Welcome to another edition of the KSK Sex & Fantasy Football Mailbag, where the awfulness that has been the last week-plus of NFL news is slowly seeping into fantasy football. So that’s nice.
Elsewhere in the ‘bag, we’ve got some JDaters, a workplace crush, an unfaithful boyfriend, and TWO lady readers! That may be a record. As always, email your questions here, and for more fantasy stuff from me, watch the War Room or Keepers, or listen to the War Room in podcast form. But mostly, just read the mailbag. Thanks.
Dear KSK,
I’m in a league with some of my neighbors. It’s all husbands and wives, and it’s a fun, not so competitive league (winner gets his or her choice of dessert!).
4 of the 5 couples in the league have kids. Last week, when news broke that Adrian Peterson beat his son with a hunk of tree, the woman in our league (who has two kids) holding AP dropped him and issued an email saying “I can’t own this guy knowing what he did. He’s up for grabs if anyone wants him.”
Ethically speaking, it’s ok for me to put in a waiver bid, right? From a peace and tranquility on the homefront perspective, however (we have one child, and another on the way), this is treading thin ice, no?
-That’s A Paddlin’
Fortunately for you, the Vikings have saved you from that ethical quandary since you wrote in. But let’s go through with the thought experiment and assume that Peterson was going to play this weekend.
Given the tone of the woman who dropped AP, it’s clear that she thinks anyone who would scoop him up — particularly anyone who has kids — is an awful human being. Now, ordinarily, I’d pick up Hitler if he could guarantee me 25 fantasy points per game, but given the composition of your league and the stakes — your neighbors, a fucking dessert — I don’t think AP would be worth getting the stinkeye every time you take out the garbage. Shame can be a powerful motivator (unless you’re Roger Goodell).
**********
Hey Cap,
Fantasy first: I’m not sure about my running back situation and I need a Jamaal Charles replacement – Zack Stacy @ Dal or Doug Martin @ Atl?
Stacy. Dallas’s defense sucks. Atlanta’s defense sucks worse, but the Tampa RB situation is muddled because of Martin’s injury and Bobby Rainey’s performance. Throw in the sloppy nature of Thursday Night Football, and I like Stacy as the safer bet.
[*Martin gets every carry and scores 3 touchdowns*]
DAMMIT.
Sex: I’m the girl that asked about the douchecanoe who wanted to cheat with me. Tl;dr version: He admitted he had to man up and talk things out with her, which evidently translates to “I’ll dump her for you, let’s have sex now.” Yeah… no. I blocked him and never heard from him again.
Nice job!
Anyway, I started a new job a couple of months ago and there’s not a whole lot of dudes there. There’s only one guy that’s young and presumably single. The reason I say that is because he’s a hard read. He was super nervous when he introduced himself to me; he gives me big smiles when we make eye contact; etc. However, I think he may have had a passing interest in some of my coworkers too, or maybe he’s just trying to be friendly, hmm.
Nope, he likes you. There are friendly smiles for your co-workers, and then there are the big “I’m giving you my friendliest smile because I’d love to see you naked” smiles. I’m a dude, I know.
We don’t work together directly and we don’t have the same schedule, but I am in close proximity to him most of the time. It does make it kind of awkward to try to force interaction and I’m not quite sure what to do. I live with my parents in suburban Fat Humpsville, so socializing outside of work is difficult.
I’m afraid of being too pushy or forward because:
a) I’m not sure if I’m interested in him and I tend to give off the wrong impression all the time (mostly when guys assume I have a crush on them when I don’t)
b) I’m female and most guys in my experience have been somewhat turned off by girls taking the lead
c) I don’t like making the first move anyway
On one hand, I could use a new friend at work at the very least. On the other hand, I have not gotten any in well over a year and this dude seems cool. Recommendations?
-I wonder if these Douchecanoes Read KSK
Daaaaaaannnnnnng. Living with your parents in the Indianapolis suburbs and celibate for over a year is no way to go through life, young lady.
