Getty Image – “Why did I go to law school?”
We have some recurring lessons in the KSK Mailbag, and one of the most popular of them is young lovers believing they can conquer the long distances that separate them while one of the lover’s hormones boil in Barcelona or somesuch. Bad decisions are an inescapable — and often valuable — part of life, and there is now a monument to them over at Everyday Should Be Saturday. What started as a post about bad decisions soon became an epic comment thread that’s worth your time, assuming you don’t have anything important to do for the next couple hours. This was my favorite:
1985, I was a Junior at UGA. A friend of mine wanted to set up a double date for me with his girlfriend’s friend, “Julie” who was visiting for the weekend.
I turned down the offer because I was way too cool to need to be set up on a blind date.
“Julie” was Julia Roberts.
Oof. Anyway, give that a read AFTER you read today’s mailbag. Let’s get into it (and yes, we have a long-distance story today).
Matt,
I drafted Jamaal Charles and Alex Smith, thinking that KC could keep their offensive production on pace. I was clearly mistaken. I have Philip Rivers and C.J. Spiller as their backups and thankfully started them last week.
Welcome to Earth, visitor. Tell me more of your home dimension, where Philip Rivers backs up Alex Smith.
Aside from talk on how big of an idiot I am to put my faith in an Andy Reid coached team (so big!), do you think I should keep these two well-meaning schlubs on my bench with the potential to put them back in at some point, or should I trade them away and be free of them? Blissfully, gloriously free?
[Addendum: So, apparently the Chiefs decided to play offense this week. Guessing I should keep at least Jamaal Charles around? With Rivers now, should I use Smith as trade bait?]
You should be starting Rivers every week. You’re welcome to dangle Smith as trade bait, but he’s a mid-level QB2 and I don’t know what you’re going to get in return for him.
Second, relationshipin’: I’m getting married in a couple weeks. Love the lady, love her friends, love her family– for the most part. There’ll be a portion of her extended family at the wedding that has booze, pill, and a host of other self-control issues. We have an open, hosted bar. We see the train wreck coming from miles down the tracks.
We are considering putting up their pictures behind the bars to let the event staff know they are not to be over-served. But assuming they pack in their own tipple (or worse), I wanted to get your advice: what obligation do I, as the groom, have to make sure that they don’t make asses of themselves and — much more importantly — ruin the wedding for everyone else? We do have a day-of wedding planner, but I don’t think we’re paying her to deal with knife-packing pillheads.
– “THIS GUY”
WHOA. Booze and pills are one thing, knives are a different story altogether. Like, if the concern is people drinking too much or passing out at their table or saying embarrassing shit to your parents, that’s all typical wedding fare that makes for good stories as the years go by.
But if these wedding guests actually present real DANGER to other guests when they’re under the influence, then there’s obviously cause for concern. In a perfect world, of course, you and your bride would be empowered enough to be like, “Fuck the druggies, they’re not invited.” But the politics of familial ties and wedding invitations don’t often work that way.
Alerting the bartenders to the problem drinkers is a good start. I suppose you can assign trustworthy guests to keep an eye on the non-trustworthy ones, but then you’re basically asking your GOOD guests to have less fun at your wedding. You can also — depending on how much you fear potentially violent flare-ups — hire an off-duty cop to work as low-key security for a pretty reasonable price (at least in the context of a wedding). Personally, that’s a step further than I’d be willing to go, but I also didn’t have any wedding guests with drug habits and knives.
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Hey Cap,
Just flew across the country this weekend to continue an actually successful long-distance relationship.
Congrats!
The longest of distances. I live in the Pacific Northwest and am moving soon to SoCal, her, living in Eastern Europe. I agree long-distance relationships are usually doomed, but this one was working since we had a close relationship to start, we’re adults, we spoke regularly and, most importantly, had a short, set time frame of when we would be back together.
Great!
She was working in the Northeast just for one weekend and I of course took any opportunity to grab a flight and see her, and while I tried and failed not to, I stressed her out. So, me being across the country and vulnerable for once, she voiced her anger and dumped me.
