners in home décor. IKEA casts a wide net and draws the gullible into its showroom, a variety of kitchens and bedrooms and open studio apartments decorated with stylish but sterile IKEA products. The assembled products draw your gaze, and the reasonable costs make you think, “Yeah, our bathroom could look like this.”

That’s your fatal error. Because the showroom spits you out into the bowels of The Killing Floor, so named for the domestic spats it spawns. There is no sheen here, no promise of What Your Home Might Be — only stacks of rolled-up rugs, curtains layered on curtains, mirrors wrapped in cardboard stacked to the ceiling. That $400 credenza that looked so appealing in the showroom? It is six pieces of particle board and some wooden dowels packed into a cardboard box with the density of a neutron star, and your life will devolve into a maze of pictograms and Allen wrenches before it reaches its promised form.

That is, IF you can get that unwieldy box to your home. The lines at IKEA run deep and slow, and any Job who survives that trial must then transport his purchases home. This is hard enough if you’re carrying everything to your SUV, but nigh-impossible for the average carless New Yorker. And so you trudge your oversize cart spilling with rugs and rods and unbuilt credenzas to Home Delivery, where there will often be as many as one employee working on a busy Sunday. And you wait in line for two more hours, and you agree to accept delivery five days from now of the things you bought today, and you pay extra for that, and that delivery arrives incomplete and outside the window they promised to deliver it, because God is a lie and corporations are people – careless, cruel, powerful people who don’t need you and will only celebrate the loss of your business by screwing over others like you.

IKEA is fucking terrible.

So yeah, if you and your significant other can make it through IKEA, you’ll be okay. Here are your emails:

Matt,

Marriage: I just got married on April 26. Things have been fantastic so far. I know it won’t always be this way and I’m dreading that. I know I’m not enjoying the present as much because I’m already stressing the fact that there’s no way we keep this up. I really love my wife and I’m afraid there will be a point when I don’t love her as much. I’m assuming this is sort of normal, but I’d like some assurance that I’m not the only person in the world that has these thoughts.

Seems normal enough to me, if misguided. You’ve got the rest of your life to be stressed out about bullshit as it happens. Relax and enjoy things now, before children and your decaying body destroy your happy youth.

Football: I get to keep 6 players from my roster (no draft picks lost or anything like that, so I can keep whomever I like with no penalty). It’s a deep 18 team league and that’s one of the reasons I was competitive even if my team looks like crap on paper. There’s no harm in keeping someone even if they aren’t expected to perform next season, as long as they have a promising career. I figure Cam Newton, Wes Welker, and Antonio Brown are 3 obvious keepers. Need 3 more from this group: Lamar Miller, Darren McFadden, MJD, Pierre Thomas, Kendall Wright, Greg Olsen, Hakeem Nicks, Reggie Wayne, Coby Fleener, and Justin Blackmon (realize he might never play another game). Please help, my wise friend.
– Daniil

Blech. Maybe Hakeem Nicks? Pierre Thomas if it’s a PPR league? The options you’ve given me are the same ones I get when I’m searching for a flex option on Sunday morning: which of these assholes can get me 7 fantasy points today? Don’t bother thinking about it too much, it’s not gonna matter.

Hey!

I’ve been a voracious reader of KSK for like six years now, although I’ve never commented or written in, but it’s a weeknight and I’m kinda drunk (noooo USMNT…) so I figured now is as good a time as any to KONTRIBUTE KONTENT to my favorite NFL site.

Fantasy first: Due to a recently instituted keeper rule, I have the opportunity to hold on to Eddie Lacy in return for a last-round pick (13th or 14th, I think). Which I’m obviously going to do. This throws off my normal drafting strategy, however — usually, I’d pick up a top-flight RB in the first round and follow that up with the best RB/WR available in the second, waiting to draft a QB until the third or even fourth round. This process has worked out for me — sort of — to the tune of winning my league two out of six years, and only placing lower than fifth once. How should I alter the process now that I have a quality RB in my pocket to begin with? Should this be the year I roll with Rodgers or Peyton in the first round?

I hate, hate, hate this “X position in Y round” strategy. Because so much of it depends on where in a round you pick — especially in the early rounds. Like, you can say you want a top-flight RB in the first round, but what if you pick 12th? I’d rather have Aaron Rodgers there than Le’Veon Bell. But if you pick 3rd, then Jamaal Charles is an obvious choice over Peyton Manning.

I say this every year: make a ranking of the top 100 players on your draft board. It forces you to make tough decisions ahead of time: would you rather have Doug Martin or Calvin Johnson at 8? Dez Bryant or Brandon Marshall? Peyton Manning or A.J. Green? Then, once you have your rankings laid out, go through a couple of mock drafts online with Eddie Lacy already penciled into your roster. With some practice, you’ll find some balance between “best available” and “positional need.” 

Now sex: A few weeks ago, I went out on the town, met up with some friends and ended up coming home with a shockingly attractive acquaintance. (I had met her a couple times before, but didn’t really know anything about her.) After an entirely enjoyable night, I then woke up to a raging hangover and her telling me that she had a boyfriend. Whoops.

I felt like an asshole about that — still kinda do — and I was perfectly willing to cut my losses and move on, but after I semi-awkwardly avoided her the next time we ran into each other out (same circle of friends, happens fairly regularly), she got in touch with me, saying that it had been weird between us and that she didn’t want it to be.

Since then, we’ve been chatting with each other pretty regularly. Nothing lewd or even all that flirty, but we’re talking a good deal more than most people would in this situation, I think. That wouldn’t be a problem ordinarily, but it turns out she’s cool as shit and I’m sort of starting to develop a pretty worrisome crush on her.

My question(s): I already feel like the bad guy in this situation. How far do I need to keep my distance from her in order to feel like I’m doing the right thing? Should I cut off ties completely or just try to avoid hanging out with her for too long on any given evening? Keep in mind that we’re probably going to see each other out most weekends no matter what, unless we just divest ourselves of our closest friends. I’m caught between being scared something would happen if we were drunk and alone together and really wanting something to happen, but in the long run I’d prefer to keep my conscience (and hers) intact. What do you think?

Oh yeah, the girl who cheated on her boyfriend then kept her hooks in the guy she cheated with is just OOZING with conscience. 

You’re getting played. You’re on her back burner, a reserve to be called up, a safe place to land if her present relationship goes south. Don’t get me wrong: she may very well like you — perhaps even more than her boyfriend — but she’s either happy enough to stay with him or not unhappy enough to endure the drama of a break-up. In the meantime, you’re there to give her attention and make her feel cool and desired.

So be straight with her: “Hey, I’m into you, and I’d rather not cultivate something here if you’re dating someone else.” And if she gives you some bullshit about just being friends, tell her you already have enough friends. You’re only accepting applications for people to fuck right now.

And secondly — something that might be more applicable to a greater number of people — is there an inoffensive or subtle way to ask a girl if she still has a boyfriend? Just, you know, for the future. People our age seem to have foregone listing that shit on Facebook, so I’m kinda stuck in the water on how to proceed.

Thanks for your time. Holy hell, I need football season to start.
Sincerely,
John Denali

“Hey, are you still dating someone?” Go ahead, give it a try.

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El Cap-i-tan,
You may remember me from a few months back. I was the guy with the suicidal hooker ex-girlfriend who wouldn’t stop sending me naked pictures when I was courting another girl. Good News! She stopped sending me naked pictures when I was with other girls! Bad News: Everything else.

It began with naked pictures. Of me from 3 years ago. Which she sent to my boss, and everyone else’s email listed on our company’s website.

Let this be a lesson, fellas: don’t take — or let anyone else take — a picture of your junk.

While I wasn’t fired because of it, I did leave my job due to the general uncomfortableness of the situation. She would regularly leave me voicemails alternating between professing her love and wanting to tear my eyes out. In the end, it came down to her driving from Chicago to NJ, high as Scarface in Colombia, banging on my door and crying that I should take her back. That’s when the restraining order came in. Now, I legally no longer have to hear from her! So there’s that.

Now for everything else. She scared the nice, normal young lady that I mentioned last time away. Which in retrospect may be a good thing, because I am a mess. I can’t commit to anyone anymore, which is probably normal for 25 year old assholes like myself. But I wanted a relationship, a healthy one preferably, and the specter of hooker-ex is difficult to shake.

I know this may be hard to accept right now, but most women actually AREN’T psychotic hookers with coke addictions.

Which brings me to where I am now. I felt empty just going out, meeting, and trying to bed random girls. So I found one. She seems to be normal. Hell, she even went to Harvard (which might actually mean there IS something wrong with her but I digress.) Anyway, now that things are moving closer to a certified relationship, I find myself backing away. I don’t want another messy relationship. I don’t want to be threatened with suicide again. I understand not every girl is like that, but I just don’t know if I’m actually ready for a relationship again. I’m torn between two feelings, bolting from each other, and I’m just not sure what to do.

Soooooo… any ideas?

Sincerely,
Am I screwed? I’m screwed, aren’t I?

It’s not one or the other, you know. You aren’t consigned to loneliness or ironclad monogamy. You can explain your scenario, your past, and your feelings to Miss Hahvahd. You can tell her that you like her, but you have serious reservations about being in a relationship because your wires for trust and intimacy have been scrambled. You may find that she’s more patient and understanding than you could possibly expect. And also not a hooker. She’s almost certainly not a hooker.

As I’ve said in the mailbag before, a successful long-term commitment between two people has four boxes that need to be checked: Person A has to love Person B; Person B has to love Person A; Person A has to be ready for commitment; and Person B has to be ready for commitment. Those latter two requirements are why young people in love are so often complete fucking disasters — and I say this as someone who was once young and in love and totally screwing up with perfectly lovely and smart people.

So don’t sweat it so much. Level with her and tell her what you can offer emotionally (even if it’s nothing). Most people will appreciate being given the choice to opt out over getting dicked over. And if it doesn’t work out, don’t worry: people who went to Harvard are only barely better than coke-addicted hookers.