If I can do some amateur armchair analysis (NOTE: I am not licensed to do anything like this): I’d posit that your larger problem is one of confidence. What to do about your cute co-worker? That’s a small problem, and it will resolve itself if you set about fixing the bigger one.
If I’m wrong and you’re the Fonz at work, then by all means ignore what I have to say. But if you’re feeling a little down on yourself — living with your parents and a prolonged dry spell can do that — then you need to take charge of your life. Identify what you don’t like and enact a realistic plan to fix it. Want your own place but don’t have the money? Figure out a budget, save what you can, and circle the date on the calendar when you can sign a lease (also: roommates >>> parents). Feeling intellectually stagnant? Join a book club. Unhappy with your body? Hit the gym. And so on.
Focused self-improvement — the same thing I recommend after a break-up — results in you feeling better about yourself. You’ll learn to be happy alone with a book, or to embrace living with your parents because you know it’s not some permanent purgatory of adulthood. And people will notice: you’ll emit an invisible glow that will draw them to you.
Or whatever, maybe I’m overthinking the whole thing. Just make small talk. Ask him about a TV show or something.
***********
Hey dude,
Fantasy – I’ve got Shady, Sproles, Montee Ball, Rashad Jennings, Jonathan Dwyer, and James Starks as my RBs. I have Dez, Keenan Allen, Kendall Wright, Kelvin Benjamin, and Riley Cooper as my WRs. The lower end of both groups could change a bit after waiver wire claims go through this week though, but I probably won’t get any viable week-to-week starters from this week’s waiver claims. I’m in a 10 team standard ESPN league that starts 2 RBs, 2 WRs and a flex. Would it be nuts to start Shady as an RB and Sproles as a flex going forward?
That was a lot of background to get to your question, but I appreciate your thoroughness.
I do not think it’s nuts to start both of them.
I have always thought it was dumb to start 2 RBs from the same team, but this year’s Eagles RBs seem to be an exception.
They do have an exceptional offense.
I can’t be 100% certain, but I’m pretty sure Tiny Darren showers in vaseline before games. I’ve got Romo and Jake Locker at QB, so if I were to offer up Sproles in a trade to upgrade at QB, what tier QB do you think I could get for him?
It’s funny that you bring this up, because as excellent as Sproles has been for fantasy owners the last two weeks, I think that now would be an excellent time to flip him for someone awesome. I said as much in this week’s Keepers. PROOF:
Anyway, if you were to package someone shitty like Locker with Sproles, I think you could upgrade to the Rivers/Cutler level, maybe a Russell Wilson. I don’t think anyone’s parting with Luck or Stafford to get Sproles and waiver wire chaff.
Sexy – I’ve got nothing here. My wife and I have been married for 5 years and have been recently trying for a kid. She’s been going through some pretty intense hormone treatments the past two months. We’ll find out early next week if it worked, so keep your fingers crossed for us.
Thanks,
Robert
Hey, good luck! I just shook my Magic Basketball (it’s a Magic 8-ball, but painted like a basketball because I work in SPORTS) and asked “Will those hormone treatments work?” and the Magic Basketball said “VERY LIKELY”
I hope the basketball is right.
**********
Hi pal,
I hope this email finds you well.
Reasonably so.
Football: I’ve been commissioner of a league for a while, and most of the members have been around since I started it. Additionally, most of them have played in other leagues. My point is, I thought our league was pretty familiar with the more common customizations in fantasy football. This year I decided to implement a FAAB of $100 for the season.
I had to use my military-born powers of acronym to figure out that that stood for Free Agent Acquisition Budget. I do my fair share of fantasy reading, and I’d never caught that one before.
I understood that there may be some hiccups along the way and was prepared to triage them. One thing I didn’t anticipate was that one of the managers thought it was $100 per week and ended up blowing his entire budget already. I looked back at my posts about FAAB and noticed that I didn’t make it explicitly clear that it was $100 for the season. (Everyone else understood that fact, however). I think it’s bad for the league for him to have an already depleted FAAB, so I want to do something to fix it. I was thinking give everyone in the league an extra $25? $50? What seems fair to you?