So… uhhh… that part about you having a “successful” long-distance relationship? Not 100% true in the strictest definition of the word.
So now I’m going to follow the patented post-breakup plan, it’s tried and true. I just have a few questions maybe you could help with: How the fuck am I supposed to mourn? I’m 25 years old, an only child raised by a single, now-very-far-away parent; I’ve never been good with emotions. I never cry, I don’t drink a lot, I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve (isn’t that real strength? Not letting shit get to you?).
Well shit. You wanna get philosophical about “real” strength?
Strength is defined differently by everyone, and it’s usually a definition that favors the person defining it. People who work out 5 days a week treasure their physical strength, survivors of abuse will point to emotional strength, and you, apparently, believe not crying is strength. And maybe it is. If that’s the strength you need to grit through a hard time, then go with it.
However, if that’s what you tell yourself to cope with your fear and anguish as you deal with new feelings, what you really need may be a therapist (or possibly just a friend who’s willing to listen). Admitting your weaknesses and facing the family shit that made you the way you are takes bravery, which is just another kind of human strength.
I’m usually just positive all the time, single or not, and I will be like that again, I can’t change that. But isn’t that weird? This breakup, like all breakups, utterly destroyed my efforts and plans for the future, and I’m really fucked up inside right now, but when I go back to work in a week I will be all smiles and dimples. I want to forget this weekend, never speak of it to my friends and move on quickly but everything I have heard about relationships and all of my psychology training tells me I need to do something to express my emotions, not bury them, release the bad juju, mon. And my only real worry is the thought that I won’t connect to anyone emotionally because I can’t express my own. Basically I’m like Mr. Spock, but the new one who still gets laid.
I got no one to talk to about this, please send a word or two, it would help. Go Hawks!
Best regards,
Portland’s Prodigal Son
Consider a therapist. There’s something liberating in talking about shit in your life with someone who’s paid to sit there and listen with no stakes other than your emotional well-being. When I was 20 and confused and broken-hearted, I talked to a therapist every week, and just the act of saying things on my mind brought me a peace I wouldn’t have found anywhere else on campus. Nowadays, I know people who visit their therapist out of habit more than a specific reason for emotional self-improvement, but they typically still find it helpful to their mental well-being.
I was 26 when I got out of the Marines and moved to New York — about your age now. I was fresh off a break-up with the girl who had helped me survive a combat tour in Iraq, and I was CERTAIN that she was the only person for me, ever, and that the world was a dim waste without her. Around that time, an acquaintance who was about 30 responded to my age with — I remember the exact words — “Oh, you’re still a baby!”
Now, as a general point of information, do NOT refer to people whose friends have been blown up as “babies.” That will make a veteran want to throw you out the window. But I will give that thoughtless idiot SOME credit: there is a TON of learning and maturing that will happen between ages 25 and 35 that you can’t really fathom until you go through it. So my advice? Recognize that this is a speed bump in your life’s history, not an abyss you’ll never crawl out of.
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Dear KSK,
I’ll start with a little fantasy. I’m lazy so I’m just going to attach a screenshot of my team instead of typing it out.
I‘ve got a couple questions here that sort of relate to each other. First, Laserface or Breesus week 5? I’m leaning toward Rivers, he’s seemed to be a little bit more dependable in the first few games, but I’d like your opinion.
I like Brees at home against a lousy D. I know that Rivers has been brilliant, and he’s got a great matchup against a lousy Jets secondary, but Brees in the Superdome is the safest play of the last several years. The Saints are gonna roll this week.
Secondly, should I bother holding on to Moreno? I’m sitting comfortably atop my league at 3-1, H2H, non-ppr, 10 teams. I’ll need another runningback week 11 when Forsett and Murray are both on Bye, but I don’t know if he’ll be back in action by then. If you don’t think I should hold him, should I scout for a team with a bad QB situation and try to trade Rivers or Brees for someone better?