So, this is a thing, apparently: wedding photos where the bridal party pulls up their dresses to show off their butts. Some people might say “NO NO NO NO” or “This is the least wedding-thing imaginable,” but let’s not rush to judgment here, folks. A wedding doesn’t have to be what YOU think is tasteful or appropriate; it should be a celebration that fits the two people starting their lives together. A rustic, picture-perfect wedding at a Napa winery wouldn’t have been right for Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson; an impromptu bikini ceremony was the right call for them.

There are Green Bay Packers-themed weddings for hefty Wisconsinites, and there are probably weird sci-fi themed weddings for people with neckbeards, though I’m not particularly interested in verifying that with a Google search. And just as sports fanatics and geeks can find love, so too can sluts. So let the bride and her slutty bridesmaids flash their asses. This is who they are. This is the wedding they dreamed of, and it’s the wedding that works for them. 

And honestly? Any wedding where the bridal party is down for this photo is a ton of fun. A drunken train wreck, yes. Classy? No. But fun. As a wedding guest, you could do a lot worse.

On to your emails:

Hello Football Friends,
Fantasy First: I’ve been in charge of our league that’s roughly five years old and is made up most of people from college as a way for us to stay in touch. The last couple years has been nothing but complaining from people about the cost to get in, people not paying dues, rules, etc. and I getting tired of fielding all the complaints, and kind of want to pass on commissioner duties to someone else. But I know if I step down, nobody will step in and do all the things that need to be done so the league can happen. Basically if I step down, the league will probably die, and I don’t want that, because it really is the only way I keep in touch with some people. What’s the best way to handle the complainers/money issues without having to be a dick or having to step down?

Ugh, I can’t stand people who voluntarily join a fantasy league and then whine about the settings. YOU’RE ADULTS, goddammit. Don’t be a whiny baby about your pretend football league.

In your case, Mr. Commissioner, think of yourself as a no-nonsense father, and your league mates as annoying children. That means no add/drops or roster adjustments for anyone who hasn’t paid. Complaints will be addressed with “Sorry, those are the rules.” — nothing more or less. You are Gruff Dad, and you don’t have time for bullshit. You have a newspaper to read while smoking Lucky Strikes at the kitchen table.

Sex/Dating: I’m 26, and really shy and not a big fan of the bar scene. After having no luck meeting women in real life I’ve taken to online dating and had OK results in the early going. I have three girls who I’ve met on there, and am yet to meet in person, but have had great conversations with them and exchanged numbers/facebook info. My question is this, is there some sort of protocol for this? Like, should I only focus on one of the girls, or am I allowed to keep talking to all of them and at least go on a first date with each of them before starting to narrow it down? And should I let them know that there are other girls I am talking with? I don’t want to be a creep who’s trying to date multiple women at the same time, but I also don’t want to shut anything off if nothing has happened with the others yet. Thanks for any help you can provide.
-Oblivious Onliner

It’s generally understood among people who use online dating that everyone is seeing other people, so no: you don’t have to narrow down your choices or disclose that you have other dates scheduled. The line for creepy/shady behavior is sex: you can meet and woo all the women you like, but carrying on sexually with more than one is poor form. 

Actually, let me write that in all caps: DO NOT JUGGLE SEX PARTNERS. If you’re in the early stages of dating someone — beyond the first couple of dates and into sex — then they deserve your full attention. Dating someone new should be exciting and enchanting; you shouldn’t be thinking about the other person (or people) you can have sex with tomorrow or later this week. (Or, worse, you shouldn’t be worrying about your date finding out that you’re sleeping with someone else.) Give that one person a fair shake to win your heart.

(Note: this doesn’t apply to people who have a nice, casual booty call on retainer. You both have needs, man.)

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Matt,
I have recently decided, at age 26, to go back to school to pursue a second Bachelors degree in a field that isn’t completely useless. What’s the best way to handle the social aspects of university this time around? I’m a bit older, but by no means am I ancient. How do I reach these kiiiids?
Thanks,
Chris

It really depends on what you want out of the experience. If all you want is to get your new degree and GTFO, then you can have an apartment off-campus and focus on schoolwork. I know plenty of engineering students who had no social life whatsoever in college, and I assume they make a lot more money than I do. But they also never did the Century Club, vomited, and passed out for 13 hours, so their lives are probably pretty empty.

Look, college students tend to be loud, boring shitheads who have learned just enough to think they know everything. If you want to be the cool older student on campus, fitting in may not be easy — not because it will be hard to be accepted, but because the bullshit of younger people will likely get annoying. That’s what beer is for. Buy it, and share it only with cute girls and people who listen to the wisdom you gained living out in the real world.

P.S. If you want to hang out with students your age, seek out veterans on the G.I. Bill. They tend to be loyal people with good stories.

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Dear KSK,
My girlfriend has been living in England since September doing a one year masters. We started dating in early August, so our entire relationship has been long-distance, basically.

At the end of July, she’ll be moving back to the US to look for a job and be with me. She’ll be staying with me while she hunts and looks to find a place (she’s not a US citizen, so she needs to find a job before she can rent a place.) Any advice on making sure this works? We’re starting to talk about long term plans/marriage (because gay people can do that now!)
Signed,
I Don’t Have A Clever Sign-Off

Moving in together after only one month of dating in the same city is certainly faster than I advocate, though I’ve heard the jokey stereotype that moving in after a month is the average pace for a lesbian couple. But that’s not a fair interpretation of your email. Your girlfriend’s circumstances certainly warrant a shared space, and it’s wise for her to find her own place once she gets a job. Even if she only sleeps there once or twice a week, that personal space is worth every penny in rent you’re not saving.

So, for a smooth and temporary cohabitation, you want your girlfriend to feel welcome and comfortable — but not so comfortable that she’s like, “Let’s just live together!” You want to give her enough room to unpack her suitcase, but not ALL of her belongings. (I’d suggest two drawers and a share of the closet, but I won’t pretend to know if she’s a clotheshorse or has a bee colony or whatever.)

Other than that, just enjoy being not-6000 miles apart while being cognizant that she should be forging her own identity in your city. Some of that will happen naturally as she navigates the city on her own looking for a job, but you should also encourage her to catch up with any other friends she has in the city. As awesome as you are, she’s going to need interpersonal contact with someone BESIDES you on a semi-regular basis, or she’ll go insane.

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Oh Captain my Captain,
Fantasy first: I belong to a “dynasty” league, which is just a fancy way of saying we keep the majority of our roster over multiple years, much like a real NFL franchise. 

Hi, I have been writing this sex and fantasy football mailbag for several years. I am familiar with dynasty leagues.

This means each year the draft is a race to pick up rookies that will make an impact, since all the decent players are already kept on a roster. 

DO go on!

Of course, this results in taking flyers on guys with the hopes they can deliver immediately, and therefore you can keep them for years and years. This is all a long way of saying that my RB situation is less than ideal – I haven’t had a decent RB since Michael Turner a few years ago, and I have had no luck picking a rookie in the draft (Lacey was taken a pick before me last year). What are your thoughts on this year’s crop of rookie RBs? Anyone worth taking for this league, or should I keep trying to field a team with castoffs and second stringers at the RB position?

I’m hardly original in suggesting him, but the Titans’ Bishop Sankey looks like the best candidate for the Offensive Rookie of the Year right now. The Titans’ have invested heavily in their line, and the passing game is still a work in progress. He’s a talented, pro-ready back who will get plenty of carries.

If he’s not available, Terrance West would be my next choice — he’ll have the opportunity to win the Browns’ starting job ahead of the scrubs they rotated through last year. Jeremy Hill seems like an obvious choice to become the Bengals’ goal-line back, though it would take a Gio Bernard injury to get him a full workload. Ditto for Tre Mason, who’s talented but unlikely to see fantasy-worthy action behind Zac Stacy. Also, on the off chance no one hoarded him away last year, pick up Seattle’s Christine Michael. The buzz is that he’ll surpass Robert Turbin on the depth chart, and the Seahawks will give Marshawn Lynch a lighter workload this year.

Sex: I am not the type of guy who has had a lot of long-term relationships, and even my short-term ones are few and far between. This has resulted in long dry spells in the sex department. A few months ago, in the midst of yet another dry spell, I let my libido take over and arranged to see a “professional.” This wasn’t some hooker off the street, but it also wasn’t a really high-end escort either. I found some listings online, did all the research I could to make sure she was legit and not a crook or a cop, and went for it. 

Pathetic as it sounds, the experience exceeded my expectations. 

I mean, she IS a professional. Give her some credit.

Good for me, right? Well, now I find myself doing it on the regular. The cost keeps me relatively in check, but I am basically using the professionals as a way to cross things off my sexual bucket list. It has allowed me to sample all the various races, ages, and sexual experiences that I haven’t been able to without paying. I always play safe, use a fake name and burner phone, and don’t bring any more cash with me than I would be willing to spend (or lose, in the case of a robbery, which thankfully hasn’t happened yet). Fast forward to a few weeks ago – I meet this great girl, we get along great, blah blah blah, and wouldn’t you know, I found myself a girlfriend. Our sex life so far has been ok, but I find myself getting bored – the frequency is great, but I don’t get the variety I was before. 

Yeah, no shit. That’s how dating one person works. You don’t get variety. You also don’t have to pay cash, use a burner, worry about getting robbed, or worry about whether she’s a cop.

I really like this girl, and our time together is great, but I think I ruined the sex part with my escort habit. I don’t want to cheat on this person, but I can’t keep the escort thoughts out of my head. What the hell is wrong with me? What do I do? It’s not like I can talk to her about it – that’s a sure ticket to dumpsville, right? I am hoping you can knock some sense into me.

Thanks,
With a face like that, he’s gotta be paying for it

Whether you realize it or not, you’re facing a fundamental decision about the kind of person you want to be. I mean, we ALL do, every day, to a certain extent. We’re guided by law and social mores, which is why I haven’t taken a baseball bat and attacked the panhandling lady who sings off-key in the subway stop at Bryant Park. Like, I definitely don’t want to go to prison, but I also don’t want to be perceived as a violent psycho by my friends. It keeps me in check.