Return his $100 for the moment. Then find out what the second-highest bid (X) was on the player he bid $100 on. Charge him X+10 for that player. That way it’s still a stupid overbid, but not so much that he isn’t depleted for the entire season. (And if he blew his $100 on more than one player, charge him X+10 and Y+10 and so on.)
Relationship: I’ve been married several years to a really great dude. A year ago we needed to move cross country so I could attend an excellent grad program far away from our friends and family. I partly chose the program because it was stellar, but also partly because it was in a city that I thought my husband would like. Turns out he likes it more than expected and does not want to return to our home city when I graduate.
So you moved to the West Coast, huh? Yeah, that happens.
Aside from loving our home city/missing loved ones, I also have a number of significant career connections in our home city (as does he). I know that if I really push it he’ll return to our home city with me when I graduate in a couple years, but I really don’t want to bully him into it, especially when he moved to this new city for me in the first place. We have a couple years to think about and continue to have conversations about it, but our positions haven’t really changed so far. Thoughts on how we figure this out?
In football,
Proof that you can play fantasy football while in an intense grad program
Okay, I’m just spitballin’ here, but I think any of these could work:
- Ro-Sham-Bo (best of 7)
- 21 (best of 3, NO make-it-take-it)
- Pistols at dawn
- heads-up no-limit poker
- A series of conversations where you weigh the pros and cons of both places before making a carefully considered decision about what’s best for your family in the long run, and even if it’s not exactly what one person wants, they’ll be okay with it because they love their partner and just want them to be happy
- Stay on the West Coast, idiot
**********
Dearest Captain,
Fantasy: In my office league I have started out 2-0 and am in first place, so yay. However, I have a rather good stable of running backs and there are several teams in my league that are hurting badly for one, so I have began to entertain trade offers. The two I am currently weighing are Le’Veon Bell for Keenan Allen, or AlfMo for Welker/Harvin. Ideally I would get Antonio Brown instead of Keenan Allen, but that manager is a Steelers fan and does not want to part with him. The other team also has Jeremy Maclin, should I attempt to get him in the trade in place of Welker?
yes
For context, my other running backs are Doug Martin, Pierre Thomas, Khiry Robinson, and Terrance West.
Whoa, THAT’S your “rather good” stable of running backs? One guy who’s injured, a PPR specialist, and two backups getting playing time until the starters return? Don’t get me wrong: Bell and Morris are great starters, but I haven’t seen anything from Martin to suggest he’s going to get the starting job back when he gets healthy. And West has been solid through two games, but do you want a rookie Browns backup as one of your starting backs?
I’d much rather sell Khiry or West while they have some value in order to get a WR2/3 with some upside.
My WRs consist of Julio, Michael Floyd, Edelman, B. Cooks, and Kendall Wright. The scoring is full point PPR and 15 yards receiving/rushing per point as opposed to 10. Would you do either of these trades, and if so which one do you think is better?
WHAT. You’ve got a great team! That’s an awesome collection of PPR wideouts! Just keep winning with your awesome team. Don’t fuck up a good thing.
Sex: I recently agreed to meet up with a girl from an online dating site with the knowledge that we would be hooking up, but apparently her friends found out and flipped out on her for “meeting up with some guy from the internet like that.” Now they want to meet me at least twice before her and I do anything, which to be fair is understandable.
Sure, it’s understandable … if her friends are her parents, and the year is 1952.
Fuck that, man. I could understand meeting her friends once just so she can get the thumbs-up, but a second interview? You’re try to get laid, not a job at the FBI.
However, I do not have plans on dating this girl and she knows that, this would be an occasional hook up at most. What I am worried about is what to say to her friends when they inevitably ask why I want to see their friend, and “because I want to sleep with her” doesn’t seem like a solid answer. Any advice?