If you have Rivers and Brees, you can certainly afford to trade one, though it may be tough to get fair value in a 10-team league. If there’s someone with a dire QB situation, go for it, but don’t expect to get Le’Veon Bell for Rivers.
Sorry, I know I’m being a bit wordy for your taste, but there is one more thing. I’m trying to keep the fact that I’m a Cowboys fan out of my decisionmaking, which led to me starting Boldin over Williams last week and costing me the win. Is Williams a viable flex play over Forsett or was last week a fluke?
That is your fault for not watching Keepers, where I VERY clearly laid out Williams’s likelihood for success against a Saints defense that is susceptible to WR2’s.
Williams is a good wide receiver in a good offense. Forsett is maybe, sometimes, a decent option in a somewhat shaky offense. I’d lean Williams unless the matchup clearly favored Forsett.
And now for my sexytime question — There is a girl at work who likes me. I don’t mean like secretly has a crush on my and whispers about it to our co-workers behind my back, I mean she tries to get me to come home with her and please her after work all the time, and is always making inappropriate comments and such in the workplace.
I don’t really plan on acting on it for a couple of reasons, the main one being I don’t want my job to be filled with drama. I’m also not really attracted to her, and she has a kid (I’m not into kids, man, I can’t do it). What would be a good way to get the advances to stop while not destroying our professional relationship? Our job requires us to communicate regularly throughout the day.
Advice is appreciated,
JerryJonesNeedsFired
Eh, this is pretty standard “I’m flattered but not interested” fare. Not that it isn’t a genuine problem/annoyance for you, but this is one conversation you can have with her to politely decline, then the next stop is H.R.
And don’t hate on single moms. Moms need sex, too.
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Oh captain my captain:
First, fantasy: So far, so good: I’m 3-1, in a crowded group at a top. However, I’ve got the same issue I tend to have in most of my leagues: I’ve got a half dozen okay running backs and no studs. Frank Gore, CJ Spiller, Ben Tate, Ahmad Bradshaw, Matt Asiata, and Jerick McKinnon. I’m fairly set elsewhere: I’ve got Peyton Manning, Gronk, and Dez Bryant/Steve Smith/Golden Tate (and holding on to Josh Gordon) at WR–but I want to trade up. Who should I be looking to package and who’s a good trade target? Should I be trying to put together something like Spiller and Bradshaw for, like, Rashad Jennings or Alf Morris or Alshon Jeffrey?
I hate speculating on trade possibilities — rather than specific, concrete trades — because (a) I don’t like sifting through the 10 names on your roster and (b) more importantly, it’s all dependent on everyone else’s roster anyway.
It seems unlikely that you can package two mediocre fantasy RBs for one good one, but hey, maybe there’s someone in your league who’s looking for some more depth, or the Fred Jackson owner wants to get CJ Spiller, or whatever.
Sex: I’ve been seeing a girl for about three months now, and I’m pleased to say everything’s going really well. We’ve met each other’s friends, we’ve had the boyfriend/girlfriend talk, and we tend to generally enjoy each other’s company. Now, I know this is going to be sticky, but I’m really new to the long-term relationship scene, so I have no idea what I’m doing. Other than the obvious “do whatever feels comfortable” advice, what kind of a timeline should I prepare mentally, moving forward? When do we meet each other’s parents? When do we go away for a weekend together? When does the nagging sense of self-doubt just crawl into a hole and die?
Thanks,
Apparently, somebody likes you when you’re 23
You’re familiar with the concept of dessert, yes? It’s a sweet dish served at the end of a meal.
What do you think about when you eat dessert? Do you worry about getting too much caramel in one bite? Are you concerned that you won’t have enough filling to eat with the crust? Are you afraid of the moment when your dessert is gone, and do you fear there will never be any dessert ever again? No: you think “Mmmm, this is good.” Because it’s DESSERT, not an existential crisis.
What I’m saying is, just eat the fuckin’ dessert.