If you want to be the person who ends a relationship — or, worse, cheats on someone — to pay prostitutes for the sexual pu pu platter, that’s your right. At a carnal level, my angry little lizard brain can respect that decision. However, I’d posit that soliciting hookers is kind of like driving drunk as it pertains to the law: you’re absolutely terrified the first time you do it — but then you get away with it and think, “Well that was no big deal.” So you do it again, and again, and it becomes a habit to the point that you don’t consider it to be breaking the law. But if you do it over a long enough arc, something WILL go wrong. Maybe you get robbed and beaten. Maybe you get drugged and dumped somewhere. Or maybe you just get busted by vice cops. Then you lose your job because of it, and suddenly the guy who had trouble finding ANYONE to date him is The Guy Who Uses Hookers. “Ew, gross!” says every person who hears about your story before ever meeting you. “He probably has every STD!” says every girl who Googles you and sees your mug shot and police report.

So go ahead, bro. Keep rolling that dice for your stupid fucking “sexual bucket list,” as if that’s an accomplishment more valuable than loving and trusting another human. Hey, did things ever work out with that really nice girl? “No, but I did anal with hookers of three different races!” Your call.

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Oh my God! We’re halfway through the summer, and it actually MAKES SENSE to talk about fantasy football again! I actually did my first mock draft the other day! It was great! We’ll get right to your questions THAT INCLUDE LEGITIMATE FANTASY QUESTIONS in a second, but first:

If the 33K-word Bucs story was on another site, it would be RT’d endlessly by journalists who didn’t read it. They’d call it a “must-read”

— Kevin Clark (@KevinClarkWSJ) July 16, 2014

FAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH CUUUUUUUUUUUUE Kevin Clark. That Lovie Smith longform was a bloated monstrosity that was INCREDIBLY thin on anything of worth. It was three to six times longer than most “must-read” longforms, and to say that people will just hail any longform is to discount readers’ ability to identify quality.

Anyway, I guarantee this mailbag is less than 33,000 words. Let’s go to your questions. 

Dear KSK,
Fantasy: I have been in a 12 team league with co-workers for 6 years. I am the only female in the league. It has been largely the same people all these years. Three of the people in the league have left our company at various points for other jobs but still continue to play with us. Early this year I gave birth to my second child and was fortunate enough to arrange for part-time telecommuting work for an entire year, at the end of which I will return to full time work at the office. A couple weeks ago I went to the office to visit everyone and take care of a few things and while there I mentioned the fantasy league to some of the guys I play with and was met with an awkward silence. I was later told that my spot in the league had been promised to another guy at the office “since you don’t really work here anymore and won’t be here during the season.” 

I was, and continue to be, angry by this. My husband, who does not play FF, thinks I’m overacting and it’s no big deal. But I think this is completely rude and that I am losing my spot in the league because I have a vagina and recently pushed a baby out of it. Who is right? Am I being unreasonable? Or are my coworkers jerks?

You’re right to be pissed. Your co-workers are thoughtless, sexist assholes. I doubt they’re intentionally sexist dicks, but the fact that three men who left the company still have their spots in the league shows just how little concern or respect they have for your position. They’re single, aren’t they?

p.s. WHERE YOUR HUSBAND AT WITH SOME EMOTIONAL SUPPORT?

Sex: My husband and I have been married for six years and have two kids under 3. Our marriage is good, we rarely argue, we’re great friends, we have sex about once a week, and the sex is good (if a bit brief and predictable) and we’re both pretty happy. The problem is that recently I have been having a hard time feeling sexually attracted to my husband. He’s still in great shape, we both take good care of ourselves, still has his hair, still compliments me and all that other stuff. But I’m finding myself fantasizing about other men in bed. I’m wondering if this is a normal part of marriage (a 7 year itch, if you will) or a sign of some larger problem that I’m not initially seeing. 

I hear it’s perfectly normal for women to lose their attraction to men who don’t play fantasy football.

Am I horrible person for thinking about Michael Fassbender or our dog’s Veterinarian to get myself in the mood? Or does everyone do this? Is my husband thinking about Kate Upton (or whoever guys are into these days)? Would he be devastated to know about my thoughts, or would he be happy to know that Michael Fassbender has vastly improved our sex life as of late?
Thanks for your help.

Monogamy can be a slog sometimes. You’re not the first person to think about someone else while having sex with the person you love. Without conducting a formal study or doing even the simplest amount of internet research, I think it’s safe to say that most people in long-term relationships have fantasized about someone else during intercourse.

But that doesn’t mean you need to share your thoughts with your emotionally distant husband who doesn’t even understand fantasy football, like Michael Fassbender almost certainly does. Yes, sex is an imperative part of a loving relationship that helps two people remain emotionally and physically connected, but sometimes we all need a little extra mental imagery to get off. Let that product of your imagination stay there — unless your significant other is friends with Fassy or Kate Upton and seems open to swinging.

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Ser Ufford, Captain of Caves and Dispenser of Advice,

FIRST OF HIS NAME, KING OF THE VANDALS, PROTECTOR OF THE BLOGOSPHERE.

I am in a 12-team auction keeper league. Everyone gets two keepers who do not cost any of the $200 budget. I need to keep two of AJ, Jordy, Stafford, Gio and Orange Julius. I think I am definitely keeping AJ Green but I cant decide who the second should be. RBs get expensive in keeper leagues but I am not confident Gio stays healthy. 

Also Jeremy Hill is a chic pick to snag the goal line duties in Cincy.

Julius is intriguing because there is a big drop off after the top 5 TEs and he will catch 10 TDs. What do you think I should do? This is a longstanding league with my college friends and I want to hoist the secondhand bowling trophy of the champ for the first time.

I think you’re right to keep Green and Thomas. While I think Jordy Nelson will have an excellent year, if you can keep a top-3 tight end free of charge, you should absolutely do it. There will be 15 or 20 receivers who produce numbers in the same ballpark as Nelson; there might only be one tight end with numbers like Julius, assuming Gronk gets hurt again (he will).

Also my girlfriend and I just moved one block away from each other in a major city. Previously we lived 30 min apart for the first 8 months we were dating. Our relationship is great now but will this bite me in the ass when/if we break up?
-Perpetual Sixth Place Finisher

I mean, what relationship DOESN’T bite you in the ass when you break up? You guys have already dated for 8 months, so there’s clearly something there. If anything, the move-super-close-to-each-other is a nice step towards cohabitation without the pressure of living together just yet.

For now, I’d focus on the convenience of living a block away: sex any time, your own space any time, and no chance of DUI the next morning after going full tilt the night before. If things go south, yes: one of you will have to move. But that’s like saying, “Where will we live after the catastrophic earthquake destroys our house?” For now, just enjoy the sweeping views of the ocean on that fault line. And the sex.

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Hey Captain, how are things up your way?

Things are good. New apartment. A couple mini-vacations imminent. Football season around the bend. Life could be worse.

I’ll get to the football first, since the other question isn’t really pressing. I’m in a 12 team standard league, non-PPR, with 2 keepers at the round they were drafted in for up to 3 years. Snake draft, I’m picking 11th. I’m torn between these three:
-Jamaal Charles for a 1st Round
-Eddie Lacy for a 4th Round
-Alfred Morris for a 14th Round (benefits of long term keepers)

Alfred Morris didn’t have as great of a year last year as he did as a rookie, but in the 14th round is crazy good value. Eddie Lacy had a solid year, and I would expect to be gone before the 4th round. He seems to be the safe play over Morris. Or I could ditch Charles, keep my 1st round pick, and still have two solid running backs in the 4th and 14th round, but letting Charles go is tough. I’m changing my mind weekly on this.

Eddy Lacy will be a top-five pick this year; getting him for a 4th-rounder is a no-brainer. Obviously, then, the sticking point for you is finding the right balance between quality and value. And, of course, you need to read some tea leaves to figure out if Charles can replicate his 2013 season or whether Morris will return to his incredible rookie numbers. 

Last year, Charles was by far the most valuable fantasy running back, outscoring even LeSean McCoy despite playing in one less game. His 20.8 FPPG (per FFtoday) was more than three points better than second-place McCoy (and was staggeringly higher if you played in a PPR league); Morris’s 11.1 ranked 16th among fantasy backs who played 13 or more games — very good for a 14th-round keeper, but nowhere near the impact player Charles was. (In 2012, Morris averaged 15.4 FPPG, while Charles finished with 13.2, largely due to only scoring six total touchdowns.)

So what’s in store for 2014? The Chiefs’ offense shouldn’t change too much, and Charles (assuming he stays healthy) should again be a top fantasy player — though I’d expect his touchdowns to dip from the incredible 19 he scored last year. Morris, on the other hand, should post better numbers in an offense featuring DeSean Jackson and a healthier RG3. I’d guess Charles averages closer to 17 FPPG this year, while Morris improves to 13 or 14.

So is it worth a couple extra points per game — an assumed couple points per game, anyway — to keep Charles? It depends on what you think you’ll get for the 11th overall pick. With each team having two keepers, the 11th pick will net you the equivalent of a late-second or early-third-rounder (I’m guessing some of the keepers will be 5th-round talent kept for a 12th-round pick, but not many of them). So you’d lose the presumptive top overall fantasy pick NOT for a Demaryius Thomas or Jimmy Graham, but for someone more like Jordy Nelson or Andre Ellington. So, assuming your 14th-round pick is a bust — and not, say, a breakout rookie like you got with Alfred Morris two years ago — you’re looking at starting your draft off with Charles and Lacy or Lacy, Morris, and a Jordy Nelson-esque receiver.

Perhaps that sounds like an argument for going with Morris, but you’re counting out three key pieces of logic: (1) the sheer joy of denying someone else the joy of owning Jamaal Charles; (2) the invincible feeling of going into every matchup with Lacy and Charles as your starting backs, and (3) fuck the Redskins. Go with Charles and Lacy.

Now, more of a wedding question. I’m getting married in a year, and we’ll be providing alcohol for the wedding. Beer and wine is easy, but the liquor is tougher. We want to keep it relatively simple on our end, but also don’t want whiny guests complaining they can’t get their favorite drink that consists of 5 different liqueurs. My theory is free alcohol is good alcohol and people should keep their mouths shut, but do you have any advice on liquor options at a wedding?
Cheers,
2 Out Of 3 Ain’t Bad

Provide mid-shelf hooch and talk to your caterer about two “special” wedding drinks they can make by the boatload beforehand (one representative of the groom, one for the bride). Most wedding guests aren’t accomplished and dedicated drunks, and therefore don’t have a thorough grasp of what kind of mixed drink to order. They’re open to persuasion. If there’s a fancy piece of paper on the bar describing a drink that’s exclusive to the wedding, eighty percent of the guests will just ask for one of those.