Sincerely,
Not The Creepiest Guy On Tinder
Well OF COURSE you don’t say “because I want to sleep with her,” dumbass. You learn the code. You say, “We just like hanging out, and neither one of us is looking for anything serious right now.” Adults use polite euphemisms like this all the time.
- “We’re just keeping it casual for now” = the sex is incredible but the conversations are awful
- “You up?” = let’s do it
- “Hey” = let’s do it
- “Do you have a pen I can borrow?” = let’s do it
I just realized pretty much everything men say to women is at some level an invitation for sex. We’re awful. I’m sorry.
**********
O Captain, my Captain,
Football first – should I realistically believe in Antonio Gates, or was last week’s 3-TD effort an aberration (and it’s time to start a young up-and-comer like Eric Ebron)? Also, will Pierre Thomas be a more valuable starter now that Mark Ingram is out for a month?
Gates isn’t going to have a gangbusters game like that again, but he’s still a better play than Ebron. Rookie tight ends are effectively useless, unless you happen to be talking about the end of Gronk”s rookie season.
Pierre Thomas will have some increased value, but Khiry Robinson may well get more carries.
Relationships – I’m 31, and have been single for about two years now. I’ve recently joined JDate, and most of those dates have been one-and-dones. However, I went out with a girl last week and had a nice time, and asked her out for this week. My question is – how does one not seem over-eager in this day and age? There are so many modes of contact – texting, Jdate messenger-ing, email, even an old-fashioned phone call – that actually being excited about someone can become a problem, because a text here and an email there almost comes off as too overwhelming. I just have not “liked” someone in a long time, and I don’t want to scare off the first girl whose company I’ve enjoyed.
Sincerely,
Guy who is worried about giving 110%
Well, yeah. You have to play it cool A LITTLE. The general idea is that you want to leave this new person wanting to hear more from you without turning her off that you’re ignoring her. It’s a sweet spot, and it’s different for every person. Some people like texting more than others. Some people are bored at work and want to Gchat all day; others have shit to do. She might check JDate once every couple days, or she might be on there several times a day.
There’s no way to really know for sure what she likes, which is why you can feel free to tackle it head-on on your second date. Something along the lines of, “I’m really glad you said yes to a second date. I’d been getting discouraged by online dating, so when I finally went on a date with some really cool and good-looking, I was kinda terrified I wouldn’t hear back from you.”
What that is, is a way to raise the subject of texting / communication disguised as flattery. So after she accepts your compliment (or pays one back to you!), you can say, “Is texting scary for you? I’m always worried about responding too quickly, or not quickly enough…” and then she’ll either agree or disagree, which can lead to you asking what her habits and preferences are. Bingo bango, no more worries.
**********
Dear Cap’n,
I drunkenly made out with a married friend a couple times at a recent party. I know she doesn’t want to fuck her relationship up (she has kids!), and I’m in a happy long term, cohabitating relationship myself that I don’t want to destroy. Also, I really like having her as a friend, and I don’t want to mess that up either. But hot damn, that was exciting! I know its wrong as hell, but I can’t help wanting to dip my toe in the water a little more.
How can I tell the friend that I would be up for doing this again, but also convey that I DO feel guilty and really don’t want to destroy our lives? Seems like a complicated message. Making it harder, She lives kinda far away, so its not like we’re gonna meet up again for a couple months, and not sure how private her emails and social media is to her hubby. How should I play this?
Fantasy-wise, I totally crapped out of joining a league this year, so uh, is that Fanduel thing any good?
Thanks,
Convincing Himself hE’s not an Asshole, Totally
Let me answer your question with a question: what answer are you expecting from me? More questions: is this your first time reading the mailbag? Are you seriously seeking out the opinion of a married man on how to cheat on your girlfriend?
I’m not gonna bite. Do what you’re gonna do, you’re not worth the lecture.
And FanDuel’s great, I recommend it.