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Dearest Anonymous Internet Friend,
Sex – My wife and I are currently battling over birth control. We are both busy working/traveling professionals and we have a 2 year old. On the less than frequent occasions when we have sex, it generally starts like this “Wait, have you been taking your birth control?” then a long awkward pause. Then two people saying “shit” under their breaths. She is obviously stressed, and with our wacky schedules, can’t seem to take it consistently. Unlike most men I know, I hate condoms and I feel like I’m too old and too married to be using them. I probably don’t need to list the many downsides of condoms, so I’ll save that paragraph.
Couple in the factor that we don’t know when we want to have out next child (we only know it isn’t today), we are wary of any IUD or longer-term solution. Do you have any advice for us? Or, if you’re willing, could you just text my wife every day at 2pm and remind her to take her sex medication.
Be adults? I mean, if we can train teenage males to use condoms and teenage girls to take birth control, surely one of two grown adults can handle such a task?
(Your wife has a smartphone, right? Help her set a daily alert that says “take your pill.”)
Domestic Abusers Rehab Facility – It’s one of those good problems to have, but I waited till the big names were off the board and drafted Rivers and Ryan in the later rounds. We have standard scoring, and they are currently listed as #2 and #3 Qbs through 4 games, and I’m 4-0. Is it wasteful to keep them both and start them based on matchups? I have that deep sense of dread that whichever one I trade will be “the good one”. My teams only “hole” is TE with a surprisingly only questionable Niles Davis. Otherwise I’ve got Forte, Sproles and Ball at RB, and Maclin, Dez, Keenan Allen and Welker at WR. We start 1 at every position and 2 flex.
Thanks,
D
First of all, Niles Davis is a great play at tight end when his brain isn’t pudding. Second, I’d bank on Rivers being “the good one.” Third, no one’s letting go of one of the league’s very few awesome tight ends (Graham, Gronk, Marty B, Julius) for your second QB unless they have a DIRE situation at quarterback. But good luck.
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Hello Captain,
I am a participating in more leagues than a I care to mention here, let’s just say it means I have tough decisions, 6 times over, every week. Rather than asking you a ridiculous amount of these questions, I was hoping you could just rank these players (non-ppr): E Sanders, K Benjamin, V Jackson, K Robinson, B Sankey, B Pierce, J McKinnon, M Wheaton and D Jackson.
Thank you in advance, I know that I’m being a pain here.
This is my best guess for end-of-season totals:
- Emmanuel Sanders
- Kelvin Benjamin
- (tie) DeSean and Vincent Jacksons
- Bishop Sankey
- Markus Wheaton
- Jerick McKinnon
- Bernard Pierce
- Koren Robinson. Wasn’t even good when he was in the league, you should drop him
Sex stuff, me and my fiancée have a great relationship and great sex (regularly!) but she has one sexual hang up. She is not cool with me watching adult films when she is not around.
See, that’s not a sexual hang-up. A sexual hang-up is “needs the lights off” or “can’t orgasm unless the dog is watching.” Not liking you watching porn is either a trust issue or a control issue (or both!).
She likens it to mental cheating, which I get in a way, but conversely when I am out of town if she were to flick her bean to some raunchy dude porn, I wouldn’t care.
Doesn’t work both ways, don’t try to compare.
I have been trying to abstain from myself as a result when she isn’t around, which we all know just isn’t sustainable forever for those random weekends/nights apart. I truly don’t think there is any way to convince her that her thought process is perhaps a bit dated/extreme, what do you think my best option is otherwise? I don’t want to become good at lying to her about the occasional fap session.
All the best,
Rosterbater
You REALLY should have had this worked out before you got engaged.
There’s a whole can of worms about porn itself (it’s bad and exploitative versus it’s so prevalent/not all that terrible as long as it’s watched in moderation), and for brevity’s sake I hope we can avoid that argument. I’m a realist: porn is everywhere, and men will watch it. If you want to date a first-world man in 2014, you can either date a guy who watches porn, or you can date a Mormon. Or a sociopath with a soundproof dungeon.