Quick anecdote: a few years back I tended bar at a catered party at a mansion out in the Hamptons. The hosts had provided a wide selection of liquor, a case of white wine, a case of red, and several beer options. One of the tight-skinned pilates moms came up and asked what kind of white wine I had. I showed her. “That’s it?” she said, sneering. Yeah, I said. I poured her a little to taste. “This tastes like furniture,” she said. “You’re sure there’s nothing else?” No, goddammit, it’s just a fucking fancy house party with a goddamn free case of wine. She acted like I’d destroyed the evening, then finally: “What can you make me that I’d like?” I gave her a heavy pour on a vodka soda with plenty of lemon. She got shitfaced and came back for more.

The lesson: there are picky assholes who want a drink, but there are no picky drunks. The bar at your wedding will be fine.

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Captain,
Fantasy question: I’m in a 12 team, 2 keeper league (QB, RB, WR, TE, 3 Flex spots, D, K). I’ve been offered a trade which constitutes me giving up my 2nd round pick and receiving Matt Forte and a 3rd round pick in return. The one player I am keeping already is Jimmy Graham. The other players I have as keeper options (in my mind, since I am dropping Ray Rice after his poor fantasy performance last year) are: Antonio Brown, Larry Fitzgerald and Keenan Allen. Thoughts on the trade or the keeper options?

I’m assuming that if you acquire Forte, he counts as one of your keepers? That’d be too bad, since I love Keenan Allen and think he’ll improve on his rookie season (and Brown’s an excellent keeper, as well).

Still, it’s a solid trade for you. Forte projects as a top-5 RB this year and a probable 1st-round pick. To get him and a third-round pick for your second-rounder may cost you a top wideout, but you’ll be able to get some quality depth with the extra third-rounder. 

As for your keeper prospects at wideout, I give a slight edge to Allen over Brown because I hate the Steelers, and Fitty brings up the rear.

Not a sex question: Just enjoying the last free month I have till I head to grad school at the University of Illinois. Since I’m from the DC area and know nothing about the midwest, if you or any of the Kommentariat have any recommendations about things to do (when I’m not studying) or good bars in the greater Champaign-Urbana area their input would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for the advice,
Art Vandelay

Ahhhh, good ol’ Chambana. My sister and her husband both attended U of I, and Green Street was a happy place for me to visit when I was 19. That was more than a decade and a half ago. I’ll let the commenters take this one.

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Good Day Sir,
Football: I would like a second opinion on my keeper situation. Auction Dynasty league, $200 salary cap at the draft. .5 PPR and you start QB, 2 RB, 2 WR, RB/WR flex, TE, D, K. You can keep up to 5 players, no more than 3 of each type (keepers and restricted free agents). You can only make someone a keeper if you originally drafted them the year before. It costs what you drafted them for + $10 in year 2 and $15 on top of that in year 3. You can restrict any player who finished the year on your roster, which means you have the right to match the winning bid at an auction which takes place right before the draft itself. Restricted players becomes an unrestricted free agent no matter what the following season.

You, sir, have a solid dynasty league. I applaud your settings.

So far I have Alshon kept at $11, Jordy kept at $18, and I’m restricting Zac Stacy who I picked up off waivers. The other players I could exercise rights on are Megatron ($53 last yr), DeSean ($10 last yr), and RGIII ($20 as a year 2 keeper). While I would only restrict Megatron or RGIII, I could keep or restrict DeSean. If I keep DeSean at $20, I’ll have spent $49 to lock up 2 WR and my flex, plus whatever Zac Stacy goes for, I’d expect to have a little over $100 at auction. If I restrict DeSean, I’d likely do the same with Megatron and see how the bidding goes. As for RGIII, I have no idea what to make or expect of him.

It pretty much boils down to this: what is better value? DeSean and a top tier running back (Shady, AP, Charles) or Megatron and a second/third tier RB (Leveon Bell range). 

I might lean towards keeping DeSean at $20 just because I’m cheap, but then you open yourself up to the possibility of a bidding war for a top running back. Of course, you’re looking at a fight to get another running back regardless of who you keep, so maybe you’re better off doing that with MORE money than with less. And, given Megatron’s injury problems last year and the recent explosion of outstanding fantasy receivers — Demaryius, Dez, AJ Green, Alshon & Marshall, Antonio Brown, Julio Jones, Jordy Nelson, Vincent Jackson — it seems like a top running back might be the better investment.

Also, if I choose one WR or the other, should I try to keep RGIII at a discount, or go elsewhere? What QB’s are good fliers outside of the top 6 range?

I don’t love RG3 as a fantasy quarterback, and I won’t until I see him play a full healthy season. Philip Rivers, Jay Cutler, and Nick Foles are all wildly underrated despite playing well in high-powered offenses, just because people hate their dumb faces (see also: Tony Romo). Pay a medium price for one of those guys and enjoy the playoffs.

Sex: I just got back into the country after a year abroad volunteering. Before I left, I had a casual thing going. I understand that you can’t just pick up where you left off without some kind of penance. But she was the friend of a friend and we never did the whole hang out sober thing, it was always a text at 2 AM, “hey you up?” How do I get back into a fuckbuddy’s good graces after a year of minimal contact?
-Sultan of Shelbyville

A text will feel random and completely out of the blue, so send her an email (or a Facebook message) — just seeing your name and a subject line will give her brain time to accept and process your reappearance in her life. Write to her — sober, during the day — saying, “Hey, it’s been too long. I’m back in the country and I’d like to see you again sometime. Wanna catch up over a drink?” That way you’re not promising her more than what it was before, but it’s a conscientious effort to reappear in her life in a respectful manner. Not so respectful that you’d buy her dinner, of course, but at least you’re KIND OF treating her like a lady. Baby steps.

Pardon the ol’ video up top of yours truly, but I spent most of my day being pissed at Roger Goodell and the NFL for the slap on the wrist they gave Ray Rice for punching his now-wife unconscious. If you or I or any other NFL fan knocked our fiancée out on camera in front of witnesses, we’d be looking at jail time and the unemployment line. Ray Rice gets a two-week suspension, the support of his boss, and a line of former NFL players going on TV to say what a great guy he is. 

I can’t imagine how female fans of the NFL might feel today, but if you’re a man with a wife or a daughter or a sister or a mother — I’m pretty sure that’s all of us — you should have SERIOUS concerns about the NFL’s tacit approval of violence against women. It’s sickening.

On to your questions:

Ahoy, Captain,
FFL: My 10-team league used to do a random draw for our draft order, but due to a couple of guys either getting high or low picks, I switched to one that tried to make up for those discrepancies. It’s worked well, but soon, everyone will have had their fair share of good and bad picks. What are some creative ways to pick the order? I don’t want to do one that rewards bad teams.

I don’t see a need to be “creative” with it when what you’re looking for is randomness. “Okay guys, we’re all gonna whip our dicks out and measure them flaccid and erect. The biggest difference in size between the two states will draft first, smallest difference drafts last.” I suppose that’s creative, but what’s the point? Just use a random number generator. 

Sex: My friend’s wife set me up with an acquaintance recently. We get along fine, we have decent conversations, and I find her somewhat attractive, but we have little in common: we don’t share similar taste in music (she likes my least favorite music, modern country), booze, life experiences (I’m 33, she’s 22 and still lives with her mother). I don’t have a problem continuing to date her, and she certainly likes me (texting me the same night after a date to say what a good time she had and then following up several days later when I hadn’t gotten back to her), but the situation is weird because she texted my friend’s wife after our date, and my friend’s wife is even telling his family about our dates. Her involvement is annoying me, and I don’t know if it’s worth it to continue dating someone I’m lukewarm towards, even if most of my dates recently have been one-and-done online dates.
— Splash Log

If a female acquaintance sets you up on a date with one of her friends, you have to expect a certain level of emotional involvement from her. Like, she set her friend up with someone she thinks is a good guy (i.e., you), and after the date her friend texts her to let her know how great you are. That’s a good feeling for your friend’s wife! She’s naturally going to blab to everyone she knows about what an awesome Yente she is, especially if she’s also 22 or similarly young. So cut her a little bit of slack; I’d suggest talking to your friend and have HIM tell his wife to pump the brakes a little on planning her maid of honor dress.

Of course, that’s IF you want to keep seeing this girl. I was never interested in a 22-year-old beyond the age of 27 or so (and even then I was kidding myself), but in general I support people being patient during the early stages of dating. Everyone’s so busy blowing people off after one mediocre date that no one really establishes a connection over time, which is sometimes what it takes. Of course, you also don’t want to lead on a 22-year-old idiot if you’re not going to get serious about her, so what the fuck do I know? Just make a decision and go with it.

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Dear Captain,
Fantasy: you mentioned Jeremy Hill as a fashionable pick last week, but I could use a few tips for a sleeper rookie tight end, who could slip a few rounds but ultimately end up paying off. Any thoughts?

The only rookie tight end who sticks out to me is Eric Ebron; Yahoo has him projected as the 1873rd fantasy player this year, which means that he’s getting ignored completely or falling to the final rounds in a lot of mock drafts. That’s incomprehensible for a top-10 pick who’s in an offense with Matt Stafford and Megatron. The other rookies in this tight end class are all massive targets — Jace Amaro of the Jets, Austin Seferian-Jenkins of the Bucs, Troy Niklas of the Cardinals, and C.J. Fiedorowicz of the Texans — but I don’t think I’m ready to commit to any of them until I see them in some preseason games.

Not sex: I wrote to you a couple of years back for some advice on what my then-girlfriend and I should spend our three weeks in America doing. We followed most of your recommendations relating to NYC (thanks again) but for a variety of reasons didn’t manage to see as much of the West as we had originally intended.

So now (minus girlfriend, but that’s another story) I have another trip planned for December, which will culminate in staying with a friend who will by then be living in San Francisco. I’d quite like to spend 3-4 days driving through some sweet scenery to get there, but my question is: where from? Does your advice from back then work for December as opposed to May?