Your fiancée likened watching porn to “mental cheating,” which is some science fiction bullshit right next to thoughtcrime. I hope you also refrain from seeing Carls Jr ads, any TV show or movie with a pretty actress, and all other women on the planet, because it only takes one or two curves to make the male mind picture what’s under female clothes.
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Dear Caveman;
FOOTBALL: No real problems, my team is performing well. Guess my only question would be is Steve Smith the real deal? He’s been putting up huge scores on my bench so far this year, but playing him means benching one of Dez Bryant, Jeremy Maclin, or Lamar Miller. Miller’s on bye this week so I don’t have to make a decision, but none are on bye next week so who do you see as the weakest of those 4 going forward (standard scoring, non-PPR)? I know a lot can change in a single week in the NFL, but I don’t really have a question otherwise.
I expect Smith’s production to taper off a little — he can’t have a revenge game every week — but everything about his targets suggests he’s going to be the Ravens’ top receiver this season, especially with Pitta done for the year. While Miller’s been very good (more than 5 YPC this season), he also may be relegated back to a committee role when Knowshon Moreno returns. I’d give Miller a very slight edge until Moreno returns, then I’d reevaluate.
SEX: I’ll try to keep this short. Had a class with this gorgeous girl last year. Waited for an opportunity to talk to her, but she only showed up half the time, often late/left early, was super quiet, sat in the back corner and kept to herself. Told myself in the last few weeks I’d man up and just approach her, but I missed a few classes at the end of the year as well and never saw her. However, by a stroke of luck I happened to run into her in the hallway when visiting my prof’s office hours before the exam. I seized the opportunity, we started to talk and it turns out she’s smart, funny, and really friendly, and we hit it off. She said people tell her she comes off as unapproachable but she’s just really shy and awkward around new people. I told her I was meeting some people to study later that week, and she said she’d love to join us and gave me her number.
That’s wonderful! Could you please hold a seminar for all the other KSK mailbag readers who can’t speak to strangers?
So she comes out to a couple study sessions… now like most guys I’m usually hopelessly oblivious as far as picking up on when a girl is into me, but this girl is clearly flirting with me, and we continue to hit it off. The exam comes up, and a group of us go for drinks afterwards. We have a few beers and she’s flirting even more. BUT… as we’re getting ready to leave, I ask her out and she says something like ‘you’re really cool, and I’m not in a relationship right now but it’s kind of complicated and I need to figure ME out right now. So I can’t really say yes, but I’d totally be down to hang out again sometime.’ I interpreted this as some guy she likes is jerking her around but could mean a whole lot of things (including exactly what she says it means). We also had both mentioned we would be traveling for the bulk of the summer so it wouldn’t be a great time to get involved with someone. Anyways, I texted her a couple weeks later asking if she wanted to hang out and she never responded so I left it at that.
That was back in May, so last week I decided to text her hoping May was truly just bad timing. She responded very quickly and we’ve exchanged a few friendly texts over the last week. So now I’m wondering how to proceed. She knows I’m romantically interested and I’m fairly certain she is too, so I’m tempted to just straight up ask her if she’s seeing anyone and if she’d want to get together. But I was confident that was going to work in May and it didn’t. Is approaching this from a more friendly angle a better play? Or should I just go for it?
Thanks,
Draft Day Disappointed
If you’re interested in her romantically, don’t present yourself as just a friend. Present yourself as someone who is doing her the favor of giving her a second chance at YOU, Supremely Confident Attractive Human. CONFIDENCE, COHEN. Eye contact. Wry smiles. Direct questions. (“So what WAS your mysterious situation last spring, anyway?”)
I’ve also found that it helps to go in with ZERO expectations. Whenever I felt out of my league, I’d adopt a mindset of “Well, this isn’t gonna happen, so I’m just gonna be myself and say what I feel.” Then BAM! Every set of underwear within a square mile of the bar we were at disintegrated. Even the guys’.
True story.