“Here’s what I’d do: I-90 across South Dakota (see the Badlands) into Wyoming (Devil’s Tower and Yellowstone), then down I-15 through Utah (incredibly beautiful: go to Arches and Canyonlands Nat’l Parks). Hit up Vegas for three days — your body and bank account will beg you to leave by that third day — then drive south to the Hoover Dam and Grand Canyon. Take I-10 west through desert and take a detour north onto Highway 62 to visit Joshua Tree National Park. From there it’s a long haul up to San Francisco on I-5, but you don’t want to miss the Mojave, especially in the spring”

Any tips would be gratefully received…
Still can’t be bothered to pick up a guidebook

That advice is pretty terrible for December, actually. There will be snow all throughout the Rockies, so I wouldn’t recommend anything in Wyoming or Utah without 4-wheel drive. 

So stick to the Southwest. Fly into Phoenix, drive north to see Sedona and the Grand Canyon, and take I-40 west to Havasu. Cut south on CA-95 and take CA-62 west to go to Joshua Tree National Park. From there, take I-10 to Los Angeles, get a burger at Father’s Office or Umami Burger, then take the Pacific Coast Highway north to San Francisco. And if you’re running short on time, cut out Los Angeles — the burger may not be worth the traffic.

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Yo, Cap:
Football question first–I’ve been in a league with a few friends for a couple years now, and there’s a growing push to introduce keepers. What’s the optimal number, and what sort of retention rules do you suggest? (Give up draft pick equal to round they were taken in? Fixed round surrender for free agents? Have to stay on the keeping team all year? Can only keep two years in a row?) I’d think simpler is better, since this isn’t a particularly competitive league.

I like two keepers: one from rounds 2-8, the other from rounds 9-15 (or 16 or however many rounds your draft is), with the cost being one round higher than when they were drafted, and no one kept for more than two years (i.e., a total of three years on your team before they go back to the drafting pool). Anyone you get on waivers counts as an 8th-rounder (or 9th-rounder, if you want to decrease the possibility of a team keeping 9th-15th-round draftees).

My reasoning: no one who gets Adrian Peterson or Megatron is keeping him every year, and any top-flight second-rounders from the year before cost an owner his or her first-round pick. Pushing one of the keepers to the later rounds encourages people to be invested in the later rounds, and not just leave and let auto-draft take care of it.

NOTE: I play in a league with similar settings, but not quite exactly those. But it’s how I’d make it if I were commissioner.

And now, sex: I’m a dude in my mid-20s who, after years of being essentially undatable, lost a bunch of weight, started taking a modicum of pride in my personal appearance, mellowed out, and in general became a much more likable person. Now, I’ve also been using OkCupid for a few months, and I’m finding myself falling into a repetitive cycle–and I’m trying not to brag here–but it seems like the girls I’ve been dating even remotely seriously like me more than I like them. As much as I’d like to deceive myself, I don’t pretend that it’s all because I’m so good looking and witty and charming–I have a tendency to be pretty guarded, and as a result of some abandonment issues in my childhood, it takes a lot for people to became important to me. I also have a tendency to like to keep my space, and to be alone a lot.

Here’s the current issue, and it’s a microcosm of a few other similar relationships I’ve had: I’ve been going out with this girl for a couple weeks now, and so far, so good: she’s smart, she’s funny, she gets more of my pop culture references than I have any right to expect, and the sex is great. But: she also texts me constantly, throughout the day, and often seems to imply that we’re in a longer-term relationship than I’m ready for. For instance, she asked me to meet her friends sooner than I was ready for, and though it wasn’t horribly awkward, I’m not planning on reciprocating anytime immediately soon. There are also some issues of hers–which I won’t disclose publicly–that I’m really not sure if I’m comfortable with if she’s going to be my girlfriend. So, as the former fat kid with low self-esteem and codependence issues, how do I subtly ask her to back off a little bit and to take things one day at a time without jeopardizing what I do want to have?
Thanks,
I’ve Already Played the “Sorry, My Phone Died” Card

Own up to your neuroses. Trust me: if that girl likes you as much as the texts indicate, she’ll be more accommodating than you can possibly imagine. So be gentle: explain to her your past and your desire to maintain a little bit of space, and what she can do to give you that. And this is important: explain that it’s NOT her or anything she’s done. This is how YOU are, and that you still like her, etc. 

It sounds scary and it seems like a hard conversation to have, but it’s easier than it sounds. I promise.

**********

Dear Captain & Tentineel-
Pigskin- I’m heading into year 5 as the commish of a 10 team keeper league (.5 ppr) where you get to hold on to two players each season without penalty. My keepers are AP and Forte and I pick 7th in the draft. I’ve ranked the projected available players (everyone in the league is pretty open about who they are keeping, barring injury) and there’s a good chance that at least one of Montee Ball, DeMarco Murray, Zac Stacy or Alfred Morris will be there when it’s my turn. Jordy/Cobb/Alshon are the projected wide outs who should be available too. I’m already planning on grabbing Gronk with my second pick, seeing as the teams that pick 8, 9, and 10 are all keeping tight ends already (Graham, Thomas, Cameron) so I know he’ll still be on the board. My question for you is should I snatch up a 3rd RB with my first pick (I’m really high on Ball, no attachment to the others) to play at the flex or should I go for a more balanced approach and take a stud WR at #7? If I go RB/RB/RB/TE I’ll probably have to go to war with guys like Michael Floyd, Golden Tate and Terrence Williams as my receivers. Will the rest of my team be able to overcompensate? What seems like the smarter move?

Yeesh, that’s tough. I think Ball will do well this year — what offensive player in Denver doesn’t do well? — and I like Stacy, too. But I think the drop off at WR if you wait will be too stark — I think Jordy Nelson or Alshon are the way to go.

Pinkskin (although sadly, not a sex question) – I plan on proposing to my longterm, live-in girlfriend within the next year. Needless to say, everyone and their mother has been asking about our eventual weddings plans. It’s long been a matter of when, not if.

Of course this has led to my girlfriend spending countless hours surfing Pintrest and the like, coming up with wedding ideas, ranging from color schemes to gifts for the wedding party. Last week she even asked me how many groomsmen I would want, something I hadn’t given any thought to, but afterwards I did come up with a list of friends/cousins I would want to include.

One friend in particular jumps out to me and I can already see it getting awkward. It’s one of those situations where I’m clearly his best (and only real) friend, but to me he’s just another one of my many guy friends. I’ve known him since middle school and have been a good friend to him through many times of need, but he rubs people the wrong way almost immediately, with both his personality and odor. He’s also a compulsive liar, mostly when it comes to salary or women. And he finds a way to make every conversation about himself.

Sounds like an amazing friend.

In short, he doesn’t mix well with others.

Weird! People don’t like smelly lying braggarts?

He’s casually brought up how he can’t wait to give a speech at the wedding and I know in his mind he sees himself playing a big role in the celebration, but I don’t want that to happen.

Which is why it won’t. It’s your wedding, not his.

Only a couple of my friends have gotten married so I don’t have too much experience with this, but my question is how big of a deal (or a relief) is it to be excluded from a wedding party of someone whom you expected to be a part of? I know he’s going to be pissed off when the day comes, but it’s my wedding. I shouldn’t feel bad, right?

Any person who gets pissed off about being excluded from a wedding party is a shitty friend. I mean, unless you’ve given the bride or the groom a kidney, it should be an honor, not an expectation.

As penance for the least sexy question in Mailbag history, allow me to present to you Betty Brosmer.

Via Betty Brosmer

DAT 1950′s ASS COMIN’ IN HOT!

– Ballsdeepak Chopra

God bless you, sir. And God bless Betty Brosmer.

Getty Image

Hello and welcome to the LAST DAY OF JULY! The last day of July means that tomorrow is August, which means that the preseason is almost here, which means that you should start preparing for your fantasy drafts. YAY FANTASY!!! Here are my three steps to fantasy draft preparation:

1. Create a pre-draft player ranking.
2. Participate in at least one mock draft.
3. Say goodbye to your family for the next 4-5 months.

I’m also pleased to announce that there will be at least five pre-draft episodes of my video series KEEPERS that will rank the top players at each position. Stay tuned for those as early as next week. Let’s get to your questions!

Dear “4 year old Twitter Profile Picture,”

Hey! I like my Twitter avatar. The rainbow snakeskin really pops in Tweetdeck.

Football: I run the office league, and it looks like this year we have 16 participants. This is not any type of dynasty or keeper league. It’s pretty much one and done. Some guys have lots of experience playing fantasy football and some are new to the game. I have talked this over with the CEO, who is also playing, and he wants to accommodate everyone that wants to play, so we are at 16 teams. It will likely be a $20 entrance fee, and that’s it.

Can you give me some tips for setting up a 16 team league? Start QB, RB, WR, TE, FLEX, K, DEF and 6 bench? Some other variation? I will have a 1 PPR & 4 pts QB throwing TD.

I’d recommend one more spot, either WR or a second flex. Otherwise every team will be awash in decent wideouts they can’t start.

Relationship: I’m happily married (coming up on 10 years) with 2 children. While sex is not as often as we’d like, our date nights are even fewer and far between. I believe this falls mostly on me, because I never set anything up. Coordinating with friends or babysitters is difficult and can be expensive. I’m usually just happy to stay home, sip bourbon and watch ‘A Haunting’ reruns. There are plenty of decent restaurants and even a few new movies (Guardians of the Galaxy) to go out to, but I am unmotivated to set anything up. Dates used to mean getting kind of drunk, hanging out with lots of friends, and then going home for sex. There was lots of motivation for that, but now things are different. I do get alone time with my wife after the kids go to bed, I don’t care to get drunk anymore, and sex is whenever we are both not too tired to do it. I know making my wife happy is a big reason to go out, but why can’t I be more active in setting this stuff up?
-My Twitter Picture is an Egg

Probably for the same reason that I’m not more active in paying my bills or taking out the trash: it feels like a chore. If you’re happy hanging out with your wife after the kids go out to bed, then you don’t really have the impetus to get dressed up and spend money on things you’re not motivated to do.

So my question for you is: how does your wife feel about date nights? Is she clamoring for more time out of the house? If so, then it shouldn’t be ALL on you to set up a date night — you two should sit down and plan something together. My wife and I have a jar of popsicle sticks with activities written on them (“dinner in Manhattan,” “movie — Matt’s choice,” “go to a museum,” “sex with strangers at swinger’s club,” etc.). We pull one out of the jar early in the week, then plan on doing whatever that thing is during the coming weekend. It keeps things fresh and takes away some of the pressure of making a decision. (We even have the sticks color coded by cost, so we can choose a cheap date if our funds are a little low.) 

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Hello Captain,
Football first, I wrote in some months ago with this question and I just wanted to get a fresher take on it. Choose two of three for keepers; Lacy for a 3rd rounder, Alshon for a 7th, and Orange Julius for a 12th. I had initially thought Alshon and Julius, but with Lacy going 4-6 overall I’m not sure I can pass that up. Additionally, I have the third pick in this year’s draft and it is full point PPR.

They’re all really excellent choices. Alshon provides better value for that 7th-rounder, but WR is a deeper position with more sleepers. Lacy is essentially irreplaceable, so I think he and J. Thomas are the right decision — not that you’re going to have many regrets either way.

Non-football related, I’m in the beginning stages of planning a wedding and my fiancé’s father is generously providing a budget, for that we are very grateful. However, he is drawing a seemingly arbitrary line in the sand about the dress, we are to pay for it. 

Point of information for the affianced: because it’s a French word, fiancé with one “e” is the masculine form; a betrothed woman is a fiancée. Of course, a man CAN have a male fiancé these days, but I’ve yet to see the gay wedding where one groom wears a dress. So, I’m guessing it’s a missing “e,” hence this annoying interjection.

This is fine with me, but when I told my mother she was not pleased. She said if he doesn’t she will, and she will tell him so.

I realize this is a fortunate problem to have. Do you think this is going to start some serious shit? If you have any advice on how I should proceed I’d love to hear it.
Thanks for your time,
Lacy’s Underalls

While you should absolutely accept your mother’s generous offer, you’ll need to reign in her righteousness. “Hey Mom, we’re so grateful that you’re paying for Joanna’s dress” — I’m calling your fiancée Joanna, there aren’t enough Joannas these days — “but can you not bring it up with her dad? It could create some friction, and want to focus on the celebration of love and the union of two families.” Shit like that. And if your mom’s gonna be pushy about paying for the dress to make a point, well, maybe you and your fiancée should just pay for the dress. Everything else is paid for, you know? It wouldn’t kill you to chip in.

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Dear Captain,
I am a procrastinator, therefore I am not holding my breath to make it to Thursday’s column, much less, have my question answered in time before the season starts.

FANTASY: I’ve only played FF the past two years in my friend’s work league (and absolutely love how much of a time suck it is.) I have no attachment to this particular league, which has been a revolving doorway of players, so after placing 2nd and 1st respectively, I’m ready to move on to a different challenge and league. I only commit to one league a year, and actively play every week regardless of winning or losing, so I’m looking for a league with similar participants. (I am not interested in playing with the fair-weathered “oh-i-drafted-roddy-white-and-doug-martin-and-they-both-screwed-me-over-so-i’m-not-going-to-set-up-my-lineups-for-the-rest-of-the-season-to-look-like-i-am-busy” players.) That league was a standard H2H, with QB, RB, RB, WR, WR, TE, FLEX, D/ST, K. (Oh and the game interface was ESPN – I’m convinced there cannot be anything worse?) Any suggestions as to what league format I should try this year? What setup do you prefer?

Yeah, those are the settings I like for a 12-team league (though I have one league with a third WR and 0.5 PPR that’s pretty great). My preferred fantasy client is Yahoo, though NFL.com is a little easier on the eyes. 

SEX: Hmmm no tricky dramatic sex questions for you today, but when people need to affirm how amazing their significant other/love life is on social media, do you see major red insecurity flags waving or just a happy couple that wants everyone to vomit? I’m happy in my relationship, but just super private, so I cannot relate to this common occurrence I am witnessing.
Sincerely,
Revis and Butthead

I’ve been in a relationship that was all smiles on social media and fights IRL; I’m presently in a relationship that’s all smiles on social media because that’s just how we usually are. I wouldn’t call the mere presence of “happy couple” photos a red flag in and of itself, because those are the only photos ANY couple shares. It’s more a question of HOW MANY of those photos are shared, and what the accompanying text is. Some people are merely needy social media neophytes who want “likes” on the photo of the flowers their boyfriends sent them; others are conniving braggarts or insecure simpletons. There’s a whole range of terrible people on social media, from idiots to sociopaths. 

My advice: think less about social media. 

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Hello Matt,
How are things?

Great! I’m leaving for Barcelona in, like, 10 minutes.

Fantasy first: Josh Gordon is an asshole but I still have Zac Stacy (8th round), Cordarrelle Patterson (10th round), and Jordan Cameron (11th round). I can keep two of the three. Stacy and Cameron, right? I like Patterson a lot, but I could always just draft him relatively late.

I doubt you’ll get Patterson late — he’s consistently ranked in the top 20 fantasy WRs. I’d be okay with you keeping Patterson if you were convinced he was going to have a monstrous breakout season, but because he’s ranked lower at a deeper position than either Stacy or Cameron, I think you’re right to follow your instinct here. 

Sort of sex: I got married in May. Honeymoon pregnancy. This is not such a shock, and we were financially and emotionally ready for the baby. We are butting heads slightly on whether to find out the sex of the baby. I don’t want to find out, because I prefer letting excitement build and having a “Christmas morning” type celebration. She, of course, prefers to find out at twenty weeks, for reasons that involve color schemes and clothing patterns. It’s also not possible for her to keep the information from me if we find out, because I’ll notice all the blue/pink stuff.

What’s my move? I’m leaning toward conceding this one. Seems like an easy test in the “choose your battles” arena.
Thank you,
Rick

I, too, like the idea of learning the sex of your baby when it’s born — there are so few genuine surprises in life, you know? Also, a common complaint I’ve heard from people who DID find out the sex beforehand is that EVERYONE buys pink or blue newborn onesies for you. So you’re stuck with 30 of the same goddamn onesie that your baby can only wear for three months instead of people buying the useful shit on your registry. (My wife and I also happen to prefer neutral tones, which helps in this kind of decision.)

The problem YOU face is that the person with a life gestating inside of her has the leverage in this argument. I’d try to bargain for keeping the sex of Baby #2 a secret in exchange for learning the sex of this one. Don’t hold your breath, though.

Via The Pleasure Chest

"Quack quack! Put me in a vagina!"

As promised in the header image, we’ll eventually get down to fisting in this week’s mailbag. But first, I’d like to direct you away from this story of a 24-year-old Irishman who sat next to a cute girl on his flight, talked to her, didn’t get her last name or any contact information from her, then created a hashtag to find her.

On a Ryanair flight from Dublin to Barcelona, 24-year-old Irishman Jamie Kelly found himself sitting beside 27-year-old “Katie” from Nova Scotia, Canada. After Kelly offered up his seat to Katie’s mother—with whom she was traveling—the pair began chatting merrily, but became separated at passport control in Dublin. Despite searching, Kelly realised he’d lost her, and returned home alone.

Unperturbed by the fact he didn’t know her surname, her phone number, or almost anything about her, the enamoured Irishman didn’t give up there. Instead, he made it his mission to track her down, and—with the help of his friends—launched a Twitter campaign to find her. 

And because the media picks up on anything that sounds like a terrible rom-com scenario, of course they got in touch thanks to this idiot’s flailing around on Twitter after failing to have any guts in person. He had the entire flight to get her information! And it’s not like planes make surprise landings. It’s not like the bus or the subway where “Oh, this is my stop” can tear people apart. Make a move on the initial descent, you coward!

Anyway, it’s long-distance and they’re doomed, so that’s nice. Let’s get to your submissions.

Greetings, captain, how are you this fine week?

I’m jet lagged but good. The last four Fridays I’ve been in Los Angeles, Boston, Seattle, and Barcelona. SUCK ON THAT TRAVEL, PETER KING.

Football first: I was guilted into joining a new 16 (!!!!) team league with some former work colleagues at my last job (1 qb, 2 rb, 2 wr, TE, flex). I tried my best to influence this league into a better system, but was unsuccessful. Anyway, I’m picking last because why the hell not? So…any advice for “strategy”? The largest league I’ve ever been in was 12 players, and this blows that out of the water. I feel like by the time the 6th round comes around I’m not going to know any of the available players anymore.

Two words: Mock draft, mock draft, mock draft. Put yourself in the 16-hole of a 16-team mock draft and get a feel for what that’s going to be like. Do you need to get two running backs with your first two picks? Or are you comfortable trying to snag Zac Stacy and Bishop Sankey at 32 and 33 overall? Any time you’ve got the double-pick in a snake draft, you need to be ready to make bold moves for the guys that you want. And the best way to do that is to practice.

Sex (or not–sorry): I’ve finally adjusted to living in NY after moving here last Fall–it turns out the LES is great for drinking and not so much for going to bed before 3 on a weekend. Anyway, while I have some good friends in NY including a great high school friend that I’m rooming with, I’ve really struggled to meet single ladies who reciprocate my advances. And because there are so many people here, I then feel even worse because “YOU’RE IN NYC, WHY ARE YOU NOT MEETING PEOPLE?” 

Seriously, why are you not meeting people?

I have social hobbies that I love, and I’m actively trying to put myself in situations where I could meet the kind of people I’m looking for. I feel like I’m in good shape and am pretty happy with myself as an overall nice 26 year-old guy looking for something serious. So I guess I’m wondering, are there any glaring pieces that I’m missing? This city must be so much better with a significant other, right??
Thanks for the help, good luck with your drafts!!
-Ozamataz Buckshank, Stanford University

First of all, New York City is not substantially better with or without a significant other. Hawaii is better with a significant other, Las Vegas is better without one, and everywhere else is just a place where you can be miserable or happy in or out of a relationship.

The obvious answer, of course, is online dating — Tindr and OK Cupid are typically best for casual daters your age — which will drown you with a wealth of options, almost all of whom are looking for someone better. The way it works is this: you try online dating for a couple years, get frustrated with how it can lead to sex but never anyone you forge a deep connection with, which in turn makes you instantly fall in love with someone you meet in person.

If online dating isn’t your thing and you’re looking for an actual relationship, then hit up your network of friends and co-workers. Some of them are bound to have girlfriends, and those girlfriends have friends. Voilà, instant date! And you didn’t even have to talk to a stranger in a bar! 

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Dear KSK,
Relationship: I previously wrote in as a 29 or 30 year old virgin self-diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome who thought he was going to be Forever Alone. Since then, a woman who I thought I had previously blown my chance with came back into my life, and we navigated the stages from texting to going on dates to serious dating to sex partners to cohabiting and sharing a joint checking account to being engaged, with marriage and children in our future plans. So that’s good.

That IS good! I’m filing you under “mailbag success stories” even if I had no impact on your life whatsoever.

But …

Twice now we’ve had a disagreement where she expresses disappointment that I won’t say that I love her/our cat. 

/removes from “success” file

Now, as cats go, he’s pretty nice. He’s quite social for a cat, he doesn’t bite or pee on things or spend half the night yowling. He’s sitting on my lap right now as I type this. I’ve included a picture of how we found him sleeping one day (we know he’s overweight, we’ve got him on diet food). 

Via Reader submission

Yup, that’s a cat all right.

That said, maybe I’m a psychopath, but I can’t imagine expressing love for a non-human. I tell her that I like him a lot, but she says that’s not good enough. That he is very important in her life, and he needs to be important in my life too.

As I see it, I have two choices: (1) Decide this isn’t worth fighting over and do what she wants, or (2) Try to find some way to get her to at least respect my opinion and point of view, even if she can’t necessarily agree with me. The first time it happened, I hoped it would blow over and be forgotten, but of course that was folly. And both times she’s brought up right before bed and I have to work early in the morning and what the fuck are we even talking about?!

Number one of those two choices is certainly the path of least resistance, but it sets a bad precedent for a relationship that you want to last the rest of your life. That’s going to sow resentment on your part, because you’re going to feel that she forced you into a position where your only choice was emotional dishonesty. And there WILL be times in your relationship where you have to say things she needs to hear rather than the things you want to say (like when she complains about work), but I don’t think this is one of them.

So you get Stock Mailbag Response #2: sit down and communicate as honestly and tactfully as possible. I would go with something along the lines of, “I’ve never been a cat person, so I don’t think I’m really programmed to love a cat. But I’ll always pet it and feed it and show it affection, and if you got hit by a bus I would definitely care for it the rest of its life as an avatar of our relationship. I’ll always love you, and I want to make you happy, so I’ll keep doing the best I can to love the cat, but I’m not going to SAY that I love it just to make you happy, and it’s unfair of you to put me in a position where the easiest option is to lie to you about my feelings.” I would also suggest talking to her about not having “important” discussions like this just before bed on a weeknight.

It’s a fucking cat, man. You’re in the right not to love it. (Do not tell her this.)

Football: I’m lucky that she’s way into football (when I suggested that we might have one of our early dates going on a tour of Lambeau Field, she thought it was the best idea ever), and she wants to participate in my hobbies, including fantasy football. So I’m going to let her co-own a team with me in a family league I’m in. Looking at projections I trust, I’m seeing a big drop-off from Manning/Rodgers/Brees to whoever you think is 4th best. ESPN has all 3 of them going in the first 12 picks, with Stafford not going until 33. What do you think of getting whichever of them is left (most likely Brees) in the 2nd round?
Thanks,
Like Not Love

I think Brees is the best of the big three quarterbacks this year, with Rodgers a close second — although if you live in Wisconsin and it’s a family league, one of your homer kin will snap him up WAY early. Manning still has a terrific ceiling, but I don’t want to be the guy holding the Peyton Manning Injury Grenade in the big game of fantasy hot potato. I say all of this and more in my QUARTERBACK RANKINGS EDITION OF KEEPERS!

To answer your question more directly: ESPN is garbage, all three quarterbacks should go after the first round, and getting Brees later in the second round is a good deal. 

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Hey man! Football is almost here, I’m so excited!
Football – In my 0.5 PPR keeper league I had the option to keep all three of Forte (R1), Le’veon Bell (R15) and Andre Ellington (R14). All pretty OK options. I was out drinking with one of my league-mates and we made a deal to trade some of my RB depth for his WR depth. The deal ended up as Ellington for Crabtree (R14- I also could have had Percy for the same round cost). I knew at the time Ellington’s ADP was probably right around, if not higher than Crabtree’s, but I was OK with it since I’m high on Crab/Kaep and think Ellington’s a little hyped up. I’m starting to have 2nd thoughts on this deal now that I’m sober and worried that Ellington might turn into a PPR monster in the mold of Forte/Shady, and Crabtree is already banged up, never mind recovering from an achilles tear. What do you think?

Ellington’s an electric player, but he only had 118 carries in his rookie season. His season-high in a game was 15 carries, and he averaged about 2.5 receptions per game. Not exactly PPR monster material. And while he no longer has Rashard Mendenhall stealing carries from him, he IS an undersized speed back in the NFL’s most physical division. I’d say he’s as much of an injury risk as Crabtree, who probably has a slightly higher upside. Anyway, it’s a 14th-rounder. Don’t sweat it too much.

Not so sexy wedding stuff – For a while now my fiancee and I have been looking for a fun wedding venue. We finally found something we really, really like, but its a little smaller than our current guest list…(literally doesn’t have the space for more tables, cost isn’t the problem) its a rent the hall and do it yourself kind of place, so its cheap and they’ll let us do whatever we want…we have it all night and will bring the our own food and booze and lock up when we’re done. We both have big families that live in the area and will definitely be attending, so we don’t expect a ton of no’s, but a lot of the family won’t be hanging out really late because they’re from the suburbs and scared of the scary, scary city. SO what we’re thinking about doing is for our friends who we can’t fit in for dinner and ceremony is to invite them to show up late and drink and party with us after some family leaves. 

It sounds really hokey writing this out, but in my head it sounded a little better. I like to think the friends who would be in that second group will understand the logistics of it all, we’d explicitly tell them not to bring gifts, just come and have a couple drinks and enjoy the fun part of the wedding. We’ve had a good number of couple in our friend circle married this last year so I’m banking on everyone being over the fancy traditional shit and just looking for a good time.

How would you feel if you we’re invited to a wedding like that? I’ve been stuck in wedding planning mode for a while and need an outside opinion.
Thanks,
Weddings Are Hard

As an easygoing person who likes free drinks, I’d probably be okay with being invited to a wedding like that. But as a married person, I would definitely have a conversation with my wife about what the fuck is wrong with WAH and his fiancée, and why they didn’t just invite fewer people.

You have to make some hard decisions when you plan a wedding. Sometimes that means not inviting beloved family members; sometimes it means choosing a date that conflicts with a dear friend you wanted in your wedding party. Seating charts, arguments with parents — it’s all kind of a gigantic headache just to throw a kickass party.

So, I won’t tell you this is a bad idea, because planning a wedding sucks and the last thing you need is someone saying “Well don’t do THAT!” to something you think is a solution. What I WILL suggest is that if you plan it out a little more thoroughly. Don’t expect Uncle Darryl and Aunt Mae to cut out early just because they’re afraid of Metropolis after dark — you’d be surprised how many old folks will kick it late into the night for a wedding. On a similar note, don’t give your friends an informal invite to come drink your booze “around 10ish, I guess?” because some will take that as an insult — “Well, you didn’t make the cut to attend the wedding, but come have a drink when the actual invitees leave.”

If you’re going to do this, give the suburbanites a clear exit time and include it on the invitation:

Ceremony: 3:00 p.m.

Cocktail hour: 6:00

Dinner and dancing: 7:00-10:00

After-party: 10:00 until we run out of booze

This way, you can send your friends a different invite that’s all, “COME DANCE AND DRINK AT OUR WEDDING AFTER-PARTY.” That will make them feel like they’re actually invited to a real event, and not just drinking the spillover rum.

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Greetings good sir – are you having a nice summer?

I am, thank you.

This is another story of heartbreak and of a hard lesson that we need to follow your breakup plan to the absolute letter. 

A good start to any mailbag submission: tell me I am right.

Breaking off all contact is an absolute must as I was beginning to move forward with everything and she contacts me out of the blue with a text near my birthday. Of course I want to re-initiate conversation and that closeness again because June has both of our birthdays and the anniversary, but found out her feelings were more of: I do miss you and am lonely but still feel we aren’t right for each other. But hey, maybe we can try being friends. 

Via Photobucket

That totally fucks with your head and after all the progress I made I’m kinda back to square one with the grieving process as I type this email. I’ve sent my “goodbye” email and told her to not contact me unless it was about us getting back together. I took measures to block her number and to prevent ME from texting/calling her. It feels good to have a measure of control in your life and I’ve been finding a lot of success on Match.com. It feels like you’re cheating at first talking w/ these girls, heck I was sick to my stomach at the thought of seeing someone else, but that fades just over a week or so.

A bit of background: Been going out with a woman, we’re both in our 30’s and each had kids from a previous marriage. We dated for a year plus, were introduced to each other’s kids, etc. There are a few items I have questions on as I go through this split:

1. We were happy and committed and because neither of us owned a vehicle that could transport 6 total people, we moved forward with purchasing an SUV that fit those needs. Well her credit wasn’t great and so I put the loan in my name with her making payments and her driving the vehicle/routine maintenance/etc which was always the agreement all along. Then we broke up a few weeks ago. She doesn’t have issues making payments but when the time comes that my car is toast, well I basically need to take that vehicle back since I can’t get another vehicle loan. There was never a discussion beforehand what should happen (because we were in love and get married- we’d always be together right?). Obviously there is now some disagreement about what I would owe her when/if my car dies. I don’t want to screw her over because she is a decent person, but I need to look out for my best financial interests. What do you think is fair in a situation like this?

Fuck fair. The car is yours. Lawyer up.

2. I started deleting pictures of her from my camera- anything relating to her and her kids, I just couldn’t stand to see them anymore. I also started hiding posts that included her on Facebook and she’s already begun untagging me too. Will I look back and regret I deleted those pics years from now? What the procedure in the digital age? I remember people having hard copy pictures of their ex’s and just putting them in a shoebox up in the attic, probably never to be looked at again.

The only difference between untagging yourself in your ex’s photos and keeping them up in the attic is that the former isn’t a fire hazard. BONUS: your new love won’t see them while cleaning out the attic and be all, “Why do you still have these?”

3. Last item involves the dagger she plunged into me with this breakup. Now understand we had issues for a few months: said we’d take a break, said we’d be just friends, etc but always went back to being lovers. She finally dropped the bomb and when she did I initially resisted but agreed that this just isn’t working out for all parties involved. She said she needed space and maybe we could reconnect when she figured out what she wanted in a relationship; the typical “it’s not you, it’s me” mantra. 

There is a reason there’s no “slowly remove the Band-Aid” theory.

After really hurting for a couple hours I sent her a text and said I’m letting you go and good luck, no hard feelings. Well me being nosey I went on match to see if she was there. Well lo and behold there she is. 

Dude, knock it the fuck off.

Captured in pictures that I had taken myself and with a profile describing her perfect match exactly who I thought I was. I guess I could understand after a week goes by a profile would go up, but to have your credit card whipped out and be on there already really fucking hurt. 

GOOD. You need to get the message that SHE DOESN’T WANT YOU.

I went temporarily insane and texted her: “So you seeing someone?” 

Via replygif

My jealousy got the best of me. I asked her about the profile and she said she was just curious and not seeing anyone. This was the absolute last person on earth I would expect this from, completely abnormal behavior to be deceitful like that when she said she would try and be open to working on us. Unfortunately for my psyche I’m the type of person who always wants to know “why” and she never gave me a straight answer why she would do that.

Thanks,
Donald the Doofus

I know it hurts, but you aren’t OWED an answer. You aren’t owed anything. A break-up is a break-up and nothing more. It means only that you must now move in a new direction, and the best direction is forward. Don’t look back; you’ll get turned into a pillar of salt.

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Dearest Captain of my Stone Age Condo Inhabiting Ancestors,

Fantasy First: I’ve been the Commissioner of my University Football class’ league for the past two seasons, however decided to step down this year due, in part, to the whining of a specific member of our league, but mainly to try and cut the fat off my schedule to focus on my masters thesis. 

Well la dee dah mister high education

In a moment of calculated spite towards him, the league moved to install our resident whiner as the Commissioner for the coming season. As I have happily and willfully given up my role in running the league, I hesitate to proactively contribute in order to allow the commish to find his feet and also acknowledge my new position, advising instead only upon request (offering reasons as to why a 14 – 16 man league is generally a bad idea, etc.). 

Nevertheless, when going over the scoring system, alongside the slightly QB heavy but otherwise reasonable 1pt/20 yards 5pt TD passing (rather over balanced by a -2 sack score [Tannehill's out then]), 1pt/10yard 6pt TD rush/receiving I noticed the following bonus point setup: 

300+ passing/100+ rushing/receiving: 4 pts

400+ passing/200+ rushing/receiving: 5 pts

40+ passing/rushing/receiving TD: 4pts

50+ passing/rushing/receiving TD: 5pts

I’m sure these settings will infuriate you as much as they do me. (Brees to Graham on a 60 yard bomb: 30 points. Plus another 9 points for their respective customary 400/100 yard games. Great.) 

My question, then, is thus: how do I handle this? Do I just smile sadly and no longer take my just-pleasantly-competitive-enough league seriously? Do I step in and inform him of the idiocy of this setup that rewards arbitrary yard totals buckets of extra points, and risk being accused of stepping down but not actually stepping down? Do I get a bit underhanded and conspire with other members of the league to hide the source of criticism? 

The last option is really not my way, preferring open consultation, and I do not want to destabilise our new Commissioner… Nor do I want to no longer take my favourite league seriously. Your advice on dealing with the matter, and how to explain the stupidity of these rules, would be much appreciated. 

A league should typically have the same settings year to year. Changes to scoring and keepers should be made with the consent of the members. Being commissioner isn’t carte blanche to be fantasy dictator. And if your commish doesn’t understand that, then overthrow him: organize a new league with everyone in the league BUT him, and this time maybe don’t put the whiny shithead in charge of your league. Dummy.

Sex: I would consider myself a reasonably well experienced sexual deviant, having a love for experimenting and being blessed with enough opportunity to do so. Fisting, however, has always been one of those things I – and many of my male friends, it appears – believed to be a porn thing that never really happens in real life due to it not being especially possible or pleasant. 

However, it perchance came up in conversation with my current bedmate, who was not only surprised I’d never tried it, but then revealed she actually rather enjoyed the practice. Not one to shy away, one thing led to another later that evening and I experienced the strange sensation of having the vagina of an otherwise tiny young lady completely enclosing my wrist, my fist clenched inside of her. 

Congratulations?

Having zero further experience of this particular sexual act, I’ve been asking my male and female friends for thoughts and advice. The males were unanimous in their surprise that this was actually possible and enjoyable. The females, to my surprise in turn, responded positively, with three saying they had tried and enjoyed being gently and carefully fisted, two declaring their intentions to try it, and two reacting in much the same way as the boys. The one difference I noticed was that the girls who thought favourably on the idea also admitted to liking the idea of being “filled up”, whereas those who disliked the idea admitted to being a bit too sensitive to imagine such an experience. 

My question is two fold: firstly, as an intrepid sex-advice mailbag operator what is your reaction to the practice? And secondly: do you have any ProTips beyond the gentle pumping and rotating I’ve managed to acquire from google? 

Yours sincerely,

Erect Dicker

I confess that fisting isn’t something I’m particularly interested in or curious about.  But, because I’m a mensch, I Googled “fisting advice” — at work, no less — and I found two thoughtful articles: the Crash Pad Blog and The Pleasure Chest both have thoughtful tips on the basics (“LUUUUUUUBE!”), execution, and finer details you might not have thought about (trim your nails, for example).

As for what other people think: fuck ‘em. Do what pleases your lady. As long as everyone’s getting off and no one’s getting hurt, I’m happy for both you and your stunt-vagina girlfriend.

StuScottsBooyahs

Last year: 13-3, NFC West champs, Super Bowl champs, WHATEVER YOU STILL LOST TO ARIZONA AT HOME

Acquisitions: Terrelle Pryor, Paul Richardson, Kevin Williams

Departures: Brandon Browner, Golden Tate, Chris Clemons, Red Bryant, Sidney Rice

Vegas 2014 win total over/under: 11 wins.

Verdict: OVER

Oh no, they’re gonna repeat barring catastrophic injuries, aren’t they?: Yeah, probably.

IG

Five ways Seahawks fans (wait I’m sorry, 12TH MEN) troll Niners fans:

– Photobombing a 49ers billboard in the middle of nowhere, an act even more foolish than it sounds.

– Buying a brick at the Levi’s Stadium Fanwalk.

– Put Seahawks colors on the seats of BART trains. Oh ha ha, no, San Francisco is doing that on its own.

– Poison San Francisco’s water supply (Pete Carroll: “Even before the shadow government can!”

– Pose as one the Yorks and tell Roger Goodell, “Yeah, we’d love to share our stadium with the Raiders.”

NFLN

Fan forecast by Matt Ufford:

The good news is Peyton Manning didn’t win another Super Bowl. The bad news is that this version of the Seahawks isn’t going anywhere just yet.

That means that you’re stuck with another season of the media lauding Russell Wilson’s professionalism, Richard Sherman jawing into microphones, and — of course — the now-ubiquitous 12th Man, which Texas A&M trademarked and the Seahawks pay to use. Your hatred of Seahawks fans, though relatively new, likely runs deep; as such, I’ll not mention last February’s utter humiliation of the AFC champs (even though it was awesome).

Not surprisingly, the Seahawks looked to minimize turnover in the offseason. All-Pros Sherman and Earl Thomas signed multi-year extensions, and the NFL’s best secondary remained intact (don’t be concerned by the departures of CBs Brandon Browner and Walter Thurmond: Browner lost his job to Byron Maxwell, and Jeremy Lane is ready to take Thurmond’s spot at the nickel). Chris Clemons and Red Bryant departed the impressive D-line rotation, but Seattle re-signed Michael Bennett, drafted angry UCLA beast Cassius Marsh, and added former Vikings stalwart Kevin Williams — fewer snaps should salvage some late-career productivity from him. It’s unlikely the defense will be historically dominant against the pass again, but it should still be among the NFL’s best.

The offense will look the same, too: a physical, run-first approach mixed with play-action bombs from new divorcé Russell Wilson (he’s married to the playbook!) that somehow succeeds despite a problematic offensive line. Marshawn Lynch will need to cede more carries to Robert Turbin and Christine Michael, and the wide receiving corps will again be underrated due to the limited volume of the passing attack. Golden Tate, now a Lion, is mostly known by fans as a showboating dick, but he was a surprisingly complete player: he returned punts, racked up yards after the catch, and was a tenacious blocker. Doug Baldwin and Jermaine Kearse should be effective, if not electric, in his stead. Overall, the wide receivers lack size (Sidney Rice’s retirement hurts) but not speed: Percy Harvin is finally healthy (for now), and rookie Paul Richardson has game-breaking wheels.

Via Deadspin

Helming the Northwest Death Star, of course, is Pete Carroll, the cheerful psychopath and architect of Jim Harbaugh’s future embolism. He’s one of the game’s best teachers and team-builders, and remains the only NFL coach who shows any sign of enjoying his job on Sundays. (Just don’t ask him about 9/11, please.)

2014 WORST-CASE SCENARIO: A Week 4 bye, first-place schedule, and the roiling cauldron of NFC West defenses leads to some costly injuries, and the Seahawks miss the playoffs. This is far more possible than I want to admit.

2014 BEST-CASE SCENARIO: The offensive line gels beyond its talent, Wilson spends more time in a clean pocket, Michael emerges as a worthy successor to Lynch, and the defense picks up where it left off last year. I’ll stop short of speculating about playoff possibilities, because I have grand dreams and live in fear of jinxes. GO ‘HAWKS!